Forsaking ALL, I Trust in Him

Goals

2008-08-10T00:39:00.000+08:00

Have $10,000 in bank by end of 2008
Start trading with $$$ by end of 2008
Clear all my debts by end of 2009
Get As for all of my modules in July 2008 semester
Attain the above goals

Reflecting @ East Coast

2008-08-10T00:23:00.002+08:00

Met up with Gary and Aileen today. I think we all enjoyed ourselves very much, as we mentioned that it is not always we have a time to spend on a weekend to reflect on life, among other stuff.

We strolled around the beach, sat at a breakwater looking at a couple that is SO young. The guy seriously looked like he has not even reached his puberty. The girl looks older. We also went to the HK cafe there and sat from about 5:30pm to about 10:30pm, talking about everything and anything under sun. It was a great time, as we shared our hearts out.

I think I have kinda not done this in a long time. I believe that this is really refreshing... to do nothing but sharing and reflecting with each other. LOL... Really do not know when this would happen again, as sometimes work and school can be overwhelming.

Writing again...

2008-08-10T00:16:00.002+08:00

Wow... it has been a long time since I last wrote on a blog. It could be due to the fact that I was so involved in my schoolwork and my work. So many other things to do that I have neglected blogging.

Blogging has always been a joy, sometimes a chore. It is a joy, as it allows me to reflect on a particular topic or to keep a copy of a great memory, so that I can relive it in future. However, it can sometimes be tiring because as much as you would like to jot down a particular thought, you do feel tired and lazy at times.

Let this post be the post that brings all this blogging back to me, to jot down important events and to rant at certain issues. We all need a avenue to let our thoughts run wild. More than that, we need a place for us to relfect and to relax... to think through all that has happened.

Love this quote...

2007-01-14T09:47:00.000+08:00

I was reading one of my friend's blog and I stumbled on a phrase in one of her entries. The phrase is so captivating that I wanted to copy and paste, and share it with you guys!

"A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must seek the Lord to find it."

As a guy, I know that this is so hard. I have been through it. LOL. Yeah, you can start pointing your finger and start waving at me, telling me how insensitive I was to the Holy Spirit but don't forget that at this very moment, you are also pointing to yourself with the rest of your fingers!

However, despite the difficulties a normal guy would face in wanting to successfully court a girl whose heart is so hidden in Christ, this would mean that the REAL women of God who wants their hearts to be hidden will get the cream of the crop, their Prince Charmings. At the same time, they are really going through a ride with God, as He, the Almighty One, pens their love stories. It will be a story they will be so proud of, one that inspires and encourages.

To be honest, I have never really had an answer from God when I was praying for a particular girl. I can only imagine how sweet it would be like. Now that I am already attached, I will picture how God will guide and bless me in the journey I have with my girlfriend.

May God give wisdom to all who seek to have the one partner God has intended for them. Wisdom to discern and wisdom to navigate through this web of love. Love is only truly sweet when God is involved. Having the knowledge of the most important One nodding at every single steps you take in the relaltionship is the most satisfying thing! This I guess is what we all yearn for. We tried to please so many others but all we want to do is to please Him, our Father. May God gives us strength to be the man and woman He truly wants us to be.

Praise God for Love!
The world will not be so green if there is no love.
The water will not be so blue without love. A
nd certainly, they will not be joy if love is absent!
Praise God for Love!

GET ME OUT!!!

2007-01-07T10:51:00.000+08:00

At work today, I was having a chat with my colleague and we talked about us getting old. I felt odd when he mentioned that he is approaching 27 and I am going to be 26 this year. Am I really that old? I have watched enough TV programmes and sports shows to tell how a 26 should be like. It could be a stereotype but it seems like I am a far way off the mark of a 26!

Maybe it is during the few depersonalization moments when I am able to "come out" of myself and see myself as myself. Duhz... what am I saying! LOL. The thing is... I cannot comprehend the fact that the body and the age (number) is running so far ahead of myself!

They are indeed not reflecting the real me and I think this is so unfair! Haha. My knees cannot allow me to run the distance I want. They are not even allowing me to engage my favourtie sports, soccer, with vigor and tenacity! Now, whenever I play soccer, I have babysit my knees, making sure that they are well taken care of. I have to watch out for stones or any pot-holes! How irritating!

Another thing is that the number thingy is getting on my nerves! I really don't feel like I am 26! I am definitely no where near that! It could be because I am trying to relive certain parts of the my life where I feel I was deprived! LOL It always feel weird to tell someone that I am 26. I do admit that due to the not-anywhere-near-perfect complexion and the constant exposure to the sun, I may not look 26 but I certainly do not act like one.

I am still a mummy's boy. Not in the literal sense! LOL. It just seems that a mummy's boy is someone who has not grown up and is still stuck in his adolescent years. I feel like I am still in Polytechnic. I feel like I am still studying full time, carefree and having not that much of a worry for the latter years! LOL I mean I do consider about my future but I am just not feeling pressures in life yet. Maybe I am still living in a comfort zone, where the need to expand myself consciously is lacking.

So please... help me out of this body! LOL I am only 21. Why am I in a 26 years old body! Time is flying past me and now I am lost. Not knowing where to go, what to skip to get to the 26 years old stage. I must now learn to love my body as it is, accepting the fact that my body and age is not the true reflection of myself. Therefore, never let age factor dictates how you live your life man. I certainly don't. LOL Maybe I need a broken leg or the fact that I am unable to walk to stop me from enjoying what I enjoy most. Maybe I need a rude awakening to show me that I am indeed 26, no longer 21! But I guess it will get pretty ugly.

Bottomline, have reality sink into you but never let it sink your dreams, your love or yourself! I AM YOUNG AT HEART is what they always says! Indeed!

Revived...

2007-01-02T10:07:00.000+08:00

I had a gathering with my old pals from drama ministry yesterday. We had a great time at two opposite venue. One is small and stuffy. The other, BIG AND COSY! However, the latter came at a price! LOL

The reason for the title was because I found out that a couple of my friends were asking me on why there aren't any updates to my blog. At that point in time, I was thinking to myself, "I did not even know that people are so demanding over free stuff." I am, here, taking my own sweet time, at my leisure, to record the MOMENTS in life. I am also giving people the privilege to read them and all they can do is demand for more?! LOL

Yeap! These are the kind of friends that are worth keeping man. They are demanding out of love. They want to know more about my life. They want to keep track of my marathon in life and they want to be prayer warriors when their soldier in battle is down. These are the mark of a true pal! I am sincerely touched.

For that, I will try to be as proactively as I can be in my updating of this blog. Like always, I don't really like to share about what I did in a particular day. However, like Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie, I record the days where I learnt or gain something powerful/inspirational! Therefore, peeps out there who loves me and are dying to read more about my life, stay tuned! This blog is back with the entry of this post and let's hope that it will not fizzle out like a carbonated drink left on a shelf for an extended period.

Celebration @ 492

2006-11-08T21:33:00.000+08:00

It seems like I am not really actively updating my blog. Instead of giving excuses, I am coming out clean. Keeping a blog updated and beautifying takes alot of energy and diligence. It is never wrong to say that money follows those who excel at what they do! Apparently, the lack of advertisements on mine clearly suggests that my blog is one of the trillions blogs out there that are just surviving. We are hoping that the kind souls who are keeping the server alive will continue to be so kind! LoL! Why? We their servers and space to store our memories and our work. It will be so sad to find out one fine day that all those that were written are gone! I really do not know what I will do.

Anyway, today is a special day. As the title suggests, my family and I had a mini celebration at 492. It is a block where there is a coffee shop. However, the story is not about the coffee shop, the block or about the food. Ha! Basically, I just want to share how God still speaks to me despite my absence from His house. Hehe...

I am not taking that for granted. In fact, I am thankful for the experience. The thing was that the 9th of Nov is my sister's birthday and I have always wanted to get her something really nice and meaningful. Why? Because I have really shortchanged her. She had always blessed me every year during my birthday and I had not been returning the favour. LOL! However, this year, something happened and this is the thing I am sharing.

She had been rather moody and sad for the past month or so because of some personal issues. Being her brother, I really do feel for her. My family and I were also there to encourage her. She seems so lifeless and she was always complaining about how much life sucks. She did not even enjoy her trip to KL. With these in mind, I decided to do something or buy something special for her. Buying gifts or planning something can really wreak your brains. This is no exception. However, one fine night, all of a sudden, a thought came into me and suggested that I get her one of the Precious Moments figurines, as it contains meaningful text, which may uplift her spirits. So it happened, I went to a shop in Jurong Point to get her that.

To cut the long story short, when I passed her the gift today, I told her to guess what it is inside. She told me that it is a Precious Moments figurine. Despite the fact that she was right, I keep mum. When she found out what it really was, I asked her about her guess. You know what she told me? She told me that just recently, she was thinking to herself if she should collect the Precious Moments figurines. Ha!

Praise God. Thank God for putting that idea in me. Never would have thought about getting her that. Moreover, I believe that it will really be a blessing to her, something to encourage her. I pray that she will feel the love of God and start to be hopeful again. =)

Post-Birthday!

2006-10-10T08:51:00.000+08:00

9th October 1981 marks the day when I popped into this world! 25 years later, I am still popping into people's life, which can be a good and a bad thing! Ha!

Yesterday, which was the day of my birthday, I had a great and joyous day. Many friends popped back into my life with wishes from SMS, Friendster and numerous other ways. I felt really blessed because I treasure all these relationships and I will never take any wishes from any of them lightly! Most of them, I have not really contacted for a year plus but they still managed to find a spot in their 5-6% of their brain matter to remember MY DAY! How grateful I am for that! :)

I just wanna thank everyone and anyone who wished or wanted to wish but did not have the chance to! I thank God for making things happen in my life, e.g. bringing my family closer together than before, protecting my relationship with Vivian, giving my good health... and many others.

I got a testimonial that I want to share to mark my 25th birthday. For those who know about my sickness, I wanna share a good news with you. I have not gone into my dissociative state for more than 2 years now! *Applause* I really thank God and I know that I cannot keep my sanity in check by my own strength. There were times when I thought I would have it again but by the grace of God, I got through it. I am really glad.

All these are not possible without the supports of my friends, family members, loved ones and many others who love me! My life and my world is made colourful with the existence of you people and I thank God for it. However, without the canvas of my life that God has gave me, all these colors would have made any sense. Therefore, I thank God for His unfailing love and grace.

Moving On to the Next Chapter...

2006-08-01T17:37:00.000+08:00

After about a year plus of not going to school, I am finally going back to one! It will happen next Friday! Guess where? It will be at the Singapore’s fourth university, SIM University! The last time I attended school was when I was doing an Advance Certificate in Theology at City Harvest Bible Training Center. It was a short course spanning 1 year and I am happy to say that I really enjoyed and learnt a lot from that 1-year.

Now that I am going back to school again, I am really looking forward to the new people I am going to meet and a host of information, which I am going to acquire. I am taking a Degree course in Marketing. I am actually very excited about this course. I have always wanted to know more about marketing, the art of promoting and how one goes about bragging about itself. Some people say that marketing is like sales. I beg to differ. I have done a fair share of sales during my time in Prudential and I have to admit that selling was not that fun. Ha! Ironically, selling is the most essential part of a business. Closely following it is the company’s marketing department.

If a product is not properly packaged or promoted, selling, by itself, does possess much power. To me, doing sales is a challenge. However, I am more interested in the planning of how a product can be sold rather than the actual selling of the product. Thus, the interests in taking up a Degree course majoring in marketing.

Having revealed the first few sentences of the new chapter in my life, I ask for your prayers and guidance. Share with me your insights and advice, as I begin to tread on the road littered with valuable knowledge and information. I will be going down this road for 3 years and if at any moment you were inspired to share something with me, just email or contact me. I will gladly receive it with open arms and ears. For my brothers and sisters in church, continue to pray for me. Pray that I will have the strength and the capacity to make the most out of the course.

As I prepare to end this entry, I would like to thank you people for the interest and concern you have upon my life and for all the prayers and encouragement!

The Journey...

2006-06-03T13:14:00.000+08:00

indulging in self-gratification can distort your perspective...
what you want in life... what is good in life...
it can also change the way you love things...
love can get selfish... always looking at the gains and not the sacrifice

most importantly, self gratification is pointless...
you get all the highs but only temporarily...
you feel empty after that...
the path in front only leads to the next self gratifying moment...
it is worst than running a rat race... at least, you are doing something different at different parts of the race.

self-gratifying acts come in all sorts of color and kinds.
to some, shouting at another person for personal relief is one...
to others, it may be the thought of being able to get involve sexually...
there are so many other ways and methods of self-gratifications.
while some of these acts may seem morally more wrong than others,
they all stem from the same root... Self-pleasure, self-gain or like i have said earlier, self-gratification

however, being humans, to indulge in self-pleasure/self-gain is a weakness everyone seems to be fighting.
the key word here is "fighting!"
the day we stop fighting it is the day we let these known problems be unknown...
it would be like to have your conscience seared by an iron!

knowing what is wrong is just the first step,
changing is the next logical step...
but the most important step is to defend the knowledge you have against the wrong, which you know!

knowledge brings light to a certain matter...
losing it then bring darkness back to it!

there is nothing wrong with being wrong,
there is nothing wrong with trying to change,
there is nothing wrong with failing at some points,
there is nothing wrong with being disappointed at those failures.
however, something is wrong when you stop seeing the wrongs

i am not writing this to change or teach others...
(though i hope that in doing so, it may help others)
conversely, i am writing this to encourage myself...
to remind myself of the pits that lie ahead of me.
in my sanity, i write to keep me from falling into insanity
throwing markers on the road, building fencing on both sides
as i journey along this winding road called LIFE

Meaningful story...read on

2006-05-24T12:03:00.000+08:00

Every thing that happens to us must be allowed by God. If he had allowed something hard for us, he is preparing us for a better tomorrow. This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some veryinteresting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.a

Her last project of the term was called "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece ofcake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning. It was just our wayof sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line,waiting to be served, when all of a sudden, everyone around us beganto back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men. I looked down at the short gentleman close to me. He was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said,"Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching. The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford.(If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes. That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray. I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this foryou. God is here working through me to give you hope." I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey,to give me hope."

We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.

We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.

I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand. I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part ofGod share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.

I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.

Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends
will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.

God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.

What happened!!!?

2006-05-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

“Pok, pok, pok...”

Argh! What is happening to me? My curiosity is activated as I begin to slap my tummy with my hands again.

“Pok , pok, pok...”

Then I begin to pinch myself… Am I dreaming? Is my worst nightmare coming true for me?

“Ouch!”

I guess this is for real. Let me try on my pair of jeans, which is meant for 32-inch waists.

“ARGH!”

This cannot be real! I breathe in as I try to push the button towards to the slit. As I begin to try harder, I start to feel a choke from the waist up.

“Ah...”

Finally, it is in! I breathe a sigh of relief. At least, I am not going waste money to get a new pair. However, this fit is at the expense of my comfort. My thighs and buttocks feel like they are going to burst out from those cleverly engineered Levi’s Jeans. What’s worst is that the tightness of the jeans is forcing extra pounds of fats (from my buttocks and thighs) up onto my waist, which is already flooding the banks of my jeans.

This is getting really uncomfortable. Imagine the jeans shrinking after a wash... Oh boy! I will have to try twice as hard to fit into them. What could happen next? For now, I am not really sure. This has spurred the once energetic soul lost inside of me to start working hard; to find a way out from the abyss to regain control over this laid back body. However, the comfort of not having to exercise and the mouth watering draws of those delicacies are definitely not acting as a gravitational force in aid of the once energetic spirit in its acts to resurface. In fact, they are doing the opposite. They are forcing it back in...

I guess I have to find a way to help the once energetic soul in its quest to surface! I have to yank out my eyes! I have to set aflame my buttocks! Can I do it? Hmm... I really doubt so but I am going to try. Yanking out the eyes may seem hard but the least I can do is to stop feasting my eyes on those juicy meat and those delicious candies! Setting myself ablaze seems to be another daunting task. However, I can try to start to move more now. Make moving my body a habit is what I am going to tell myself from now on! Be active!

With my facial features squeezed in, in enthusiasm, I make a warrior shout and cried out, “ARRRRRRRRRRRR-GGGG-HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WANT TO WEAR MY 32 INCH JEANS EASILY!”

Birthday planning - Fun?

2006-04-30T11:22:00.000+08:00

In about one and a half month, I will have the "blessed and honoured" opportunity to celebrate a very special lady's birthday. This lady is special because she has always been my clutches when I was facing my crippling storms of life. As my blog title suggests, I have always been running in this journey called life and there are times when a small pebble comes along to trip me, which brought some serious injuries to me. Not literally though.

In any way, let just start by saying that she, the lady, has been a source of joy and pain! Oops. Haha... Ups and downs, eh? Haha. Okay! To prevent any misunderstanding, which may arise towards the lady, let me just say that the pain I am referring to is the kind of pain you will feel when you felt that you could have done more for her in a particular situation. Simply put, it hurts me when I indirectly or direct hurt her. Oh! Before you start to point your finger and hurl insults at me, remember that there are 4 other fingers pointing back at you! *Chuckles* Don't forget that you are not perfect yourself!

So now, let's get back to the topic at hand - Birthday planning. The question is, do you find that planning a birthday for such a special person is stressful? Ha! Okay! It could be stressful due to several reason, so before you arrive at a particular reason, please know that origins of the stress can be rather diverse. It could be a good kind of stress, just like it could be the bad kind of stress. Whatever it is, I believe that the joy you experience during these "stressful" times is inevitable because you are doing it for that special someone.

For me, all I can say is that I really want to give her a great day. Before and after that, I also want to be sure that she never regrets the choice the she made by making me her special someone too. I am stress, to say the least. Stress because there are thousand and one ways to celebrate birthdays. However, I believe that like everything else, there is that special one, which will sweep her off her feet and blow her away! Haha.. See that literally and I would be like some psychopath. Of course I don't mean it literally! Haha! I am still in the midst of researching for the ONE! I guess time is still on my side. With the powerful Internet, information, too, is on my side! Oh! With the goverment latest splurge on me, the Progress Package, I guess resources, namely money, is on my side TOO! Wahaha... what can I say. Everything seems to be on my side. I guess I have no excuse to fail then. Stay tune! We shall see the outcome at the end! Will it be one romantic day or will it be a flop?! I hope that it will be the former. Fingers crossed though.

Oh! If you guys have any great - let me emphasis again, GREAT - ideas, please do feel free to drop me an email at damng4444@yahoo.com. In the meantime, have a blessed Labour Day! I guess I will have all the time in the world to think more about this sacred task at hand - Birthday planning - since I need to work tomorrow, a public holiday! Ha! God bless! Love you all!

Finally... updates!

2006-03-28T17:45:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last posted. There was really nothing interesting enough that would spur me to write up an entry. However, since I have finished my work for today and I still have some spare time, I guess I will just rant off anything that comes to mind.

Why not I start with a quick update for those who want to know what is going on in Damian's life? Nothing much has changed since the last time I posted. I am still attached to a beautiful lady. Ha... I am still church-less. Oh! Thank God that I am still working in Creative. Just renew my contract that will see me through 24 April 2007. However, the pay remains the same... Okay, it is certainly better than wage-less. Let me see if there is any thing else. Nothing much... Oh! I am on an exercise regime. One that I hope I can stick to. I really need to lose some weight because I have ballooned ever since this beautiful lady came into my life and stuff me with her unfinished food. Ha! Now you see why there is this phrase, “Beauty and the Beast.” The beast cannot help it... Beauty does not want to eat, so the beast has to step up to the plate and help the beauty. Ha!

Just recently, I just sat through a rather eye opening event. I thought that such drama would only happen in the movies! I was wrong! I do not think that it is necessary for me to go into the details, as I do not want this post to hurt anyone. I never thought that I would see someone, especially a girl, go into a relationship only to give up suddenly, so that the person could get back into a previous relationship the following day. The person must be really cold and emotionless. All I have to say is that I do feel bad for my dear friend. If I were to go into this story, I do not think that this one post would be enough, as there was a history to it and to miss out on any of the points would be unfair to those involved. Anyway, I still think that love is such a mystery. I have recently just drawn a picture of a love being engulfed in flames with the caption, “Rub it the wrong way and it will burn you; Catch it the right way and it will ignite your heart with passion!”

Love is indeed something that no one can fully grasped. The process of love, how it is built up, how it move about... in fact, love is so mysterious, it does not have a standard path. So now, for those inquisitive minds, let me make this clear. I am talking about love on a human level, love that can be beautiful and at the same time, ugly. To be able to behold love is a blessing one would dearly grab on to. To be burnt from it, one would then question its existence. Such is the power of love.

I am amazed! Once I started to pen my thoughts, words will flow like an unstoppable river... gushing and overflowing its bank. I, however, have the power to stop this from becoming too overwhelming, so I think I would just stop here. I will be looking forward to the next time when I have the luxury to sit down with no distractions and the time to paint out the pictures in my mind. I guess I would leave you all with something I wrote to a friend, in reply to a statement a friend of mine made while we were discussing about how we view a relationship.

I don't control every step that I take for I believe that God will lead me.
However, I don't take a step at a time, wondering what my next step would be for I have a journey, a path in front of me.
The path may change. Yes! But still there is a path that I am on.
I don't get dishearten when my path changes.
Rather, I learn to adjust and adapt, so I can continue to walk down the new path.

A tribute to my Grandmother

2006-03-03T18:11:00.000+08:00

1st of March 2006 marks the passing on of my grandmother. The FIRST time losing someone close in the family. I had mixed feelings about the news. Although I was glad to know that she would no longer had to suffer the pain anymore here on earth, I am sad that she has to leave!

I have been close with my grandmother since young! To look back, many things happened between us. I remember that when I was young, I would kick her when I was in my bed, whenever she wanted me to wake me up, so that she could bring me to church for mass. I was too young to know her well intentions and too lazy to attend sunday masses with her. There are times when I would extort money from her during Chinese New Year too. Haha... Well, I wouldn't say these were proud moments of my life. I would, however, like to thank my grandmother for being the wonderful lady she had always been. Someone who would always take my full load of nonsense, someone who really took care of me, someone who was always there to pray for me and someone who LOVES me DEARLY! Thinking back, I am really at a loss right now! I will no longer be able to talk to her and touch her.

It hurts to have to go through the death of someone close but I am encouraged and delighted to know that she has gone to somewhere better, somewhere peaceful... into the arms of God! This sunday will be the day of her cremation. Until then, I will be there to accompany my grandmother at the wake.

It feels so different to see someone lying there motionless, not responding, not looking back at you when you want to interact with her. I will always miss the days when I tried to tease her. I will also remember the days when she would say 'Thank you' when I went to visit her while she was sick. Certainly, I will remember her as someone who is strong, someone who is devoted to God, someone who can take hardships and someone who loves us very much! I want to thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful lady! One who took care of me since I was a baby. I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!

A warm smile
was always there to embrace us.
A gentle touch
was all she had for us.
A devoted heart
showed us your passion for God.
This is our grandmother.

Your fighting spirit
encouraged us to be stronger.
Your peaceful body
will always remind us of the wonderful times.
You are our beloved grandmother.

Now that you are gone,
the fond memories we had with you,
we will hold it closely to our hearts.

We will always love you;
pray for you;
miss you;
think about you
and we will always thank God for you.

Post- Chinese New Year

2006-02-02T17:36:00.000+08:00

Just a quick review of the past week. So many things happened in the past week. I did an ad-hoc project for my department. It was a pilot programme to test if it is viable to have phone support here in Singapore for the US region. Then there was Chinese New Year!

Firstly, I have to praise God that the pilot programme was a fun and, for me, successful one. I am not sure how the management rates it but for me, I managed to resolve about 90% of the issues faced by our US customers through the phone. For the rest of 10%, they had to get back to us. I did, however, have one or two which I needed to escalate their issues to our advance support team for further assistance. Therefore, based on how happy the customer sounded and the many thank you I got from most of the customers, I have to give myself a pat on the back and congratulate myself on a job well done. I have to point out that this is the first time I am doing phone support and I have to admit that it is not something, which one can just take up the phone and start providing support. Yeah… Praise God for His anointing!

Secondly, Chinese New Year was very special this year! Why? The reason why it was special is because it was the first time I brought my girlfriend along! It was so special to me! We spent a great day going from house to house to “bai nian.” My grandma, as you would know, is really sick but I am glad that she was able to spend Chinese New Year with all of us! Though she was in a little bit of pain when her children when to visit her, I could see the joy in her eyes when she saw different people visit her. It was indeed something that money could not buy and I can see that it was really precious to her.

As I am typing this post, I have a heavy burden in my heart because my grandma has since being hospitalized. She was in pain after the third day of Chinese New Year and my aunt admitted her to the hospital. I will be going to the hospital after work today and I do really pray that the strength of God and the love of God will be there to strengthen and encourage her. God kinda lifted the heaviness in my heart this morning after I said a prayer for her. I just hope that she will go peacefully and without much pain if that is the next phase for her. However, if her time is not up yet, I do hope that she will pull through strongly and painlessly too!

To end off, I just want to testify of God’s ever goodness in my life. Two nights ago, I found out that was not able to find my work pass. I called my brother and requested him to help me check if it was in the house to no avail. I checked my bag and I checked with a fellow friend whom I was but the results were negative. While I was on my way to work yesterday, I was certain that my pass must be lost but I wanted to go home and check one last time before I order a new one. During the journey, I decided to pray and ask God to help me in my search for the pass. I said a short prayer and continued the day as per normal, waiting for the day to end, so I could go home and check on the pass. Halfway through the day, the reception in my office building called and told me that someone found the pass and had made the way down to my office to return it to the security office. When I heard that, I was so thankful and blessed! I could not stop praising God for His favor and His mercy! Despite so many things, He remains faithful and gracious! I am indeed thankful! I do really treasure God not for His ability to help me retrieve that which was lost but His merciful and gracious love He has for me!

Though 2006 did not start right for me in more than one ways, eg. computer broke down, had a huge argument with my mum, etc, there are instances and moments that showed me otherwise. I am hopeful always that conclusions are not only drawn from what I know or what I see. Sometimes, things are so complicated and there are others, things are just so simple. In either time, I do not think that I will be able to draw a concrete conclusion to that part of my life story. God, who has the all-powerful pen, will be able to change and alter the ending of that part of my life story. I am hopeful that whatever He pens, I will get what He thinks is best for me!

Season of Receiving!

2006-01-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year is just round the bend and it is another season of harvest. ;) For the benefit my American friends, Chinese New Year is time where the Chinese will visit each other's families. A pair of oranges will be presented to the host by the guests as a form of wishing the host good luck and prosperity. The married adults will also give red packets or what we, Chinese, call it, ANG BAO, to the non-marrieds in the family. This is the reason why I said that this i a season of harvest! Haha... we will be moving around from house to house to collect our LONG-AWAITING rewards! Haha... Just kidding! It is going to be a great time of gathering, where most of the family members will gather at one place to chat and to eat!

This year, it will, however, be a bit special. Our grandma's health is still not that good but we will still be celebrating this New Year with her. She will be at home and I believe that she will have a great time, despite her health. We will definitely make this a memorable one for her. We wanted to do it during Christmas but she was admitted to the hospital on the day when we wanted to celebrate for her. I believe that this time round, everything will go as plan. I am definitely looking forward to it.

I have been rather tied up lately with work. I have not been hitting the gym and running for a while. :( That's demoralizing because it is evident on my waist! This absence from gym and the running track is have adverse effects on my physique! Haha... man... if my dad's taxi has a flat tyre (not sure if this is the correct spelling for the rubber thingy that wraps around the metal wheel of a car), I would believe that I will be of much use! :) Haha...

I hate this state of me! I will certainly squeeze some time out the within the rest of the week and next to do some exercise. Oh! I registered for my company's aerobics kickboxing too! This will be my first aerobics class in my whole entire life! I am so excited! At last, I can throw some mean punches and get those kicks done without having to look stupid! :)

Be joyful always! Hopeful in ALL things! To have joy is not to seek for the source. Rather it is to delight in the whatever you are having NOW!

Some reflections...

2006-01-05T17:59:00.000+08:00

The first few days of the new year have been sweet! I even chanced upon my sister's blog. I never knew that she has one! I never even thought that she would start one! Ha! How wrong was I!? As I was reading her blog, I was deeply sadden to see how much she is suffering in her relationship. I posted some comments to encourage her and I really understand how she feels.

Like her, I guess we are both extremely emotional creatures. I understand that everyone has emotions. Ours, however, are abit more intense and hard to shake off. If it goes to the extreme, we will even become very insecure and negatives thoughts will eventually enter our minds. I have always wonder why I am so emotional... Why can't I be like some others, who do not have to go through these emotional turmoils. Some people tend to take things so easily. Yes, you may say that they are positive and all. I am too! =) In fact, I have been exercising that too! However, emotions are still there to bother me! I chose to ignore it but the thoughts kept barraging! I remained positive and tried to deflect them. In the end, the constant barraging will just overwhelm me.

I guess I should not be focusing on the fact that I am emotional. I should, instead, focus on how to deal or prevent these negative thoughts from getting near to me. I am still clueless. Whenever I am overwhelmed, I would turn to God. Apart from Him, I really do not know who to turn to. He never fails! Whenever I am defeated, He would take away the pain and at times, He would make me forget about why I became so emotional! Ha... There are even times when I tried to recall because I just want to wallow in my own misery and really have a good cry over it, but it was too hard... the memories just could not be found!

I am currently learning how to start leaning on God not only at the moment of defeat but at the moment of attack. He is my Shelter, my Refuge my Portion forever! I am hopeful, like always, that I will be strong. I hate myself for being so emotional but I do also accept me for who I am!

Negative emotions are killers! They can really bring you to places so dark that you cannot even find any hope. Nevertheless, there is hope! God is my hope and my source of strength. I have been through these emotional patches or dark valleys so many times that I have learnt how to look for Him and where to look for Him whenever I am in it. Never once had He failed to deliver me. It may not be immediately at times but I am always grateful that for the wretched man that I am, He always come true for me! Praise God!

I am definitely not looking forward to these emotional roller-coasters but if they do come, I will face them HEAD ON, with my shielf of faith and my sword of the Spirit!

Lord, I pray for strength when emotions hit me! I know that you, being the Almighty God, is able to bring me out of rugs and that Your love will fill me when I am in need of it! Lord, I also want to pray for my sister. Though, she has not really proclaim You her personal Savior, I prayed that, being the Merciful God, You will lift her up and refresh her soul. Enlighten her about Your love and Your everlasting desire to want us back in Your arms, happy. Thank you Lord for Your love and your strength!

Ushering in the New Year, 2006! 2005 in review.

2005-12-31T13:29:00.000+08:00

2006! Another new year for me. New year is always a special day for me. It signifies a new beginning, a fresh start, where I kind of get a new chance to better live my life! The past is still there but like its name, it is the past. What happened in 2005 will no longer matter in 2006, at least not directly. All the unhappiness in 2005 will stay in 2005. All the failures will stay there too!

2005 has been crazy! Haha... It was indeed one bizarre ride through this part of my life! You can say that it liken one of those Ghost House's ride. You get scares here and there, with moments of peace for you to catch your breaths. At the start of 2005, everything seemed normal and I was on track in life, with a blessing from God, my job in Creative. A blessing because, first of all, I will no longer be unemployed and secondly, it offers better starting pay for a diploma graduate like myself! However, it was also in this year that things started to happen. Unhappiness, disappointments, resentment and many others... I got my taste of what it is really like to be a TRUE Christian, a true worshipper of God.

My lowest point in life so far was in this year. It was kinda in the middle of the year where everything was not going right for me. Like the roaring waves, it started ram against me; consuming my energy, my faith, my hope and me in totality. As time passed, it began to rob me of my joy and the inner peace. It was so bad that for the first time, I pondered on what it would be like if I were to go through this with the love of God. I was encouraged, blessed and honored to be bestowed with this gift, the love of God. I guess I would be totally devastated to the point of ending my life if I had to go through it without God and of course, my friends.

It was also in this year that I had kind of a personal breakthrough. Firstly, I got myself a sweet and patient girl. Saying I will cherish her is definitely an understatement. Secondly, on a personal level, I learnt to be more independent and to see things from a broader view. There are things in life that happen, which make you think twice about your past actions and perspective. I would very much like to think that life is all sweet and it is like a box of chocolate. However, the opposite is true. Life is dark and going through it is like riding on a small boat, trying to find your way to your ultimate destination. Thus the verse, which is before me, on my monitor (I sticked it onto my monitor months back!) :

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8

As I started to prepare myself for the new year a few days back, I began to think about what I want to achieve in 2006 and years after. I thought about my studies, my career, my love life and what I want to achieve as a son to my parents, a brother to my siblings, a friend to others and a child to God. There were so many things to consider and thereis only so much you can plan. I started to draw out a plan in my mind, penning some others on a piece of paper. Budget, my new rooom layout, savings, etc... began to form. I was glad. I really do believe in this saying, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." However, to stop at this is frivolous too! There is another saying: "Actions speaks louder than words." Therefore, in the new year, not only am I planning, I will try my best to bring out the actions!

Apart from planning on what to do in the new year, I seeked to mend those things that are broken, eg. relationships. I believe that in a year, alot of things can happen, especially in a relationship! One moment, two people can be as close as brothers. The next, the can be the most hated enemies. I did have similar encounters but not to the extent of enemies. We have kind of stop communicating as much. Our status has fallen to that of mere hi-bye friends. I sent out messages to state my desire, desire to reconcile. What I really desire is to apologize and hope that our relationship can improve thereafter. However, as this is a two sided affair, I could not really do much. I have signalled my intentions and like what I have told a friend, "I am a Christian and I have FAITH and HOPE that things will work out!" What matter most is that I, on my part, have put in the necessary effort. With that, I will have to put my faith into the hope that things will ultimately turn out just fine. I am also glad that I started to make moves in the family this Christmas. This is the first year I bought them Christmas gifts. They may not be much but I guess they are all steps toward building a greater relationship and bonding in the family.

I am glad that towards the end of 2005, things started to fall back into place. With the help of my God, girlfriend and friends, I began to feel love and joy. It really does not matter what happen in the middle! It is the end that matters. What matter most was that I did not give up on life when the going was tough. I guess we all have to go through periods in life where it really makes you think. I have just gone through one of those times. Don't really feel great when I am in it. However, going through it was definitely an experience!

Just want to end off by saying sorry, and I mean it, to every single hearts whom I have hurt, either by my words or actions. I believe that I was insensitive to your feelings. Please do accept my apologies. I am unable to apologize to every single person personally but I want you all to know that this means just as much! I love you all!

Lastly, I want to thank God for His love and His patience. I believe that everyone has their own view on a particular situation but there is really no point in arguing about whose view is correct. I just trust that God will continue to blow my sail into His direction, as I began to paddle, in a small little boat in a vast endless ocean, where the sunrise is a reminder to me that there is always a new day (hope) tomorrow.

Which Narnian are you?

2005-12-31T11:30:00.000+08:00

For me, I am Prince Caspian.

As Prince Caspian you are a noble, goodhearted but mischievous scallywag! Fun loving, you are admired for your easy going nature.

Interested to find out which you are, click HERE!

Christmas 2005

2005-12-24T10:29:00.000+08:00

Today marks the EVE of a special day, CHRISTMAS! Christmas, like always, is a day of celebrations, gift givings and in particular, it is a day where joy can be tangibly felt! If you do not believe me, just walk around during Christmas day and you will know that it is not like any other day. Wherever you go, you will be able to feel this strange joy in you, with nothing tangible triggering it. Until this day, it still amazes me.

It is definitely more than the gift and the Santa Claus. For me, I would like to think that it is because it is indeed a special day, a day where our Saviour, Jesus Christ, is borned.

This Christmas for me is special in many ways. This is going to be my first Christmas since 2002 where I am not going to spend it with my church friends. Instead, this will be the first Christmas I am spending it with my partner! This is also the first time I am giving Christmas gifts to my family and I really enjoyed myself! Oh! I miss my Drama team too!!! It was during a Christmas production that I was asked to help. Subsequently, it was there that I was brought into the Drama team! Love you guys!

Christmas is more than just a calendar holiday for me. Especially this year where many things happened for me. Christmas reminds me of a new birth and a new hope. 2006 will defintely be a different year for me. I know it will. I love Christmas.

On Christmas day itself, I will, for the first time, be spending it with my girlfriend and my family. As you know, my grandma is really sick now and the entire family just want to spend it with her, to encourage her and to shower love onto her. We will be having our first gift exchange. This is definitely first for me. Wondering on the gift I am going to get. OOPs. Hehe... Nah... Looking forward a great time I am going to have with them all! =)

Alright people, that's all from me! I wish you that you will have a great and enjoyable Christmas. May this Christmas be a meaningful one to you! Let the joy that's in the air renew you! At the same time, I want to wish you all a Happy new year too! God bless! =)

Great start to a Great week!

2005-12-13T18:42:00.000+08:00

After such a "scary" past week, my monday kicked off without much happenings! Haha... That means that this is going to be a GREAT week! Ah... I wonder what is going to happen next. After a series of unfortunate events, I would believe that good things are going to follow! So now, I am really looking forward to my blessings! Haha... Oh... and what a great time to be blessed, since Christmas is coming!

Just finished my work for the day and I am looking forward to a wonderful evening! I will be going to check out on some mobile phone plans and the price of a Nokia 3230! My contract is up and it is time to sign a new contract and reward myself with a new phone! Haha... Now that I am working, I guess my budget can increase! This phone, which I am looking at, will cost me around $200 together with the mobile plan! Hmm... However, the phone has a shortcoming. It can get laggy at times. I really love the functions and features of the phone though. I guess I have to make a decision then! I will be spending my evening thinking and checking out more about it!

Lastly, Christmas is just around the corner. I wonder how I will be spending this Christmas. Last Christmas, I was busy preparing for my church's drama production. This Christmas? Haha... I have time, as I am not involved in the upcoming production. I guess I will be doing some shopping then, to get gifts for my loved ones, family members to be precise. If I really do manage to get presents for them, this, I guess, will be the very first time I am doing such a thing! I don't think that I have given Christmas gifts to my family members before. Haha... It is going to be awkward, giving presents to my mum and dad! We are Asians and I do get awkward when we get too mushy! Haha... Christmas is a season of giving, right? I guess I will make this move and start being more giving and loving! Ah... a scary, yet fulfilling task.

Gotta stay positive in life and to grab on to the hope! I am going to have a great end to my year, 2005! I believe! =)

Choice: Rejoice!

2005-12-10T13:56:00.000+08:00

Wow! I am totally amazed at what had happened throughout the past week! It was one of the worst weeks in my whole entire life. I have not had so much things, be it big or small, happened to me in a matter of a week!

At the start of the week, I spilled a cup of beverage on my work table and some of my papers were soaked. Some of it even got into my keyboard and not to mention, dirtying the carpet, making it stink. Then throughout the week, more accidents happened. Then just yesterday, after alighting from the cab, I had the shock of my life! I left my wallet in the cab! This is indeed a first for me! I have never lost my wallet before after I got my identity card. However, thank God, the wallet came back to me at the end of the day, all thanks to a helpful cabby!

Then like an icing to a cake, my harddisk crashed! The one where all the essential data are stored crashed! There goes my digital photographs and all of the other important files, which I have in it! My music, movies, sermons... they are all gone! This is the second time my harddisk died on me. The first, I lost a few hundreds of pieces of memories too, my photographs. This time, I lost even more. However, thank God that I had done a backup about a month ago. Therefore, the loss is still not that bad. I am really perplexed now! Things are really not going smoothly for me this week. Everything that can go bad went bad!

However, my spirits are still high! I am not defeated. Thank God that these are all material stuff. All the lost memories and data only makes me realise the importance of backing up and to cherish the new memories ahead! Though my heart aches, I do feel strengthened. Week like this only strength and reduce my reliance on material things; showing me that all these are temporary and that it can one day die/disappear from the face of this earth! I can still praise God and thank Him for everything else and for the strength to go through this week.

I just want to really thank God for the wallet episode. When I realised that I had left the wallet in the cab, I could have gone crazy and panic but these was this hope and peace in me. I prayed and really lifted the burden up to God. I did what I can, trying to recall the cab's company and making a call to make a report for the lost. All I could do was to wait and hope. I could not run around to locate the cab. I could not call the cabby, as I did not have his contact. However, God gave me strength to stay calm and hope to keep my faith strong! Praise God for such a wonderful week amidst all the bad encounters and experiences! I will rejoice in all things for worrying and lamenting do not bring forth a change! I will stay positive!

Wonderful Weekend!

2005-12-05T11:54:00.000+08:00

The weekend that has just passed was awesome. Not only did I start going to gym again, I went to East Coast park for a great cycling and sun tanning session on sunday! What more can I ask for? Haha... I guess this is a good way to get myself back to the pathway towards a greater physique and health!

I have been down with a series of illness, eg. diarrhea, flu and headaches for the past two to three weeks and that has kind of hold back my progress towards a better health! Hmm... I guess I have to keep myself healthy, so that I can get myself healthier! Have been having much more suppers because of my girlfriend! Haha... she is not fat, so I guess she can afford! Being the GOOD boyfriend that I am, of course, I will accompany her out for suppers! Haha!

Ok... so my resolution for Decemeber will be to not fall sick and to be consistent in visiting the gym and at least run once every week! Strength, determiniation, belief and hope is what I need! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Haha... A healthy and toned body is what I am working towards to!

That's so much for this post! A post to remind myself to keep fit physically. As a result, I believe I will be healthy emotionally too! :)

Interesting comment!

2005-11-29T11:55:00.000+08:00

I got this comment in my blog today:

“You seem to talk alot about God but yet seems like you have left Him long ago!?”

When I saw this comment, I was kinda shocked at how shallow this person is. No offence though. I was thinking… why would he/she make this kind of comment? How did he/she know if I have left God?

The question here is not about leaving God. The question I have is what or who is God to this person? I believe this person, let’s name him/her Z. Z should be someone I know or someone who knows who I am. I believe why Z said what he/she said was because he/she knows certain things, which are happening in my life.

So the question is... must someone do or meet a certain requirement(s) before he/she can be passed of as with God? Similarly, if someone else does not, does that qualify him/her to be not with God? This worries me because the whole idea of God is so messed up.

God is the reason why we do certain things, eg. attending services, reading the Bible, praying, etc. However, does doing all these things means that a person has God? This, I will not want to answer. Similarly, not attending service does not mean that a person is without God. He may just be going through some issues in life and he may be sorting them out at this current moment. Therefore, this really scares me! It is when people start to have a fixed view on certain things and they start to pass them off as a truth. Instead of helping, it may have deterring effects.

I am certainly not angry with that comment. I am, however, disappointed with what Z said, to pass off a certain conclusion based on his/her own reasoning. I do believe, like what I shared two posts ago, that we have to be wiser in our words, to be sensitive towards others. Words are powerful and they DO kill! Not literally but it can kill a man's soul!

The Room

2005-11-27T15:02:00.000+08:00

Check out this wonderful and touching story! I was browsing through some MSNSpaces and I happened to stumble into this little heaven... and that is where I got to read this beautiful illustration...

The Room

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features. Except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files , which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files , the first to catch my attention was one that read "People I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwheming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here! Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine.

It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

Unknown Author

Sensitivity

2005-11-27T10:18:00.000+08:00

"Sensitivity means you're aware of others. you can see what's going on inside, not just outside. You can interpret body language as well as spoken language. A sensitive person looks into other people's eyes and can tell if they're pset, if they're being honest, if they're holding something back, or if they're angry. Sensitive people are observant, but gentle. They dont try to expose others, but rather support them and encourage them - senstive people know how to truly be with others, Being a Christian doesn't give a person the right to preach to others about their needs or to immediately try to fi those needs. A real disciple notices the need first, works to understand that need, and then decides what to do. Disciples don't exist to fix people, but to notice people."

From the book Devotion by Mike Yaconelli

Let's really start to be more sensitive to others. You may be of good intention but good intention can harm if not handle correctly! :) Have a blessed sunday!

Perspective

2005-11-23T17:38:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about our perspectives! Everyone has an own set of mindset, be it positive or negative. A good analogy of our perspectives is in this simple yet well known picture of a glass half filled with water. As we all know, the glass may be half-empty to some and be half full to others.

So is there anything wrong with either one of them? The answer is NO! Definitely not! This just shows how we look at things. For people who say that the glass is half-empty, they are the ones who will always focus on the negative aspect of things. As for the other group who thinks that the glass is hall filled, they are the ones who look on the brighter side of things. Since our views on things are free, which is the one you want to choose?

Let's take a look at those who see the glass as half-empty. People over here think that since the glass is half-empty, why should they then go and fill up the glass. Even if they were to fill up the glass, the glass will go back to its half-empty stage again! To these people, the glass will eventually be EMPTY! Therefore, it is HOPELESS to fill up the glass! What does this mean? This means that people with this view do not like to take actions. Most of the situations to them are more or less final! They do not believe that they can do anything to change the situation they are in. Even if they were to try and change, they will fail. As you can see, even before they have the courage to take a step, they have already handed themselves a report card, a report card that has a big four letters on them, F-A-I-L!

Now, let's take a look at the other group who see the glass as half full! People who see it in this way know that they are half way to a filled glass of water! They will then want to fill up the glass; enthusiastic about wanting to have a full glass of water. Therefore, they are the ones who know that they have the power to change the situations they are in. The situations they are in are not final and if they start to make the right move/actions, also known as filling up the glass, they will be able to change a bad situation into a good one (a filled glass). Nothing in final is life. They will never resign to life. Instead, they see that life is challenging and fun. Life is full of opportunities for them to exercise their power to shape a situation! They are hopeful and they believe!

Belief is important! Belief gives us a hope! This hope in turns stirs us, which leads to actions! Actions get things going. When things start to move, results, good and bad start to show! This is when situation starts to change! At this point, the point is not about whether the results are good or bad. Results are determined by the actions! But the point I am emphasizing here is that when you are positive, you believe you can change any given situation, which are unfavorable. When you believe, you will start to make the necessary (good) actions, which will lead ultimately to a (good) ending!

After saying so much, let me emphasize this again. Perspectives are free! It does not cost you anything to think positive! It certainly does not cost you anything to think negative too! Therefore, since being positive gives you a chance to change things for the better, and that having this perspective, it is free, why not choose a positive perspective! When you are in a negative situation, being negative does not make it positive. However, being positive gives you a hope to make it positive! Thus, I can certainly conclude that having a positive mindset put you in a no lose situation. You may fail to make it positive but at least, you tried. But see it this way, what if you do succeed?

Start looking at the brighter side of things... Everything will gradually become more and more beautiful, as you no longer focus on the negative aspect of things but instead, you learn how to appreciate and admire the already available positive attributes! Doesn't this make life more interesting and fun? Don't you think that you will be happier this way? Start living life on the right note! Be blessed!

Life

2005-11-20T16:40:00.000+08:00

The past few weeks have really provoked my mind and thoughts I have not stumbled upon suddenly came rushing towards me head on. Emily Rose and just recently, the death of Eddie Guerrero.

Questions like what is really important in life and many others began to hit me. Is our dream the main priority in life? Or is it more than all that? Attaining our dreams and at the same time, not sacrificing that which is simple yet important in life, our love for our loved ones.

Eddie did that... He loved his family and he ran after his dreams, wrestling! He was a good man despite his pasts. It was an emotional lost for the wrestling world and for all the wrestling fans! You can see the love he left behind. He has indeed stole millions and millions of hearts. That became evident after his passing on... Grown men weeping at their lost, small kids crying in shock... Eddie had certainly impacted lives during his life.

Like in many of the superstars' testimonial, despite all these, they knew that he was a not even close to where he is now years backs. Life was dark and demons came attacking him from all corners. He had been through alot, fought many battles... and like what one of the superstars said, it is not how we start but how we end in life that matters! But when is the end? That is the question that hit me! We will never know when is the exact last day of our lives! Life is more than selfish gains, it is about discovering the lovely part of self. Coming in tune with oneself, to appreciate this world God has created and to admire the beauty God put in this wonderful world.

Emily Rose brought the reality of God closer to me. Eddie? He showed me that in this broken down and corrupted world, love is still pure. That love can touch the hearts of man, even the most hardened of individuals. Eddie loved! He sacrificed for his family. He sacrificed for his dream. He injured himself, so that he could perfect moves and bring more entertainment to the wrestling industry. Despite his on-screen heel (bad) personality, he is still loved by many... for his art, his professionalism and his passion for this business. When you mentioned Eddie these few days, you will be able to sense love... because he loved his fans, everyone... and everyone loves him too!

Life is short and unexpected! I mourn for Eddie's passing! This entry is dedicated to him! I do sincerely respect him, his works and everything else related to him. I am happy, however, that he found God and was devoted to know God more. His faith and his strength in God was inspiring too. I believe that he is resting comfortably in God's hands now! The only comfort towards death is to know that death is not the end... instead, it gives us an opportunity to go into aplaceof greater comfort, peace and love!

Life, there is more to life than money, religion and many others! Life is about relationships. Relationships with people and most importantly, our relationship with our Creator, the One who made all these possible!

Blinded by the E word!

2005-11-17T17:57:00.000+08:00

Never let your present emotions blind your progress!

Once again, when I was having a casual chat with the same friend, I realized something new again! We were talking about his progress with this girl he likes and about the emotions he is having. Then, as I was encouraging and trying to lift up his spirits with my words, I typed out this phrase, “Never let your present emotions blind your progress!” Once again, my mind is slower than my hands. As I read what I have just typed, it made me realize that I have uncovered something priceless, something which I have been struggling with too.

Revelations or lessons I learnt from unconventional ways are priceless to me! They are unlike lessons I can learn from the normal means, eg. reading, school, etc. These revelations, as I like to call them, tells me that God is with me. I believe that we, normal humans who only use 3% of our brains, cannot really have these sudden sparks of brilliance out of the blue. Something or Someone must have push a certain button or cause a veil in a certain part of our brain to be removed! Like I have said, I always treasure these revelations and I do not want that to stop! It causes me to learn and improve myself; sometimes, getting myself out of the mud, which I, myself, have led myself in.

Let's now talk about the phrase I have just shared, “Never let your present emotions blind your progress!” Let me share it directly from my life. There are times when I knew that there is progress in a situation and that it is going smoothly. Then all of the sudden, something happened and it invoked some emotions within me, eg. perceiving that some is isolating from me. I know that this friendship is growing and is healthy. However, an action from that friend may have triggered some negative emotions.

When this happens, I will tend to be ignorant to the fact that before these emotions, we have a healty friendship. I will then focus on these negative emotions... deceiving myself, thinking that our friendship is not growing, instead, it is plunging. Therefore, emotions can really help us, when they are positive. The opposite is true. Emotions can also blind us, leading us to believe something, which may not be true. Despite all these, I sincerely believe that emotions are good! What we need to do is to be in control, instead of having it control us. Emotions can shed some light on certain areas, which we may be blinded to. However, in doing so, they can also lead us into another darkness, to a place where we cannot see reality.

What I have learnt from this is that I have to know the facts. I cannot deny a fact just by having a particular emotion. Things may be bleak but that is only from my perspective. It may not be the case. Therefore, I will always want to have a positive outlook to all things and I will not want to let my emotions tell me things or place conclusions in my head. Never let emotions blind my progress. God bless!

It is almost 6... almost time to knock off! One more day to the weekends... Hmm... Sad to say, this weekend is burnt! I have to work on both days! Haha... But all is good! It is only for this week! God bless you all and have a nice weekend on my behalf!

Happiness =)

2005-11-12T16:53:00.000+08:00

Recently, I was discussing some stuff with a colleague of mine and something struck me. I was encouraging him on something and I was, as usual, rattling away. Suddenly, I noticed that I wrote something, which I did not really understand before. I wrote: "Happiness is found, not given." I only realised the punch of this sentence after I finished writing. I did not consciously write this down. Rather, I was just writing straight out from my thoughts.

I meditated on what I had written and kinda explain what I meant by this phrase to my friend. As I was explaining, supposedly to him, I was enlightening myself at the same time! I was totally amazed and I know that this was inspired by God! I really do thank God for these thoughts and revelations, which He had placed in me.

Happiness is truly not given. If we do wait for people to give us happiness, we may be bitter always. Why? It is because our mood will then depend on how other people treat us and whether the other party is willing to make your day. If the other party is in a bad mood and in turn, decide not to give lift you up, you will practically not get happiness. However, if our happiness is independent of others, we will always be happy whenever we want! All it takes is that we WANT to be happy. This way, we will be happy even if others are not giving us any positive remarks, reports, etc. In addition, we will be HAPPIER if others decide to give us some additional happiness! So this kinda says it! It is definitely better to find your own happiness, rather than to wait for happiness to be given. In this way, it is always a win-win situation!

I am a child of God,
Happy will I stay always!
I am a child of God,
no amount of sorrows can take my joy away,
for in Him, happiness is found!
Never will happiness be determined by others,
rather, I will find my own happiness,
in God, in myself and in the things I like!
Happiness is pure and is of me!
I am a child of God,
full of happiness I proclaim!

Inspiration on Love

2005-11-09T13:06:00.000+08:00

Just wanna share something, which I have conjured up while I was "busy" working! haha... I was just writing to God and a sudden inspiration came upon me! So here it is! Hope that you will like it just I did myself!

LOVE:

As Beautiful as it is, it can birth forth some ugly scenes;
As Simple as it is, it can complicate one's thoughts;
As Colourful as it is, it can darken your mood;
As Sweet as it is, you certainly do not want to taste the bitter part of it!

Just like Good and Evil,
there are two sides to LOVE,
there are two sets of emotions,
and there are certainly two sets of choice...
Make the right choice!

Choose the Beautiful side and your days will be filled with wonders;
Choose the simple side and you will be able to appreciate much more things;
Choose the Colourful side and your days will be much more interesteing;
Choose the Sweet side and you will never know how bitter the world can get!

Love is free but the emotions are not!
You gain when spirits are lifted up,
but it costs you when you hurt others.
It builds you up when others love you back,
but it can destroys you when they hurt you instead.

Above all, love others the way you want others to love you!

Feeling of Isolation...

2005-11-07T17:35:00.000+08:00

Feeling rather isolated in the office lately. That's because some stuff happened. However, I am not going to into the details. It was just some bad misunderstandings, which resulted in some unhappiness. This is what life is all about, human relationships... Haha! It can make you and it can certainly break. I did my part in moving forward into reconciliation. But I guess the misunderstanding is too deep for that move to materialise any time soon. Friends, 2 to be exacet, whom I used to joke and have fun with during office hours are now so distant! I know that I was not at fault and I have tried talking to them. It was their hard shell that deterred me from going any further.

I was rather affected by this and at times, it does run havoc in my mind! I tried to be positive and forgiving. I tried not to think too much and I tried not to put thoughts on how they view me in my mind. I pushed them away. This is how much I am affected! Now, work is a drag throughout the day, not as loud as compared to the past. However, I am certainly learning to cope and I am proud to say that I am coping well as each day passes.

Why? This is because I am not going through this alone. I get the emotions. Then, like a passing baton, I lift it up to God. I am reading this book, "Have you felt like Giving Up lately," and today, I read about the topic on spiritual dryness. The author shared on how we must maintain a life of prayer. This is one area that I am trying to do more. When feeling of isolation comes, I will take a minute off work and let God takes over.

Today after lunch, this sense of isolation came and I was really despaired. I managed to grab a piece of paper and then started penning my thoughts, how I felt and out from the heart flows all my tears. The emotions rushed out as I began to write. After pouring out my thoughts, I asked God to give me freedom from this. To be honest, I did not feel the freedom immediately. It is only now that I realised that I am free... The thoughts were not as strong and I am certainly happier. It certainly helps to incorporate God in all of my issues, good or bad. However, it is only during bad times that we bring Him in. Haha... During thriving seasons, God, for me, is often forgotten. Maybe once in a while, I will say "Thank God" casually and not really mean what I say. To think back, I really do feel a bit bad! It is like I am just using Him. Hmm...

Lord, I pray that you will help me appreciate you ALL the days of my life, not only in bad times but also in GOOD times!

I certainly enjoy this book that I am reading now. I enjoy flipping through each and every page, reading through each and every word! I will certainly be blessed! I believe not in the book but in God who brought his book to me, to encourage me! Thank you, Lord!

More to Life!

2005-11-07T01:10:00.000+08:00

This is a comment that I have posted on a fellow sister-in-Christ's msnspace, which I think was kinda inspiring. It was written without much thought. Oh! It certainly encouraged me and I hope that it will do the same for you too!

"We, being lazy, always think that there is still time... to enjoy the world before committing our lives to God. I, myself, face this kind of dilemma too. Is it worth it to know God now and to give up the world?

However, I know, after knowing God that... it is more than giving up your OWN time, your OWN world... but it is INCORPORATING God into our lives... not for the wrong things though. Don't get me wrong. But life is about discovering that, which has not been discovered together with our Creator!

It is like a kid building a sandcastle with his dad. Block of sand on top of another block of sand. Finding ways to strengthen this wonderful castle they are building...

Life is definitely more than work, bills and entertainment! Why do we want the best of one world when we can enjoy the best of both worlds! :)"

Rest!!

2005-11-04T07:48:00.001+08:00

At last... I was able to NOT go to work on a rainy morning! I was working for the past 4 days! haha... even though there were 2 holidays!!!! Hmpf! Haha... So here I am... early in the morning... with nothing much to do! The plan was to go for a swim... but just like I have mentioned... IT'S RAINING! =( So i guess that's off!

Oh! I got another agenda... I have to a radiology clinic for a Chest X-Ray! Wow... that's serious! I have been coughing for weeks and I have this wheezing sound when I breathe in and out. Of course, this is affecting my daily life. I pity my colleagues because they have to bear with my LOUD coughs and the bugs that I may be spreading! Muahaha... so yeah... may be going back to bed before making this trip down to Jurong East for the scan! Oh! After that, I will be going for my LONG-AWAITED haircut! I hate long and thick hair!!! They are so hard to style... man.... Thank God that this is THE DAY!!!! =)

Reviewing this post showed me that it is really unorganized! haha... with not theme at all! I guess this is just an update since it has been a while I last posted! Anyway, I am currently reading a book, sent to me by an anonymous person! The title of the book is "Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately." I have to say the author who wrote this is really real... Not just about FAITH preaching. Rather he really comes from a human point and really review the struggles we all go through. Though I still struggle through some of the truths, coming to terms with some of it, I really enjoy this book! I am praying that God will continue to bless and strengthen me! =)

So as this is a blog which people whom I know may read and one of them may be the one who gave me this book, I just wanna say thanks! Haha... though it was weird like... the books you receive really depends on how people perceive your spiritual life! Haha... If you are doing well, you may be getting another book and stuff! Though it can be rather shallow at times... but I really thank God for bringing this book to me. I have yet to finish it and sure, it is already pouring new wine into me! :)

Finally, I just wanna thank all my cool friends who have been faithfully praying for me! God bless you people! See ya!

Newest member to the FAMILY!

2005-10-23T22:21:00.000+08:00

Haha... yes! the title can be misleading! If you think that my mum has given birth, you are WRONG! haha... the newest member to our NG FAMILY is a RABBIT! haha.. yes! you have heard me... a netherland dwarf! my bro has given him/her a name. oh.. for your info, I do not know its sex! haha... anyway, his/her name is NOVA! :) COol eh? we are definitely having a lot of fun with this new cutie now! let's hope it is not short-lived! Hahaha... Oh! here is a pic of it... I mean him/her!

Emotions: The GOOD and The BAD

2005-10-20T11:39:00.000+08:00

Firstly, I just want to thank God that He has made us to be emotional creatures. Without that, we will not be able to experience love, gratitude, and many others. However, just like every other things... there are opposites. As there are good emotions, there are certainly undesirable ones! However, this make us unique and UNPREDICTABLE! We are different from the animal kingdom where SCIENTIST can learn how an animal will react and it will do in a particular situation. For us, human beings, scientisit can claim all they want but seriously, we do not have a fixed pattern for every single one. Everyone will react different to a similar situation.

Just yesterday, I went through the dark trenchs of emotion. Something happened, obviously. I came to know of a particular thing and, to be honest, it was something that was special to me. That thing was a she and this she is someone I really like but was in more than one ways, incompatible. We have talked about it and have decided to move on. However, just like I have mentioned that emotions can be good, they can get rather STICKY sometimes! I have tried to let it go and I guess bits of it has left. Anyway, I knew that it was hard for us to be together.

Then yesterday, as I was preparing to leave for work, I decided to surf around Friendster. I was just browsing through Friendster and I saw that she had updated her profile. Out of curiousity, I decided to check it out. As it turns out, she changed her status to "In a Relationship." At that point in time, I was still fine. Did not think much about it. In fact, I was happy for her! :)

About an hour passed, I was sitting in front of my computer in my office, going through my normal routine. Answering E-MAILs! Then sudddenly, I noticed that my handphone has litted up. I took it and found out that I have received a message. Pressed a few buttons and the message loaded. It was from her, the girl whom I have just visited in Friendster earlier on. She asked me how I am and informed me that she is officially attached. It was at this particular moment that I went out of control. I did not know what hit me! I was still happy for her. However, my emotions took a dip and I landed without knowing that I just had a long, long dip down into its trenches. That fall was painful. I replied her and wished her all the best. Soon, I became bitter and I hated LOVE. It all happened in a matter of minutes. - -"

Though I already knew that we will not be together and have already chosen to push her out of my heart, it still hurts like mad! I began to conjure up with phrases like " Love is to give and sometimes, it hurts so much that you want to think twice before giving." Okay... this is not exactly due to the fact that she is attached. Another factor, which may have contributed this ticket to the trenches, is that I currently like a girl now. It kind of made me feel that love is just a STUPID game. You will like someone and that someone may not like you. However, there may be another one whom will like you but you will never like that someone. I became a bit cynical and for the whole of yesterday, I was really disturbed by it.

I hated love and I hated the fact that no matter how much you may want to give to a person, she may not even be with you. Yes, according to the truth, love is to give and not expecting anything back. But let's be more practical and honest, we do expect that at least we can be with the person whom we are giving to, because we like that person. Bitterness started to fill my heart and I really wanted to STOP loving! At that point in time, I hated love in its entirety! Every single bit of it. It really ruined my whole day. I was depressed and moody at work, at gym after work and during supper, after gym! Throughout the day, I was having a few brief periods of spasm! I was swearing within me and this really shocked me! Haha... I have not being so emotionally charged for a while and I was shocked that I was totally uncontrollable. Thank God for a good friend whom I have in my office. I shared with him and he encouraged me.

When I reached home, I was bitter to the brim! All the negative emotions were welling inside of me! I was angry; I was bitter; I was hopeless; I was basically negative. I decided to worship God. I grabbed my guitar and started playing a song. Then, I took out a worship DVD and started worshipping God, immersing in His presence. This lifted some of the emotions (bad). I followed with communicating this load of emotions to God. I prayed that He will help me share this burden, to ease my load. I have to say that it was good. When I woke up this morning, I was renewed and recharged. I no longer feel so negative about loving. It just feels good to be out of the trenches. Definitely, we will go through emotional highs and lows and this is what makes it all SO INTERESTING! Haha... It really colours my life. Though it may hurt and I was definitely shocked with what happend to me yesterday. But I am glad that it did too! I mean, to see it in a the cup is half full perspective, at least I got the chance to experience love. Love is giving and sometimes it does really hurt! God loves us and sent His only Son to die for us on the cross! It hurts Him to see His Son crucified! Thank God for walking with me and for carrying me!

I am amused by all that has happened. Sure, we may think that we can handle a certain situation when it comes but then again, when it hits you, we may not be able to handle it in the way we wanted to! Expected events, as in I know that she will get attached one day, but unexpected reactions. I did not know that it can really affect me so much! To love is definitely good. I could have posted an entry yesterday and ranted on how sucky love is. But in reality, love is definitely the sweetest things on earth!

Love brings you to places in your emotions you have never been to and love brings out the real you, you never thought you are, both the good and the bad. I will definitely cherish love and learn how to love, to give and to cherish. Praise God for love. Let me end with this poem (not by me). It talks about how unexpected things can happen during the day but it is how we get ourselves prepared before going into the day. Love it very much!

THE DIFFERENCE

I got up early one morning
and rushed right into the day.
I had so much to accomplish
that I didn't have time to pray.
Problems just tumbled about me
and heavier came each task.
'Why doesn't God help me?' I wondered,
He anwsered, 'You didn't ask.'

I wanted to see joy and beauty,
but the day toiled on gray and bleak,
I wondered why God didn't show me,
He said, 'You didn't seek.'
I tried to come into God's presence,
I used all my keys at the lock,
God gently and lovingly chided,
'My child, you didn't knock.'

I woke up early this morning,
and paused before entering the day.
I had so much to accomplish,
thatI had to take time to pray.

May the Spirit leads me...

2005-10-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

Have been checking on my blog daily... thinking of what to write. In the past, I would just update about what happened daily in my life. However, nowadays, I have a change of direction and instead having senseless and sometimes useless posts, I rather insert constructive ones. So it happens that today is THE day. Have nothing much to do now... wanna play the guitar but too lazy to pick it up! Ha! So here I am... opening up a new post and see what will flow out from me. I will indeed let the Spirit lead me in this post!

Lately, I have been having too much time... sometimes, not knowing how to use it! Haha... this happens after I stop most of the church activities. I am kinda giving myself a break. A break to think about the things I have been doing for the past 3 years, ever since I joined my church. To be honest, I do not think that I am really that bad now. At least, I have more time and energy to do the things, which I would not even consider doing in the past.

Actually, I have been thinking alot lately. "Bad" is really subjective. Others "bad" may not really be bad for me! I have to come to realise that I do have to change the way I judge myself. This, in itself, is a great test for me! I will always put others views and perspective on myself. Sometimes, too much! Haha... poor man! Having to think that the world is against when in reality, the opposite is true! Haha. Guess my mind is indeed very powerful! Control MY MIND!! :)

I went for service and I have to say that I really missed the peace! Haha... It was great to be able to move away from the world and get myself refreshed and soaked in the peace. It was certainly good. Let me see... I had not attended service for 2 weeks, though I did catch it online. Hmm... the online, though it is good, cannot be compared to the live service! Haha.

Having said that, I really do not know when will I like to commit myself to a cellgroup. At this moment, I really cannot see it happening anytime soon. Who knows. When God touches, your path will indefinitely be altered! haha... Sometimes, away from where you were initiately heading! Haha. Taking a step of faith seems like a milestone to me! Haha... I am keeping my heart open however. To me, I think that there are seasons in life where I really do not have the strength or faith to even take this simple step. There are times when we will be so tired, disillusioned and afraid to take this simple step. One I would take easily in the past. People have their views on how I should make decisions for myself now... how I can get out of this "pit" and the list goes on. I will just have to move on and not be affected so much. I do, however, know that I will solely responsible for every actions that I take. Haha... May sound abit arrogant... but I'm not! :) Haha... So yeah. This is uniquely my part of the journey. I am enjoying every bit of it. This blog will be about every single bit of the journey I am going through. The highs and lows... things for me to reflect back on in due time! Praise God! :)

Blessed 24th birthday...

2005-10-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

Once again, it is the time of the year where all my wonderful friends start sending me all those sweet and encouraging messages. Haha... Once again, I had to reflect on my 23rd year of existence! I really have come a long way but man, this is like only one third of my life! :) Certainly looking forward to be a 24 years old guy! Another new year of new things and new adventures!

Really had a wonderful time last evening. I met up with the SOT 2005's friends. They are a sweet bunch of people and I am certainly blessed to know them even though I am not in SOT 2005. :) We had dinner together, chat, shared and stuff. The last time I sat down and had a meal with them was about a month ago. I really do enjoy each and every one of the friendship with them, the bonds I have formed with them! :)

They were so sweet. Each one of them, including those who could not make it, wrote something sweet on a beautifully cut black piece of card. All these well designed cards were then slotted into another beautifully designed card holder. It liken to those one verse a day gift. Haha! Oh, they got me a stylish tee and I will certainly be parading myself in it soon! :) The funny thing was that they included the price tag with the tee. The tag on the tee and the receipt from the purchase. Everything was in it! I guess they really love me! They want me to know that the gift was not free and it did cost them something! Haha.. what a way to look at things right? Haha!

Thank you people! Thank you for your encouragements, your kind words your prayers and most importantly, the seeds that you are willing to sow into my life! I guess every year is special in its own way. The way I celebrated my birthday last year was definitely different to how it was celebrated this year! Nonetheless, I enjoyed every single bit of it! Though it is my birthday today, I am still in my office, replying emails. However, all is not lost! I have applied for leave on monday... to give myself a well-deserved rest and to do some catching up with a bro of mine from church, Mr jeremiah! :) Have a great day, people!

Heart eXposed...

2005-10-08T15:24:00.000+08:00

It has been quite a while since I last poured my heart out! I have been posting quotes and stuff but have kinda stop reveal what's in my heart. To be honest, I am not sure what are in my heart right now. Haha... So let me try finding out what's in it as I run along this track of blogging. I seriously do not know where I am running to in this post, so do stick with me! :)

I know that some of my closest friends are reading this; friends who love and want to see me do well in life. I hope that this post will not disappoint them, instead, I hope that they will understand me better and embrace me in a new light! A long of things have happened in the past couple of months. I have ventured down a path I never thought I would go. A couple of months back, I had a purpose... to love God wholeheartedly. Now, the purpose is still the same! What is different is that a few months back, I was like a man trapped in a ring. Now, the sky is the only limit. Please! I am not arguing about which is right or which is the best way. Rather, I am just airing my views and, at least, these views are right for in this moment of time.

A few months back, people told me what to do and how to do it. There were a basic requirements or actions to everything, or at least, that was what I thought. In everything that I do, I did not do it for myself. Instead, I did it because I was told. I had to do this; I had to go for this... and it goes on and on. At first, things were good! I thought I was changing for the better! From one side, it seemed like I was making good progress. Everything became more colourful! However, as I was colouring one part of my life, I did not notice that the colour I was using to fill up in this part of my life, was taken from the other part of my life! The other part rotted... and ultimately, things happened and both side of this life crumbled and fell apart! Haha... This is how disillusion works too! It makes you think that stuff are good and well on this side of the pasture but you forgot that you own the other pasture too, the one you were leaving to get to this greener pasture!

I guess I am bitter at how things turned out! However, at this moment, I am not really bitter and unhappy. Rather, I am glad and I am cherishing every moment of being able to think about what I really want to do next.

I do seriously think that I have too many voices in my head. When I wanted to do something, I had to consider this and that... how people will view me; how will this turn, etc... Haha... This is so confusing and irritating! For now, I will have to go with my gut feeling! I love what Bro Sy Roger shared. About how God gives us this boundaries and if we wander too far, He will direct us back and stuff. I am just holding on to that for now! At least for now. I guess the reason why I was put in the ring is that people do not want me to wander too far and fall deep into a bad pit. Appreciate that but I guess, sometimes, I will rather fall into one and climb out of it and learn something! I guess that's so much for now!

Tomorrow is a BIG day! My birthday! I am certainly looking forward to a beautiful year ahead! I am hopeful and certainly am feeling great right now! :) Smile!

Love

2005-10-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

These great quotes are not from me... Just find that they are so inspiring. Thus copying them here, to share them with you wonderful people who is reading this blog!

Love hurts when you break up with someone.
It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you.
But love hurts the most:
When the person you love has no idea how you feel about him/her

As long as we have memories,
yesterday remains:
As long as we have hope,
Tomorrow awaits:
Have great hopes,
And dare to go all out for them:
Have great dreams,
And dare to live them:
Have great expectations,
and believe in them!

Latest Art piece

2005-09-22T18:17:00.000+08:00

Once again, finished my work early and was able to gather enough inspiration to come up with this sketch. Thank God for gifts and talents. Never would thought that something so beautiful can come out of the first stroke... This was drawn with a pen on a quarter piece of an A4 size paper.

When there is hope, there is meaning. Now my hope is not on anything but it is on God. Hoping that He will show me the light once again! Haha... Anywayz, I still know that God is good. Thank you people for rooting for me. Not sure when I will be what you want me to be again. However, you guys just take care and I will take care too... Haha... Ciaoz.

Losing hope? Read this post...

2005-09-19T22:41:00.000+08:00

Recently, I posted in a Christian Forums and shared about my struggles. My disappointments, my hurts, my dilemmas, etc. Then, there was this helpful lady who replied and shared her struggles. I don't have to say much.

HER POST:

This distance feeling sometimes comes after a spiritual high. Sometimes it seems like God hides himself. I can't biblically prove it off of the top of my head, but I know that God woos us and I think his "hiding" of himself is a time when we "woo" God; like lovers do (Song of Solomon) as God is the lover of our souls. Sometimes we neglect the relationship and that creates distance. But, sometimes this rotting feeling comes from having sin in our lives.

I recently came through a period just like what you explained. I'll share my story in hopes that it will be helpful to you or to someone else reading this. I felt the distance from God too, like I didn't want to serve anymore, like everything in church was such a drag. I didn't want to hear rebuke. I was just going through the motions and felt like my insides were rotting out. I asked for help, but strangely, no one seemed to hear me.

For me, my fustrations over my unfulfilled desires for marriage, intimacy, companionship, were drawing me away. There was unforgiveness too against God. I felt that God wasn't being fair to me, wasn't rewarding me for being faithful. I did everything that singles are told to do, work on being whole, run hard after God, etc. Yet people who didn't do any of this were getting married all around me. So, I felt cheated, resentful and lied to. Very few people really knew the depth of my disappointment with God, and those that did kind of brushed it under the rug because on the outside I looked to be successful and godly and I looked like I had it all together. Plus I think, it made them uncomfortable.

Mind you, in the midst of this struggle, I was hearing from the Lord, serving, helping people. Yet, I didn't want to hear anyone lecturing me and preaching at me. I still grate at the "wait on the Lord" speech from those who got married when they were 22. I was angry at God and started to revert to old behaviors that I thought were gone (cursing, watching ungodly shows, etc.) I did these things secretly, but they would seep out once in a while. I didn't want to strive for holiness or righteousness anymore and had a "whatever" attitude towards God.

Then, a totally hot, but unsaved man who I was extremely attracted to started making advances. When he'd smile and his eyes would twinkle, my thoughts scrambled and I would just melt. When he flirted with me outwardly I remained businesslike, but inwardly I was so flattered and tempted and I think he knew it. I was playing with fire and felt myself moving closer and closer to compromise. This was not love. I knew that long term we were incompatible. I just plain-old wanted him and I knew if I gave him the signal that I could have him. In my heart I really wanted Mr. Right, but was ready settle for Mr. Right Now to satisfy my curiousity. I was tired of waiting and walking uprightly and felt like I was just wasting my time.

In the midst of all of this, I was in the church serving in 5 different ministries. No one really knew about my struggles. I felt like every time I came to church people just wanted to use me to do something for them. I rarely got a phone call unless someone wanted something. An extra pair of hands, teaching, singing, listening to others, praying for others, offering some service. I did these things and then some because I thought this is what Christians are supposed to do. But most of those people didn't really care about me as a person or about my calling from the Lord. They just wanted to get their things done. So, I started to stay away from church, only going when I had to. My love for God continued to colder and colder until I regretted that I had ever become a Christian. But it wasn't the church that made my love grow cold, it had been happening for a long time; it had been growing out of my erroneous notion that if I did x then God would do y. I felt like God just wanted me to work, work, work, while he withheld my hearts desire for love and fulfillment from me.

So ... what happened?

First, I did what you are doing now. I started asking people to pray for me. I didn't really want to, but I asked them to do it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't trust everyone with the details, just a few mature, godly women (I didn't feel it would be wisdom to tell a man) that I knew were discreet and that truly loved me. I confessed my thoughts and desires to them. They didn't judge or lecture me. They told me what was right; simply and with love. Then they prayed for me. I'm so grateful for that. Within a week, the hot guy stopped pursuing me, although my desire for him still remained. I was so disappointed, but I made myself keep distance from him and what was blossoming, died. In fact, our paths will no longer cross as I'm moving to a new assignment. When I said goodbye to him, God was able to give me the strength to maintain my composure and distance. Right before I left, another man, an unbeliever who had really given me a hard time about my faith, commended me on my walk and character. He encouraged me to not yield to temptation and to not compromise. He didn't know anything about my situation because I've never shared anything personal with him. So it was an encouragement from the Lord. It humbled me to think of what could have happened had it not been for the prayers of those mature saints.

Next, I cut back on the busy church stuff and started focusing more on the Lord. I started doing things like taking time to appreciate the beauty of creation, and talking to the Lord in little short prayers (thank you Lord for this beautiful day). I started physically resting and putting balance in my life. I am in the process of seeking God to see which ministries he truly wants me to serve in. I started intentionally enjoying life. And I focused on reconnecting with God. I prayed that the Lord would reignite the fire for him.

I then had to deal with the issues that drew me away. Unforgiveness towards God and lust. Although I knew I was sinning inwardly, I couldn't see exactly why premarital sex, why lust was wrong. So I prayed and asked God to show me why, in practical terms. Besides it being wrong simply because God said so, He started teaching me about the consequences beyond pregnancy and STDs and about his protection and love. There is no condom for your heart, for your spirit, for your emotions. The "protection" is within the marriage relationship, one that is brought together by God. I saw that God was not withholding from me and that marriage, like singleness, is a gift not a prize for obedience. You do not earn a gift, it is simply something that is given by the giver and then at the time of his choosing. God's commandments -- to not fornicate, to forgive, etc. are there because he loves us.

I also started visiting other churches periodically and heard messages on the grace and goodness of God. I started focusing on enjoying God. At the same time, I made myself listen to the words of rebuke, even when I didn't want to. Even though no emotions were behind my words, I repented. I asked God to give me a sincere heart, a clean heart. I asked him to bring the love emotions back again.

Little by little, he started bringing revival to my heart. Today, I am focusing relationship with God. To be honest, although I attend church regularly, I really don't want to attend my church. I'm there strictly out of obedience. But the relationship with God is now different. I don't think that we can ever really go back to the first feelings with the Lord. Like marriage, I think that over time, with deeper experience, the "feelings" are a bit deeper, a bit sweeter, a bit more profound because we learn that love is not really based on feelings, if that makes sense, but on the Lord himself.

I've shared quite a bit, I do hope that some of it is relevant to you or to others; and was helpful in some way.

Take care and God bless, "

When I say... " I am a Christian"

2005-09-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

When I say... " I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Life's a journey, never a cruise...

2005-08-23T11:27:00.000+08:00

Like what the title suggests, life is definitely not a cruise. Many a times, I have always wanted things to be smooth sailing or simply put, "If I do this and that, I must be able to get this outcome." However, I do realise that having this kind of mentality can really be damaging to the heart and soul! Knowning that I have gone through the standard and necessary steps, which need to be taken, but ultimately, the kind of ending or results are not what I have expected it to be. Like what Sy Rogers had said, we like to be in control... to know that we are secure.

Like a child, I am grabbing on to my mum, not wanting to let her go, having fear of the things that might happen if I were to lose her. For me, now that I am almost 24 years old, I am no longer holding to my mum, neither my dad nor my siblings. Instead, what I am holding on right now is my comfort, my time, my career and most of all, my current happiness! Due to the fact that life is short and sometimes hard, I cannot see what is more important than having happiness; to enjoy the time you have, the company you are in, the career you are having now and to come home to a happier family. The fact that this is a "broken down" world makes life all the more scary. Nothing you do, even if it is right, may end up with the result you want. Life is unpredictable.

A friend once told me that all he wants in life is happiness. If everything is smooth sailing and if everything works according to his plans, he will be contented. After going through almost a quarter of a century, I know that if happiness is as described by him, I will be a bitter and unhappy man. Why? Becuase most of the time, things don't really work out the way I would like them to be. To make matter worse, nothing is smooth sailing.

Having said so much, I began to ask myself what I really want in life. I want happiness. Happiness is a very general thing, which everyone wants. Then I asked myself, "What kind of happiness do you want then?" I pondered and began to search through the history of my life, the times when I was really happy and free. I realised that happiness is not that all complicated. Happiness is the simple act to appreciating everything that is around you. I knew it all along that I am happy whenever I am in His presence. This is ONE and ONLY thing I am not willing to lose. Next, family is the next thing I know I need... This is another thing that I have to accept. However, apart from these two, I was ready to let everything go! However, despite its commitments, I know that I have a group of people whom I do really cherish and love in church. Then I began to ask myself another question, "Do you think that you will be able to learn so much about God if you were to leave this church?" This question really made me think. I know that it is not in the worship, praise or even the jumping style City Harvest Church adopts. Rather, it is the presence that really draws me. The thick and tangible presence of God in this church created doors for me. I have a decision to open or to let the door be closed. It is not like it is an open door, where I do not even have to make a decision.

This is not a hard decision that I have to make. At the same time, it is not an easy decision for me to make. However, it is there and then that I realised that this is what happiness is all about. Forsaking all, I trust in Him. I can be happy if I don't feel so insecure about my life, how people look at me, how much control and certainty I want in my life. I really like what Sy Rogers preached last friday. We cannot know how the ocean is like but we can certainly know a few facts about it. It is salty and wet. Similarly, I can't really grasp what God is trying to do in my life; why He is letting me go through all these; why did He make me the way I am... but I do know that He is love and He is good. He will take responsibilities. I do not want to be a self-made Superman who will always undertake any given responsibilities. Rather, I want to be like Spiderman in Spiderman 2, doing all that he can within his means.

Love, this is a powerful word. I guess we are all created to love. We love our lives, our career, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our spouse... etc. Ultimately, I believe that we are all searching for this one true love. Alot of times, when I read the following verse, I will think of why do I need to do all these... How can I be so perfect...

1 Cor 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
(from New International Version)

How can I be what the verses want me to be? There will always be this human side of me. Everytime when I look at it, it stirs me up and at the same time, it discouraged me... talk about the Word being a double-edged sword. However, during cellgroup last week, my first in a month plus of absence, God told me that He wanted me to see it in another perspective... He wanted me know that He was not asking me to be all those but He wants me know that He is all those! He reminded me of the following verse:

1 John 4:16

16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
(from New International Version)

Therefore, I began to put God in the following verse... and faith began to arise within me.

1 Cor 13:4-8 (What God wants me to see)

4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud.
5 God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.
6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 God never fails.
(from New International Version)

F.A.I.T.H... Not as easy as it seems!

2005-08-13T13:30:00.000+08:00

"Forsaking All, I trust in Him," the phrase, which I have used for this blog as its title, is not an easy one to behold. Apparently, in short, this phrase makes out to be FAITH! Faith... as simple as it may seem, is something, which I find it hard to grab on to.

Forsaking all, being selfless... putting others before self, letting go of all the past experiences, letting God be my Deliverer... etc. These are the basics of Christianity... the foundation of our spiritual journey with God. Wrong? Yeah... so I guess I am going through my foundations, looking for the cracks, little holes where my faith seems to be seeping out from...

Took a plunge, a step of faith yesterday. During service, I was making decisions during the whole worship session. Should I get myself back into CG, etc. Do I really have the strength or faith to go through with the decision if I were to choose to get myself committed once again. Thoughts flew in and out. Encouraging and inspiring thought rushed into me. I was full of hope and the future started to brighten up. I made the decision. I decided to talk to my CGL and asked him if I can visit thursday CG, so that my weekends will be more freed up, etc.

However, after everything was said and settled, even committing myself to visit my choir IC's CG, fear started to rush in. Faith began to crumble. Everything seem to be impossible once again. I was so scared. I was really unsure if I can actually go through with the decision that I have made. However, after reading a chapter of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life book, which I have been doing lately, I decided to give this a shot, not to trust in my emotions, fears, etc but to really go through with it, trusting that God will pull me through. I really do not know how it will end up. But one thing for sure, it will be a ride... Having gotten out of the ride once, I am getting back into it again... I do really wish that as I put forward feet, God will help me drag the other leg and direct my paths.

Anyway, I will be visting another church, which my grandpa is attending with my siblings this weekend. I am glad that my siblings are willing to go to church. I do really hope that this weekend will be a blast into our brighter future. As of now, as I am still warring with my mind, having second thoughts about the decisions that I have made, I can only hope and pray. I know that if I make a move, a decision, He will certainly aid me in ways I never thought He would.

2 Tim 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

cuTey Toonz

2005-08-07T19:04:00.000+08:00

The way you present a message actually does matter! Just look at these! Gentle, inspiring and they simply make you re-assess yourself!

What a BeAuTiFul Day! =)

2005-07-30T12:20:00.000+08:00

The dark clouds are floating away, revealing a beautiful and majestic sun... that brings light into this small world of mine! I must really say how blessed I am to be able sit here, listening to Corrine May's songs... I am really just letting this beautiful moment gets into my soul, enjoying every seconds of it...

"I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe"

Woke up early this morning, at around 9:30am just to pack my room and to vaccum the floor, basically, helping out in the household chores... which I have been trying to run away from for the past few years... haha... Not that I am loving it now, but it is just the joy of being able to be a blessing in this family of mine that made me want to love it. Slow steps was what Sister Sandy said. This is one of the slow steps, which I believe I am taking, not wanting to overwhelm myself with stress and stuffs. I did sweat alot during the course of vaccuming the whole house and that I really enjoyed! Haha... Had an hour of workout by vaccuming plus a happier mother at the end of this service that I had done! =) It certainly feels great to be able to take on small steps towards loving my family. As you can see, I am all smiles and I do love this wonderful day... I am certainly looking forward to every minutes of the remaining day.

I was surprised that I was able to wake up at 9:30am, considering I had a long chat with Sister Sandy all the way until the wee hours of the night.... reached home at around 1am... and after finishing my shower and stuff, it was already 1:30am. Oh... I did not sleep immediately though... entertained myself for another 45 mins before deciding that I needed to end the day!

The chat with Sister Sandy was ReFreshing! She really touched my spirit and heart... causing me to break down from the inside out. Really never wanted her to know about the state that I am in... for fear of disappointing her. It is like you never want to let your loved ones know that you are struggling even though you know that they will care. She was one of the few whom I really love and and cherish in church. Sister Sandy was very funny throughout the chat that we had! Haha... I could really feel that she was trying to be careful with the words that she was using, always seeking to let her love touch me instead of the message that she was trying to convey. One thing that she said, which really touched me was this, "Please do not think that I am here to challenge or to push you; the reason I am here is that I want to make a commitment with you, not wanting you to make silly decisions." My whole spirit just exploded when the love behind that word entered my being. She is simply great!!

When I first came to church, I never thought that I am going to have such a beautiful relationship with one of the KEY person in church. She was like so far away, like an idol whom you will be happy just to be in the same sanctuary as she is in, let alone the thought of having a friendship with her. We do have a leader to member relationship, yet on top of that, there is the trust in this relationship like those will have between two close friends. I cannot empasis how much I cherish this relationship. As I was sharing with her about this relationship that I have with her, it made me realise that God was once far-fetched, never thought that He will come down to my level, to know me personally... to commune and to embrace me, but I was wrong. =) Just like God, Sister Sandy showed me this kind of unconditional love. She loved me for who I am, no matter how imperfect I am, she is willing to love me just as much. God is indeed love and like what Pst Mike shared, your loving actions will flow out of the love that's within you. We had a great time. She opened herself up to me too, by sharing some of the more personal stuff about her with me. I have to say that am honored to have her shared so much with. She didn't have to but she chose to!

Burdens started to lift up, faith started to arise... At last, this grim task of wanting to be a blessing in the family started to surface from the blurry water that it was in previously. Throughout the course of the conversation, I come to the realisation that I was actually my greatest enemy. I was always the one condemning myself, the one who told me how bad it was. I became the devil's advocate. In fact, I became one of his best, the secret weapon to destroying my soul. How difficult one can get things into perspective when you, yourself is coming to you with all the "truths" that apparently made sense. However, in this case, the "truths" made me worse and caused me to fall back further in the dark, cold shadows; made embracing the truths a daunting task!

Praise God for Sister Sandy. Thank God for being my God, always waiting patiently for this prodigal son's return. I have now more faith... knowing that I really can walk out of this tunnel. Though I hate this tunnel that embraces darkness, I cannot deny that it made my life more interesting and colourful. Life is full of ups and downs and yes, the ups colour your life but it is the downs that made the colours, the ups brought, even more constrasting and brighter! I am walking down this road of recovery as Sister Sandy would describe it and yes, I am definitely looking forward to a new me. One that loves me even more and one that really do know my position in Christ, His love for me, His preparation that He has done for me in my life! Glory to God. The upcoming weeks will surely be intense as the devil knows that I have picked up my feet to start walking again. I do really pray that I will have the courage to approach the friends that I have to help me through these trying times. Thank God! Hallelujah!

The Story of Job... Damian's translation =)

2005-07-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

I managed to finish my work early today and felt a stirring inside of me. It wanted me to draw something. I was sitting by my desk, wondering and waiting for an inspiration on what exactly to draw... Suddenly, a thought flashed onto the screen in my mind... I can sketch something about Job since I am reading the Book of Job right now and like him, I am facing a crisis in my life... Not really a crisis... just at a crossroad of my life... waiting to make a decision on whether to turn to the left or to the right... :) Anyway, more about me later... enjoy the picture! :)

Words from Job... and a "short" update on ME

2005-07-19T17:52:00.000+08:00

In the midst of reading the Book of Job. Here are some verses that I really like:

Job 6:25-27

How forceful are right words!
But what does your arguing prove?
Do you intend to rebuke my words,
And the speeches of a desperate one,
which are as wind?
Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless,
And you undermine your friend.

Job 5:17-18

Behold, happy is the man
whom God corrects;
Therefore do not despise the
chastening of the Almighty.
For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole

To be honest, not really feeling great right now... Feeling lost... but the more people "encourage" or should I say challenge, the more I feel like going the other direction... However, I must say that I am thankful that I have these bunch of friends... they are great people. It is just that I am going through some personal struggles... which I do not wish to elaborate.

I cannot say that I like the way I am now... However, I do not despise the state that I am in right now! Seriously... not that I am enjoying... it is just that it makes everything so real! Christianity is not really about church... it is about family, church, relationships and most importantly, GOD!

How wrong was I to think that church is my refuge. It certainly is, to a certain extent! However, I abused church and God, used it to escape from my unhappiness, my hurts and whatever that I think I cannot love!

Waging war with myself now... not exactly myself... just the other side of me... my flesh. When you are in darkness, you will not think that it is the devil... but rather, everything that happens, you will think that it is YOU and YOU alone! Haha... I really cannot deny the clever tactics of the devil. I tripped me... it bruised me and of course, it cause me to fail... However, one thing for sure... he has got to do infinite times much more than that to make me quit!

At the current moment, I am not sure if this is the CHURCH way... but I do really need time alone... time to know myself... time to learn... time to get back up from my fall... time to climb out from my hole... etc... which some of you may think are excuses. To me... that's what I really need now... TIME! I do not wish to shun away from people I love in church... and I will try hard not to do that!

Everyday, I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile with no pretense. That is so precious... and it is certainly hard to wear a smile that does not belong to you... haha... But in all these, I am still hopeful and I am still thanking God.. every single day... How ironic can this be right? hahahaha... trying to find the good in all these bad! :) The other thing I can do beside wallowing in my own misery is to find the little bits and pieces of love around me... waiting in faith that the mighty hand of God will be tangibly upon me soon.

Dear all the friends who love and care for me... I am doing great at work! In fact, I am enjoying every single bit of it. :) If you wanna pray for me, pray that I will have wisdom change the things I can change, including changing myself, and to have the strength and patience to accept the things that I cannot change. A part of me love the me now and the other says that I have to be stronger than now, to be able to shine in my own family, as well as my spiritual family. Of course I know that I should go after the latter and that is why I am battling with myself.

I simply love to blog... never feel more relieved and peaceful... It just simply allows you to pour your soul and there is something true in the saying, "If you keep everything to yourself, it is bad for your health." I find that blogging gives me something that is lacking in human communication, that is if I were to pour my heart out to a human. Blogging is slow to speak and quick to listen... Never hasty on suggestions... always here to let me give my inputs... no matter how sometimes I get too emotional, it is still there... unless of course there is a power failure! Haha. :) Oh... blogging is great... but talking to God is much much more better! Haha... haha... not trying to undermine God in any ways! :) He is the reason why I am going through... because I want to love Him more, to honor Him more... the reason why I am still in and not out! :)

So much for the "short" update on ME. Don't be shock... don't even think you know what I am going through... :) let alone the comments or "encouragements." If you must comment, let it be out of your heart. :) oops... am I a little offensive? Hehe... Nah... I love you guys... =) just look at the number of smileys I put in this whole post, you can guess that I am not intending to be crude or offensive. :) Haha... so long friends... and see ya again, Blog!

A few Quotes to Remember

2005-06-29T22:04:00.000+08:00

Today is the third time I am watching this touching and heart-warming movie, "A Walk to Remember" in the week. I must admit that it will always move me to tears... no matter how many times I have seen it... It is so good that this has kind of been an alternative medicine for my soul... when all things fail... when I am downcast or sad... I will indulge myself into this story... And whenever I do that... love becomes so tangible and real...

Some unforgettable scenes -

Landon reading off a book of quotes that Jamie gave to him when she was in the hospital:

"Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence, it is not resentful."

Jamie speaking to Landon after he read the quote above:

"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself..."

"... like this journey never ends"

"...like you're sent to me because I am sick, to help me through all these...."

(short pause, Jamie feeling Landon's hand that is on her face)

"... You're my angel!"

(Landon leaned forward to kiss Jamie)

Landon's thoughts as he was walking down a bridge, reminscing on what Jamie had done for him:

"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything... about life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But her love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."

One of the scenes that made me wept like a baby was when Landon, after knowing that his dad had paid for private home care for Jamie, went to look for his dad. He knocked... waiting for his dad to open the door. He has always hated his dad for leaving his family.

Then his dad opened the door... seeing Landon standing there, with his eyes welling up with tears. His dad moved forward and opened up his arms to hug him. Landon broke down the moment his dad embraced him in his arms.

This is love at its purest... from both parties. His dad helped Jamie, Landon's girlfriend, even when Landon was mean towards him... angry at him for leaving his mum and him. Landon, despite his hatred for his dad, thanked him from the bottom of his heart and he even broke down in front of him. This is love... this movie is filled with love, peace and joy, even when Jamie had to die.

I am searching for this pure love and I know that for me to have this kind of pure love, I have to act in the same way... It is movie like this that really touches and rekindled the pure love that is inside one's heart. How this love is so different from the love we experience daily in our love. Ah.... it is just so refreshing to my soul, even when I am just relating and writing this to you....

Only Faith?

2005-06-22T22:27:00.000+08:00

I finished reading Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown yesterday and though it was a compelling book, which made me turn from one page to the next like a nicotine addict, I felt that it is one twisted book... with apparently one intention... that is to distort one's view on the Church. I am not really talking about the Catholic Church or any particular denominations but the Church in a whole. It really worries me when non-believers or those who do not check on the "truths" pick the book off the shelf and read it. In fact, a lot of people actually believe in what the book says even though it is known as a FICTION! How ironic! The Bible is not labelled as a FICTION but those who accept the Da Vinci Code cannot seem to accept the real truths that are in the Bible.

Dan Brown proclaimed on his website that he is a Christian but I really have doubts. A Christian should be one who glorifies Jesus and not bring controversies upon Him. In this book, he is selling the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdelene! On top of that, he made the Church look like a organisation that is so blinded that she has to lie, kill and destroy just to hold on to her belief and traditions. Anyway, he may have his views and I respect that. In any case, all is not lost! People may get curious as to if all that were said in the book are true. They may want to dig... searching for the proof on the views. However, I pray that in doing so, they will be brought before the Light, the real Truth. You never know! All things will work out well for those who love Him. I love Him and I pray that many people, in one way or another, will be led to the light!

While I was reading the book, a few things struck me. I realised that our mind is so powerful. We can really make something, which is false into something real. Everyone actions and thoughts can be justified by our minds if we really want to! It also made me realised another powerful truth! I can now say that Christianity is not totally based on FAITH! That's right... you heard me right! Faith is not really all there is in Christinity!

I was thinking one night, after reading that book. Is faith the only thing that made us believe that there is a God and that God is Jesus... Muslims have faith too! Buddists have faith but what differentiate mine with theirs?!?! There is only ONE thing! That thing, just like faith, cannot be bought, neither can it be shared just by a word of mouth! The other power ingredient that really bring us close to our God and allow us to trust in Him eventhough He is invisible is our ENCOUNTER(S)!

These encounters, especially the one that I have shared here in the past, really made me held onto Him during my darkest moments! I do not believe that before tasting a well cooked chicken, you can CONFIDENTLY say that it taste great! Why would someone first give up his/her life to Jesus if they cannot feel His tangible presence. Therefore, this feeling of His tangible presence is an ENCOUNTER too! That is why, no matter how people try to talk me out of my belief, or should I say relationship with Jesus, I will not budge! He is too real to be fake! How can I after touching my hand say that my hand is not there? It will such an irony!

Dear friends, I do really hope that you will hold on the encounter(s) you had with Jesus closely to your heart! When the times get tough, it will be your faith and these encounter(s) that will really keep you together! It is there and then that you know that He is too real for you to forsake or give up! You will never think that you are alone even if your mind tells you otherwise!

A short story.....

I was lost in a case... hungry and cold! I felt so lonely. Darkness encompassed me wherever I went... it just seemed like I am going to be swallowed by it if I do try to do something about it soon. I had no one to turn to. I was alone... with no guiding post, no light, no friends... NOTHING! What could I do.

Suddenly, something touched my hand. A voice followed. 'Son, hold on to me and I will lead you out of this cave.' I was shocked! Have I encountered a ghost? What can that be? However, I did not feel scare or uneasy. Instead, a rush of love and peace came upon my heart. I sensed that the 'thing' is not hostile. He/It was really trying to help me. I called out. 'Who are you? Why are you helping me?'

Silence crept in. Suddenly, a soothing, gentle familiar voice answered, 'I created you and you walked yourself straight into darkness.'

The voice cracked. He continued, 'I was searching for you and now, I have found you! I really love you! Will you let me help you get out from this darkness'

My heart melted... Someone in this world actually loved me to the extent that He is willling to come into my darkness to look for me! I was hesitant at first. However, due to the overwhelming love and peace, I decided to reach out for His hand. To my surprise, I felt His hands on mine the moment I started to reach out! We walked... I did not know Him. I have heard His voice, felt His hand. That's all! We continued walking. Darkness was still around. However, I knew that He is harmless and I continued to put my trust on Him. I had faith that He would indeed lead me out!

Twenty minutes passed... When things was getting no better and when my strength to hold on to His hand started to fade, He squeezed into my hands and gripped it even tighter. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt a sharp pain in my eyes... Gently, I lifted my head... THERE IT WAS... a light at the end of the tunnel! He was not lying! He is really leading me out of this darkness!

Now... three years after my incident in the cave, He is still by my guide. Everytime when He asked me to take His hand, I will obediently put mine on His and follow His leading. I will never forget the encounter I had with Him in the cave. It was there that I had the first and most beautiful encounter of His presence, no else or nothing in this world could give! My encounter made me know that He really love me and He is not a imagination! He is REAL. He led me out! He guided me; He helped me and held on to me tightly when I was weak!

Ps 119:173-176
"Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
I long for Your salvation,
O LORD,And Your law is my delight.
Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,
For I do not forget Your commandments."

SHOCKED!

2005-06-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

I just found out that my brother has not been attending church for the past few weeks... It really saddened me when I first heard from him about it... I really pray that I can be a light in my family... My dream will be to be able to impact and touch each and everyone of them... It will be an uphill task but I am sure that I can do it! Revival of DREAM!

It can be so easy for to fall away... even after we have ate of the good fruit! I really pray that God will preserve my spirit and my fire! I can really sense His heart beating in me... His love for me... His tears when I let Him down and His call when I am far... I do not want to harden myself to the state where I cannot love Him anymore.... I want to LOVE HIM FOREVER... Beloved LORD, please keep me in Your ARMS...

Something from my heart, written with my head:

The One I love is You.
For when I was still lost,
You chose to love me.
And when I was rotting,
You cleanse and watered me.

Then I came to You...
The day you touched my heart,
My spirit was birthed,
With new fire, burning hot,
A passion, that is hard to stop!

A new journey, which then I embarked.
One that is filled with mysteries...
that my mind cannot fathom or understand...
One that is full of battles...
with losses and victories...
Then joy may fizzle away;
a smile that turned upside down,

But then a love,
A wondrous love from an invisible force
started to fill me; it started to invade my heart...
It became so real that I cried.
I am so touched and I began to thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me a heart,
one that can sense this love!

A love that encourages me when I am defeated;
A love that revives me when I thought I am dead;
A love that consoles me when my days became nights;
A love that empowers me when battles became overwhelming;
A love so strong, a love so selfless, a love so sweet,
One that I cannot reject...

It just kept coming, rushing into me...
My spirit, my heart... my soul...
MY TOTAL BEING...
I am just an empty shell without it...
It is more important that the blood that is running in me...
Nothing else can fuel my passion to live apart from it...
I love this LOVE,
A LOVE from the most selfless person on this EARTH!
He saved me, He pull me out...

PLEASE HOLD ON TO ME;
POUR MORE OF YOUR LOVE INTO ME;
TOUCH ME AND EMBRACE ME...
I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS ALWAYS!
I LOVE YOU, MY LORD, MY ALL!

I'M BACK!

2005-06-17T23:52:00.000+08:00

Just got back from youth camp... WOW! Really had a tremendous time! Hearts were touched... people cried! NOW, Legs areaching, brain is melting down... therefore, I shall share more within the next few day. At this current moment, I am going to indulge in a good hot bath and a beautiful adventure in my mystical dreamland! ZzzZZzz......

Back to School... :)

2005-06-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

Wow... I have to admit that I am very blessed to see so many people pouring their affection, care and concern over me for the past week or so! The road was indeed long and bumpy... but I have to thank God that I am still here... praising His name; confessing on His goodness. Friends at work, friends from church and even Jesus and the Holy Spirit... came and stood in the gaps for me during this bumpy period in life. Life is always challenging, never disheartening because of the encouraging and helping hands around me! Once again, THANK YOU. To those whom I don't even know or those whom I cannot figure out from their nicks, I thank you for your encouragement!

I just got back from a meeting! A wonderful meeting for a wonderful event! I am going away for two days... for A GOOD CAUSE! I will be helping out in CHCSA's youth camp, which will be from thursday to friday. It used to be 3 days but due the sheer voume of activities during this past few months and weeks, it will be 2 instead this round. I can still remember the last camp that I went for. I was given a honor... to be a leader of a group. I have to say that I was tremendously blessed... to see how the youth there were impacted... how touched they were! It was simply AWESOME! I thought I was there to bless... but I never thought that the blessings that I got from the camp can be far greater than the amount of blessings which I had given out. God is scary in a good sense! Hahaha... always overflowing, even in experiences and emotions!

I believe that this upcoming 2 days youth camp, which will be held in a secondary school, is going to be another resounding success! Once again, it a gruelling time- late night, bone-breaking activities (Due to the fact that I have not be exercising regularly), first time interactions, etc- but I know that God is going to be so real in these 2 days! I just cannot wait to get into the middle of all these fun! To be honest, I am REALLY tired now... have to wake up at 530am tomorrow morning because we have to reach Bedok at 7am! I have not pack, bath, etc... I just so excited with the fact that I can work with a great team of people again, Bro Mingjin, Sis Daryl, etc. This is my fourth youth camp! I have to admit that from the first youth camp up till the last one, it has been from GLORY to GLORY! I really cannot imagine the wonderful time I am going to have in a few hours time! We will be having around a 100 campers, highest ever compared to the previous few camps that averages around 20-30 youths, this time round and I pray that everyone of them will turn up. The whole event will end late on friday, thus I will be missing my first friday service in a long while... haha... going to be out of my comfort zone this weekend!

Going to prepare and bath now! God bless and continue to pray for strength to be upon me. God can indeed use the weak... He used and is going to use me tomorrow to touch the lifes of the students!! God bless!

Ps 47:6
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!"

Blog, blog, blog...

2005-06-04T23:17:00.000+08:00

Wow... I am glad that I have friends who actually check out my blog... to see how I am doing in my life... Haha... It is encouraging to see that... Knowing that I am indeed not alone on my journey called life.

Just thought of something... I recalled reading a book that has the following title, "Tuesday with Morrie". This gave me an inspiration to start something... something which will goes like that... "Everyday with God." I really wonder if I will be disciplined to actually update this project of mine as often as I can... I know that if I were to embark on this project... the encouragements which God gave me will be reflected on deeply before posting it online. This will indeed be one good way of keeping tabs on the lessons which God is trying to teach me... and maybe one day... haha... yeah... one faithful day, just like Pst Phil Pringle's "Leadership Files," it will be published into a book... haha... and just like Mitch Albom, I will be New York Times bestselling author! Haha...

Yeah... just came back from CG... was really tired... still roughing it out in the valley... trying to bring myself together! Just like I was sharing yesterday... I really felt the endless plunge into eternal darkness last night... but after opening up here... I felt so much better... like a heavy burden been lifted up from my shoulders... though things are still not perfect, I felt that Someone was actually reaching out to me... trying to grab me... to save me from this plunge!

I really do look forward to the day when I will share about my victory from this struggle which I am facing now, struggling to get myself back on the road God has built for me... It is too narrow to the point that I actually fell from it... into this valley which I am in now! haha... I don't blame Him, my God... He just wants to perfect me... to train me into a person who can balance and walk on this NARROW road which will He has intended me to be on.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate darkness... I hate the state which I am in right now!! This thorn... which is in my flesh... poking in areas which I wanna hide... digging in the parts of my life which I thought I have thrown away... argh....

2Cor 12:9
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

TIRED...

2005-06-04T01:15:00.000+08:00

I am so tired... drained... lost... ZzzzZz..... new phase in life which I need to adapt... to conquer... to rule over! So many things are piling up... hmm... maybe not... but it seems like it! Haha... I am just not used to having so little time to myself... hmm... I really need a release man! Blogging is one way... yeah... I can SHOUT here... without bringing myself into any troubles... Haha... ARGH!!! Now is a time of testing... a test of my loyalty... whether I am for God or not... so many committments... so little time... no time for myself... no time for my own entertainment... yeah... as you can see... it is about ME, ME, ME and ME! Haha... I know that this is just a passing phase (Hopefully!) I feel so PACKED UP, SQUEEZED UP, BLOWING UP soon...

However, I will PRAISE... I will REJOICE... although I don't feel like it! So this is how it feels like... SACRIFICE OF PRAISE! ARGH!!! Trying to be happy when I am not... trying to shout praised even when I don't feel like it...

I feel like I am sliding down from a cliff... falling at a rate where I myself cannot find anything to grab onto... no branch or anything for me to pull myself up... to stop myself from this plunge! HOPELESS... HELPLESS... too tired to try... instead of trying, I may just as well "enjoy" this free fall... when I am weak... there may be a supernatural empowerment... which I am really looking forward too... I will not lose the hope that a supernatural intervention is on its way... when I am weak, indeed, I WILL be strong...

Psalms 23:4
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. "

First day doing the REAL stuff!

2005-05-04T00:37:00.000+08:00

I have just went to the next phase in my work! I have finished my one week of training and I have gone on to do the real thing today! I am now handling REAL problems from REAL people... customers from the AMERICAS... :) wow... and I have to say that some of the techincal questions they send in are really hilarious! "Please help me as my dog has broke my installation CD!" Haha... Jokes aside... It can be quite stressful a quota which we have to meet. For the first 2 weeks, we have to complete 40 emails and 2 weeks later, 60. Eventually, it will climb to a whopping 80 emails! I think that it is a real mountain for me to climb over now because I tried and only managed 23 emails for the whole of today!

I really want to thank God once again! The people there are friendly and helpful! Thank God! Not to mention two of my leaders... they are simply superb, guiding me with patience and explaining the work to me with love! Haha... Guess what... I do not have a table yet because I am supposed to take over a guy who is leaving in the middle of this month. However, because of this, I got to sit on table which belongs to a CITY HARVESTER! The world is so SMALL! Haha... He is on leave for the whole of this week, so I got a chance to be on his desk... to rub some of the emailing anointing from his desk! Haha... I am really excited because I am eager to see who this guy is... my brother-in-Christ, my churchmate... my COLLEAGUE!

Stay tune for more updates! :) Cheers... once again... God was good the last week... Revelations upon revelations!! Woohoo!! So excited! Hehe.. :)

First MP3 Gadget!

2005-05-01T04:24:00.000+08:00

I am so excited as I am a proud owner of a Creative Zen Micro MP3 Player! This is made possible with my admission in Creative as one of their employees! I got to enjoy a good discount on this particular MP3 player! Haha... and this player has kept me up until now! I was busy copy all the music and sermons into this small and powerful player of mine! Haha... I am really looking forward to a time of enjoyment even on the most boring bus ride! Haha... I have always wanted to listen to a sermon on a bus or even train ride when it can take up to 1 hour to reach my destination! Really want to thank God for bringing me into Creative to be able to enjoy its benefits and welfare, this purchase being one of it!
Woohoo... One more thing! I just checked my bank account! I was shocked to learn that Creative has actually credited my first week pay into my account... I thought I will be getting this last week of the month of April's pay together with my May salary... but once again, God, being the awesome Guy that He is, has came true for me knowing that I needed the money. :) I love Him so, so MUCH! Oh... I have tithed! More will be coming! Haha...

First Week in Creative...

2005-04-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

For the past few days in Creative, I have been going through some trainings on all the Creative products... I have to say that it was rather tiring... Haha... But on the bright side, I have learnt alot about the products that Creative offers. On top of that, I have learnt alot of other useful information like how a speaker or even a sound card works! Wow... a real learning experience! After my fourth day at work, not really work though, I can really feel that the working atmosphere is rather good. I will have to gauge it again next week when I actually start doing the REAL thing!

Haha... however, so far so good... The trainer is one friendly guy... :) Oh... did i mention that I got the chance to test and play all cool gadgets in Creative? Haha... Well, now I am telling you that I actually put my hands on a Creative Portable Media Centre, Audigy 4 Pro and even a I-Trigue 5.1 speaker system! Haha... Cool man... :) Anyway, going to sleep now! I have not slept at 11 plus for a long, long time! Body is really feeling the tow... Please don't misunderstand... I did not work until late in the night... rather, I got to knock off ON the DOT, 6PM! Haha... The fatigue was due to the after work activities... haha... yeah... So I am signing off right now... Good night and SWEET DREAMS everyone... God has shared a few revelations lately and I will certainly wish that I will have the time to share them with you guys in the next post! :) CIAOZ!

First day of Work @ Creative Technologies

2005-04-26T00:33:00.000+08:00

"Wow!"... That was the first word that went into my mind when the presenter was going through the slides on staff benefits and facilities! Man... Creative is one company that really knows how to treat and reward its staff! They have a corporate membership with Chevrons (which is just opposite International Business Park) which includes free usage of the gym and swimming pool facilities! Woohoo... GYM! Man... I was waiting for this word throughout the entire presentation! Haha...On top of that, they have other facilities within Creative itself... library, well equipped pantry, vendor machines which only have 10 cents drinks... and many more... Wow... haha... oh... did I mention that we have free admission to Sentosa? Haha... yeah... Isn't it great? Haha... wow... hehe... :)

The whole organisation is really structured like the SAF! Yeah... However, they do not have snobbish Majors and Warrant Officers! Haha... and most importantly, they do have extra duties for us to perform! They have a local intranet with useful information for us, the staff, to get hold of! And yes! They have staff discount too!!! Haha... What can I say? God is really good! It has been a dream come true for me at this point of my life! I have always wanted to be in a BIG company! God gave me a BIG company and on top of that... He gave me one that is organised and well-structured! :) Cool eh?! During my first day in Creative, I can really feel a warmth in the atmosphere... Everyone is so friendly and helpful there! That is at least for now! Haha... I believe that in every BIG organisations, there are bound to be people whom are hard to work with! BUT I believe that God's grace with me! He will certainly strengthen me during my time in Creative! I really do hope to stay here and advance here in Creative for now but I do not know what God has planned for me! I will go wherever He leads... :)

Just wanna thank everyone who has prayed for me! Your prayers really made a different! Everything went well for me in the first day... :) I will certainly share more in my upcoming entries! I am currently having my training! That will last for at least a week and thereafter, I will have a desk and the real thing will BEGIN! Haha... continue to keep me in your prayers! Oh! One more thing... Creative is so near to MY PLACE!! WOW!! I do not have to wake up THAT EARLY just to get to work! Moreover, when I reach home, I can still admire the sun through my room's window! Haha... PRAISE GOD!!! Muacks! Thank you JESUS!

Awesome Week

2005-04-15T16:44:00.000+08:00

First and foremost, my grandma is looking so much better now... Although she still experiences some pains here and there, she is so much better compared to the past week! :) Thank you people for your prayers... Indeed, without your prayers, I do not really think it will be so smooth for her. By the way, things do go in circles... :) Now, I am like a "granny" to my granny! I am taking care of her like a kid, like how she took care of me when I was younger! Everything that goes around, comes around... :) An everyday illustration of "Sowing and Reaping!"

Secondly, I really wanna thank God for His providence. I wanted so much to go into Creative (A Big Company!) . I wanna experience how it is like to work there... I went for an interview two weeks back and I have been waiting for their reply. Guess what? Delay is not denial... and God is a God who knows what is best for me! I got the job that I interviewed for and most interesting of all is that I was offered a basic wage that is higher than my expected. Please note that I do not really have any working experience yet... not taking into consideration the one and half month stint in a Reseller. :) God is SO good to be just a mere imagination from a human mind! :) I will be starting work on the 25th of April and please continue to pray that favor of man will be upon me. Pray also that wisdom and the spirit of excellence will be in me! I will be the shining lamp in the dark!

Last but not least, I wanna thank God for bringing people into my life! :0 I got to know some students who are in SOT 2005 and I have to say that I am really blessed to have them as friends, not acquaintances. They are indeed a blessing from God... especially two taiwanese ladies (Liling and Hsiu Hua) who stay near my block. I do really think that I "ren yuan" with taiwanese. I also got to know a beautiful lady with a fascinating name... DOW DOW! Literally means pimples, beans... etc. Haha! She is very cute la.... very humourous too! Oh... not forgetting the others like from Malaysia, Mit and Abel; from Hong Kong, Paul and oh yes... ONE and ONLY, from Finland, David! Haha... I still remembered that I ask God specifically to give me a "WHITE" friend. Haha... I have all kinds of friend, except a "WHITE" one... :) I really thank God that we hitted off so well... I can confidently say that I am closer than some of SOT mates... hehe... thank God once again for the favour... I asked and I received... :) I prayed and He answered...

One more thing I like to share... :) While I was having my evening jog last evening, God told me that it takes FAITH to commit myself in a relationship. No matter how many times I failed in the past... failing miserably in trying to win a girl's heart... heart breaking end in a relationship, God told me that it is like a mistake I make in my everyday life... A mistake is a mistake... and it was well put by Pst Art... "Failure is a an event, not a DESTINY!" To be honest, I do have phobias in wooing girls... especially those from church... partly, it was because of my past mistakes... like a wrong move in a game of chess. However, after last night, I will not let my past hinder my wonderful future that the Lord has for me. Indeed, faith is the ONLY key to a beautiful future.... :) I will not let my past dictate my future... I will press on, even if it means that I will make more mistakes. However, in the area of relationship, I truly believe in accountability. Even when you say that you have faith to go ahead in a relationship, never forget that on top of faith, spiritual covering and blessing from the leaders are equally important... Do seek advices from them too... :) I pray that as you embark on your journey to find your second love, first love being Jesus, you will have wisdom and that there will be no selfishness in your acts. :0 God bless!!!!

Beloved Grandma

2005-04-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

Please pray for my grandma. She is suffering from liver cancer and it is already in advance stage. Doctors said that she only has a few days left. I really do not hope for much. I really just want her to pass on peacefully with minimal pain. Your prayers will be very much appreciated.

It is really different when you see someone close to you suffer. I just went to visit her today. I wept the moment I see her face cringed in pain. I just could not control. This is the first time I have someone dear to me suffering so badly. I have friends who were sick and even one who died but it was not as sad as seeing her, my grandma, suffer. It was really a painful sight.

I know that my Saviour is with her. Although she is a Roman Catholic, she believes that Jesus is Lord and I am thankful for that. Praise God! :) Now, I can only pray and ask God to relieve her pain and to thank God for preparing a place for her in Heaven!

Once again, I just want to thank you guys for remembering her in your prayers! God bless and remember to love your loved ones NOW! Do not wait until she is dying before showing them your tears. Tears are precious... and they are PRECIOUS enough have those tears! Tear when they tell you how much they love you... tear when you receive something from her. :) By the way, tears does not have to be the real tear! It can be just a sincere "Thank you!"

Sweet sweet revelations

2005-02-25T15:42:00.000+08:00

When Moses was called by God to lead God's people out of Egypt, Moses was doubtful. He was not sure if he was able to persuade and command the people. Imagine trying to teach and bring up a child. How easy is that? The child will cry, rebel, commit the same mistakes again and again, and worst still, not appreciating everything that you are doing for him. Therefore, I do not blame Moses for having doubts when he was called by God to lead and command THOUSANDS of people; not just ONE small child but MANY BIG BABIES!

God, who is omniscient, knew about Moses' doubt and fears, encouraged and affirmed Moses that He, who is omnipotent, would be there for him, to guide him and to teach him as he leads His people out of Egypt. Wow! Isn't God great? God did not throw work onto Moses but He asked Moses for his hand. God wanted to work WITH Moses, so that Moses could walk intimately with God that he too, could grow stronger in wisdom and knowledge WITH God and not independent of Him. God promised Moses that He will be with his mouth and teach him what he should say (Ex. 4:12). Wow!!! Isn't that just wonderful?

Many of us, including myself, have difficulties or even no confidence that we will speak eloquently to a small group, let alone a multitude of people. But nowadays, I will tell myself that God will do what He did for Moses; God will teach my mouth how to speak and when to speak; He will circumcise my tongue, disciplining the part of my body where life and death resists in.

Having said so much for the introduction, what I really want to share is the God arranged appointment I had with my uncle when he, my uncle, asked me to go over to his house to help him fix up some problems in his computer. I have always dreaded going over to his place as he will line me up against the stained wall, like a P.OW., take out the bulky and rusty machine gun which he has carried with him for years, one that does not shoot out bullets but spiritual vulgarities. Please don't get me wrong, the vulgarities here are not the ones you hear of everyday; they are just words from the Bible which are being used without proper understanding of the whole context or with the purpose of challenging another Christian in an absence of love.

I just want to make thing clear. My uncle is a GREAT man! I have always respected him because he cares a lot for us, his niece and nephews, and he is always so patient and humble. However, the fact on why he will bring out his “machine gun” is that he does not want us to go to a wrong church, one that does not adhere to the Word of God. Time and time again, I would explain to him why I am attending the church, the one he does not really like, reassuring him that the presence of God is so strong in that church, how the leaders teach and watch over us, only wanting the good for our lives and how powerfully the Holy Spirit flowed in that place. Many times, that conversation of ours does not really end with any agreeable conclusion and it would just fizzle and then the taboo topic will not be brought up again until the next faithful time we meet. Therefore, I can really see where he is coming from and I really appreciate him and thank God for bringing people who care and love us to us, so that there will be people whom we can be accountable to.

However, on Wednesday, during that God arranged appointment, when I was there to fix up his computer; the topic of my church was brought up again! At first, I reckoned that it was going to be another fruitless talk, one where I will just be watching him hurling his spiritual vulgarities at me. But I was wrong! God, being God, had other plans! The Spirit of God was upon me and revelations started to overwhelm me! I was so glad to know that this time round, I would not be the only listening to my uncle but the Holy Spirit was going to listen to him too! Man! At that moment, I knew that it was going to get exciting! Just like before, he asked if I really believe that my church is doctrinally correct, etc. I listened… to him and to the Holy Spirit. I was desperate. I had used my wisdom and knowledge which I had acquired in the School of Theology to answer him in the past but to no avail. This time round, it just felt different, while he was rattling away, I was lost in the forest of revelations which the Holy Spirit was revealing to me.

Praise God for the Promise of the Father! This promise made the Holy Spirit available to us. Now that He is dwelling in us, it gives me no reason not to communicate and have a close friendship with Him. The catch here is although He is in us, He does not force His will onto ours. That is why Bible makes it clear that when WE draw near, He will draw near.

Back to my story, when my uncle finished speaking, I started to share with him what the Holy Spirit had impressed upon my heart. As I began to speak, my eyebrows lifted in sheer amazement. Whatever I shared to my uncle were new revelations which the Holy Spirit had just revealed to me.

One example will be that when we were first born, we do not know what is right or wrong. As we are growing up, we perceive right or wrong according to our own knowledge. Therefore, what is right or what is wrong is being taught to us by others. We by our own knowledge may not have the right set of what is right and what is wrong. That explains the existence of discipline masters, teachers, parents, etc. There are here to guide us and to teach us on such things. Then there are the pastors in church. They are like spiritual parents to us. They are responsible to teach you and to guide you according to how God wants us to live. Thus, if we are stubborn or simply too arrogant to accept corrections, we will always stay as a child… not wanting to learn on what are the TRUE rights and what are the TRUE wrongs. It is only through learning from different people that we will grow on the whole. Life is a journey… one that is filled with lessons. That explains why you fall. When you fall, you will know that there is a bump or a pot0hole on that particular spot of the ground and thus, you will never walk into it again. People who have went through these “pot-holes” will then be able to help and advise on those who have yet to travel down the same path. Therefore, we cannot be so closed up to the point where whatever everyone said is wrong, only you yourself is right. If that happens, that will only show how mature you are.

For example, in the earlier days, when Holy Spirit was not openly preached, no one knew about speaking in tongues, let alone working of miracles in the name of the Lord. But as time progressing, people started to learn from the leaders, who in turn learnt from the Holy Spirit. Say, if they were not willing to learn or to change, do you think that there will be great healing miracles now? There may not even be a Benny Hinn.

To the extent you are willing to open up your mind, is the extent your strength or power will be.

If you can think big and not be limited by your own puny, little mind, then you will be able to grow exponentially. But when you close yourself up, not willing to learn or hear from others, you may miss on the important lessons in life. Worst still, you may even miss out on God’s plan for you in your life!

I really had a long talk with my uncle and words really describe how wonderful the whole session was. For once, the Word of God cut into him and he was lost for words too. It made him realized that it is not how much we think we know about the Bible but it is how open our heart is to the Word of God. The more our hearts are open, the more revelations will be revealed to us through the Holy Spirit. I have other revelations too but I think I will share them again… as it is getting late. Remember to drink from the Holy Spirit daily.

Let’s continue to fight the fight of FAITH; never stop running the race of FAITH.

Beauty of prints on trees... Simply inspiring!

2005-02-23T22:36:00.000+08:00

Books I am reading now:

1) Drawing Near (Rev. John Bevere)
A book filled with revelations... :) very good. It really makes me wanna draw nearer to the Creator... to love Him with the simplest and purest of intentions; to pursue something which is so beautiful... a relationship many people see it hard having... You got to read it. It will be even better if you can get hold of the CD series!

2) 5 People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
Heart warming and encouraging too.... really makes me see life in a new perspective! Some of the quotes are really mind-blowing and inspiring. God was not mentioned intensively here in this book but God was certainly a BIG part in the make up of the book.

"Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."
5 People You Meet In Heaven

Sweet poem...

2005-02-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

The girl of my life I have not met yet...

I love a girl,
Oh, so much.
I love her soft,
tender touch,

Her soft lips,
Beautiful eyes
Glistening off
The morning sunrise.

We watch the sunrise
And the sunset.
But this girl
I've never met.

In my dreams
She is so real.
It's just the way
She makes me feel.

If I could meet
A girl like this,
Her every move
I would not miss.

This girl would be,
Oh, so sweet
Holding my hand,
Walking down the street.

She could tell me she loves me
In front of her friends,
Saying what we have
Will never end.

But if it does,
We'll stay together
Just as friends
Always and forever.

This is the girl
I want forever.
If you can find her,
Tell her... I love her.

How wonderful God moves...

2005-02-04T23:27:00.000+08:00

I have really been sharing so much about wanting to follow God, to live in His ways... learning how to be closer to Him! Guess what? God brought a powerful preacher to service this week, to share on a message that really blew me off! It was really God speaking to me... How wonderful is He! The way He uses people to touch lives! Praise God for His thoughts are highers than ours!

I believe tonight is indeed a gateway to the next level in my life. Praise God! Praises all to Him! You got to get hold Rev. John Bevere's CD titled "Drawing Near." I just got one; walking out of church knowing that I have just got a great investment on hand! The following weeks are going to be truly blessed! Cannot imagine how my life is going to change... letting God move me and mould me through Rev. Bevere's materials. He is one humble man... He is indeed one of my favourite preacher! Praise God for rising up godly man... man who are after His own heart... humble people! Praise God!

Enough is enough!

2005-02-04T13:27:00.000+08:00

I HATE YOU!

I can't believe that these three words are coming out from my mouth... Especially to someone who is SO close to me... someone who was always there when I was down; someone who shared my joy together with me! We laughed together, cried together, man... we even dream together!

During our happier days, before I met Someone better, we would always go about our daily activities without even stopping to think about others! It had always been US! We really enjoyed what we did together. Whatever we wanted, we would just go ahead and do it! Which ever girl we laid our eyes on, we would discuss strategies on how we could get hold of a place in her heart! We had our fun! We really did! If you were to ask me, I would say that he was my Best-est Friend! My laughing partner, a buddy and a forever obliging shopping companion!

But of late, we have been quarrelling frequently... We just can't seem to see eye to eye on ALOT of matters! This is really frustrating! I hate the fact that someone whom I grew up with can no longer understand me! He can no longer anticipate what I want to do next. In fact, he has always been asking me to accommodate him! I really had enough! He and his nonsense, his stupid excuses! He really has thousand and one ways of justifying his wants! What about my wants? Don't I have a life? As you can see, things are not running smoothly in this relationship. Waves are starting to turn into tsunamis... Rain drops are transforming into hailstorms... even the walls are falling apart!

You may think that we can compromise but we tried that... Ever heard of “Been there, done that, bought a T-shirt, taken a photograph!" It is just not going to work. It is either him or me! I don't think we can co-exist! If I want my kind of life then he is not going to be in the picture! We are mutually exclusive! Gone are the days where we enjoyed each other's company. My grip on our "funs" of the past is loosening... Someone is pulling me away from him. Someone I cannot resist. Someone who loves me more than him! Someone who is even willing to sacrifice for me... I hope I am not been heartless. I believe that there must come a time when we must part.

As I am writing this, he is here... looking at it while I am typing. How awkward and weird can that be? Tears start to form in his eyes... and I can see that he is agitated. However, I am surprised that I am nonchalant! This is the first time I am feeling so unconcerned about wanting to let go of a relationship that had so many memories! I used to wail when a girl whom my heart wants to be with, thinks that we should not be together anymore because I am too quiet for her. I really hated those moments... I could have filled numerous of buckets with my tears! Who says that man does not cry? We do! In our own private world, we will cry and shout! We will bang the walls of our castle! We will even chop of the trees in our garden!! I admit that sometimes, we even sob like babies! That is who we are... M-A-N!

This time round, it is so different. Everything is so serene! Instead, I am looking forward to the days without him, my long time sidekick; a childhood friend. This is one relationship which I think is long overdue. Moulds are starting to form and a stench can be smelled miles away! You may think that I will regret! You may think that I am losing someone who knows me best, someone who knows exactly what I always want! On that, I can safely beseech you to trust in my judgments! Yes... for once, I am really confident that the absent of him will indeed make my life a heaven on earth! No more screams down my ear drum! No more pulling of my hair! I don't to be a tag-along anymore! Now, I can wander on the path that is already in front of me... one that was mapped out for me even before I make this decision to go down that path! You may think that I will be lonely without! Ha! That is one thing that did not cross my mind!

I am free now! Walking down this path where in front of me lays beautiful flowers, trees that are gigantic and a light that is shining so brightly at the end of the road. Now is the time, I am letting his hand off me completely. I am not sorry for doing that. I love him too much to want to hang on to him! He got to go now. We are not two and not one. It is official! Goodbye my flesh! We did have our "fun" but my definition for fun has really changed! You are no longer the source of my joy... Please respect my decision and stop clinging on to me... Let me build my new world with my Savior, One who cares about how I feel and One who truly understands me! Don't worry. I am in good hands. Just to assure you, the devil is going to be His footstool soon, so just cheer up and release me for my good! I am running without you anymore! Goodbye...

Ups and Downs

2005-02-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

Life's sweet?
Life's smooth?
Life's beautiful?
Life's meaningful?

I have really been pondering on these questions lately. What is wrong with me? I must have lost focus somewhere - career, relationships, or perhaps God? I really wonder why it is so easy for us to mis-focus on something that is so simple yet complicated. God's love is like the wind; invisible but tangible. How then can I lose focus on something so wonderful and sweet?

I reckon that sometimes, I am trying too hard to walk in the light. Walking in truth and love could be a such a simple task if only we know how to. I guess that I have been too conscious about my actions, the things I do and the stuff that exits from my mouth. Once again, trying to attain HOLINESS on my own strength and might. How hard it is and how vain can I be? Am I trying too hard? If so, I just want to be a good son to a WONDERFUL Father, the Father of the UNIVERSE! What is wrong with that?!?

I have really pondered and prayed about. I really want to live a life that is separated to Him. After almost 3 years of experiencing His tangible presence, my soul could no longer stand the dirt that always fall upon me. Have you ever wonder why your television gets dusty the next day after your spring cleaning? Because dirt is everywhere! This world is so dusty and dirty! How then can I be kept pure from the dirt of the world. I am sure that I, myself will not be able to stay dirt-free for ONE day! I am not sure if anyone can achieve that! Dirty as I wakes up. Muddier as the day passes by.

The more I tried to consciously stay dirt-free, the more frustrated I become! I am like a hygiene freak. "Yucks! Dirt!!!... Better blow it away!" Phew..... I am so tired! I give up! Suddenly, something gentle just surged through my body and this gentle, smoothing sensation began to refresh my soul and comfort my spirit! "Let the weak say I am stong!" Wow... I have really given up on myself to stay pure but it is now that He can really work for me. All along, He had always wanted to help me stand in the gap, to pull my worlds together... but time and time again, I snatched it away from Him and tells Him that I can handle it... I can stay pure; I can work and earn my righteousness... How foolish can I be?

I started out knowing that "it is not by might, nor power but by His Spirit." Now, this! Haha... Man... I am really weak and impaired. It is such a simple instruction but still... I failed! I am indeed a broken vessel... one that leaks every now and then. Nothing can be poured into me. Wow... I cannot even do such a simple thing. But thank God that there is something call GRACE. It is like a sticky gooey stuff that fills in the gaps of this broken vessel. I used to be HOLEY... but now I can be HOLY! Praise God. Lord, please teach me how to not try to do everything by myself! I am truly aware of my disability, please help me! Indeed, by Your Spirit, make me WHOLE once again. I do not want to condemn my own soul by living legalistically! Teach me Your ways. I want to sense Your presence daily, sensitize my soul; soften my heart, one that follows after you!

sweet...

2005-02-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

You have a ticket to heaven no thief can take,
an eternal home no divorce can break.

Every sin of your life has been cast to the sea.
Every mistake you've made is nailed to the tree.

You're blood-bought and heaven made.
A child of God - forever saved.

Max Lucado "A Love Worth Giving"

My first P-O-E-M

2005-01-28T11:59:00.000+08:00

Haha... the title is not wrong. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you! Indeed, Damian has stepped out in faith to publish his first POEM! Indeed, a first poem that I have wrote, with love and joy from the bottom of my heart. Haha.. it may seem very kiddish but that's the way it is. However, I will try to improve on my poem writing skills when there is time to spare. Please do give your comments if there are any in you... to comment or to critize me on how well my poem does. oopss... I am singing to the tune of the poem as I am writing this portion of text... with so much joy in me, I do not know where to spread. Hahaha... oopss.. I better stop... REMEMBER: This is my FIRST poem... ENJOY.

My God

Here I sit in front of a monitor,
With nothing much to do,
All my work has been completed,
So now I can turn to You.

When work was overwhelming,
Your grace was there with me,
And when I got stuck at a point,
There you show me Your face,
Giving me clear instructions,
For the work I needed to do.
How lovely and great You are,
My God, my Love, my All.

Oh! It is five fifty now
Ten minutes to knocking off
With so much unfinished work,
My hope for home just sank.

But once again, faithful is You,
Who came and rescue me.
Now, with the strength of God,
On wings of eagles I soar,
Nothing is too hard,
For You my God, is LORD!

Written by Damian Ng

NOTE: Written this in my office... haa... :) Not always this free... thus, decided to use my time to praise my God, my All! :)

Employed :)

2005-01-27T17:18:00.000+08:00

Alas, I have found a job... I am currently working at Anro Asia Pte Ltd, a reseller for IT softwares and products. My job title is IT Technical Support but I see it as Clerk cum IT Technical Support. Haha.. I have not really done any support yet and I am not really confident too. I have not really touch any programming or network stuff for years. However, I believe that I will be able to be the SALT and the LIGHT in this small office of 5 staffs! Pathetic rite? Hahaha... scary thing is that the people here do not really interact with one another... they do not communicate...

One reason why this is so, we are all flooded with emails to do up quotations for many different people/companies. On my first day, I was right infront of the PC from the moment I stepped into the office until it is time to go home! CRAZY! haha... okok.. i did exaggerate there... but apart from getting up from my seat to go to my boss' desk or to the toilet, I basically sat at the table the whole day... it really reminds me of my days in SAFTI, MI as a Finance Clerk... doing up quotations and stuff.... haha...

I really do believe that God has a purpose and reason for placing me here... I am not sure how long I will be here... but every single day when I am here, I am going to maximise my talents and I am going to SHINE for Him! :) His grace is good enough for me... His presence will be there to accompany me throughout the day... My LOVE and MY ALL!

Nothing happens by chance...

2005-01-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wonder why you are on this Earth? Have you ever wonder why there are so many things that we have to do to stay alive? Do you really believe that we existed because of an explosion? You question yourself when bad things to you. You question yourself when things are not going your way... but did you ever question yourself when things are falling into places; when everything seems so perfect?

We are indeed living in a world where we, by our own might, cannot really explain the existence of this world. There is a law of gravity but why must things fall down? Why is there a pull at the centre of this big green/blue roundie? Can science really prove everything? If science can do that, can science tells us which came first, the chicken or the egg? People are getting more and more ignorant nowadays. They do not really care about their lives and even their AFTERLIVES. Or is there really one?

Nowadays, people are living for the day! What must I (Once again, the BIG ALTER EGO, I) do if this fine day is my last? I am sure that in some points in your life, you have asked yourself that question. And I am very sure that as high as 90% of us will give a very typical answer, "I want to do something which I have always wanted to do!" Right? And that can be anything from beating someone you hated so much up to having some real-time fantasies with the all time charming and sexy girl in your school/work. How sad and crooked is that? Have we really got no futures after we die? Have you given that a clear thought? Once again, do you think that everything on this planet exists because we, humans, are CLEVER and INTELLIGENT? Then where did this intelligence come from? From our DNAs? Then where did this DNA comes from? It can go on and on... and I am very sure that the "smartest" scientist cannot even GIVE us a definite answer. That is why they use terms like "The Big Bang THEORIES!" They are only theories, nothing solid.

People choose to ignore the TRUTH and to rather fix their belief on THEORIES. I am not saying that all theories are false. We have to be INTELLIGENT here. Those that are evident in our lives must be true... for e.g., the Law of Gravity. So you will be asking me, "What is the truth then?" People always want the TRUTH. But how many are willing to follow the TRUTH and to run on the pavement of TRUTH? People are afterall people, selfish, self-centered and ignorant creatures; seeking only to please and accept everything that sounds GOOD to them.

Do you really know about you? Why you are here? Do you even know your reason and purpose in this planet? Are you able to ACCEPT the TRUTH? Let me rephrase... "Are you WILLING to ACCEPT the TRUTH?" The TRUTH is Jesus Christ who came 2000 years ago to die for our wickedness, OUR SINS! The TRUTH is that if you walk in RIGHTEOUSNESS, you will INHERIT His Kingdom. Is there a future after death? There is and the future is BRIGHTER than what you have now! Why cheat your soul by indulging in your pleasures? Are you so short-sighted to think that there is ONLY so much to life? If I were to choose what I want to do if today is the last day, I will probably kneel down and pray to God. I will ask Him what He wants me to do with the remaining time here on this planet.

3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing,
4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them.
2 Cor 4:3-4

Inspiring!

2005-01-13T13:23:00.000+08:00

"If you nurture a relationship like a garden with the living water of Jesus, it will survive storms, heat, cold and dark to bear a lifetime of sustaining fruit."
Eric Fellman

I have been reading a few books on relationship lately and I have began to learn what true manhood is and how putting Jesus in the picture beautify the art piece. Although the books were written about boy-girl relationships, I was really inspired to be a God's man and not a men's man. I have to really thank the authors for giving me a whole new insight to Christian relationships.

I did have a fear about getting attached in church as I thought that there are too MANY procedures, etc. How wrong can I be? Those are not unnecessary procedures but they are actually helpful guiding posts. Relationships like our tongues hold the well of life and death. A correct and God-blessed relationship can bring love, peace and great joy to the couple whereas a wrong, quarrelsome couple only brings hurts, sorrows and death to their souls.

In a relationship, it is no longer about ME, I, MYSELF, the unholy trinity. When a relationship is concerned, it will always be giving and giving and more giving. How foolish is one who thinks that a relationship can actually give him/her love, security or even fun. How can someone trust a man (generic) totally? No man is perfect and man, even your close ones, may fail you in some ways. I am starting to learn and renew my mind... to always place my hope in Jesus Christ. He is the only TRUE SOURCE of joy, love and hope! This is indeed going to be a great year as I start to bring each and every focus back to Him. Every wrong focuses will be re-directed and every wrong mindset will be straightened out. It is not going to be easy but it will sure be one exciting journey.

Books I have read which really inspire me:
1. When God writes your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy
2. I Kissed Dating GOODBYE by Joshua Harris
3. Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris
4. Every Young Man's Battle by Arteburn and Stoeker (Fantastic book!)

Books that I am currently reading:
1. not even a hint by Joshua Harris
2. I Kissed Dating GOODBYE (Re-reading... to re-inspire myself!)
3. Every man. God's man by Arteburn and Kenny Luck

They are really great books and it has not only helped me in areas of relationships but also encouraged me to live right for God. We only have this life and we have got to live it right. These authors are really great as they really share out from their hearts. I am very blessed to have picked up these books from the bookstores. I really hope that you will have a vision in your life. If you do not have one, why not start by telling yourself that you want to live right for your Saviour, the one who rescued you from the darkness! :) God bless!

Be Inspired, Live LIFE to the FULLEST!

FOOTPRINTS

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking across the
beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed
scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed
two sets of footprints in the sand, one
belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before
him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints. He
also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned
the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I
decided to follow You, You'd walk with me all the
way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, there is only one set
of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed
You the most You would leave me."The Lord replied,
"My son, my precious child, I love you and would never
leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when
you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Amazing love

2005-01-11T13:40:00.000+08:00

Once again, it is another day of reflection after watching a "Fantabulous" movie! I watched this movie EARLIER this morning. I reached home at 3:30am this morning after meeting up with my drama members. We met up for a buffet dinner at Marina South. After which, a few of us, 7 to be exact went to Mr Bean to have a drink (not alcoholic drink but coffees and smoothies). We stayed there until 3am before deciding that it was too late as some of them have to work the next morning. We had a wonderful time especially towards the end of the whole session as we began to talk about our encounters with God. It was so interesting to learn about other people's experience... to see how God actually spoke to them and how He sent His angels to minister to them. Wow... it was just awesome! I felt so ministered because I too had a very real encounter with JESUS last year. :)

Okay, let me go back to the great movie. The movie is called "A Walk to Remember." The two leads are Shane West and Mandy. It was early in the morning and I thought I was watching the movie because I was too tired to get the sleep. Little did I know that I was in for a great treat! This was the second show that REALLY, REALLY touched and impacted me. The first one, if you have read my earlier post, was Spiderman 2.

I have always loved to watch romantic love stories, to see how the couple fall in love and live happily ever after. But “A Walk to Remember” is different from the rest. Let me give you a brief synopsis…

Jamie Sullivan (Mandy Moore) was studying in this high school where she met this egoistic, popular guy in school, Landon Carter (Shane West). Just to give you a brief background of the two characters. Jamie is a girl who came from a Christian family where her dad was a reverend in a local church in the town. Shane is a guy who thinks that he is the greatest because he is so popular in school. He is one who is really in a BAD company, people who make fun of others just to entertain themselves.

One fine day, Landon was punished for committing an offence and for hurting someone indirectly. He was told by the principle/discipline master that he has to carry out a few tasks, namely to help clean the school, tuition other kids and to act in the play. The first two were just normal chores until he found out that he had to be the male lead in the play. Incidentally, Jamie was also in the drama team and her role was to be a mysterious woman (I think that she was someone who practices witchcraft). As Landon was doing his first play, he asked Jamie for help, to help him run his lines as his friends from the BAD company were simply inadequate. Before Jamie actually promised to help Landon, she told him that he cannot fall in love with her. Jamie was a girl who did not dress very well in school, not because she did not know how to but she just do not want to pull all the attentions to her. Having said so, Landon obviously did not think that she was an attractive girl, so he immediately promised that he will not fall in love with her.

Days passed and slowly, as Landon interacted more with Jamie, he found out that she was just different from the rest of the other girls he knew before. On that day of the play, when everyone was in their full costumes, Landon saw the REAL Jamie, a beautiful and elegant lady who could sing so well. It was there and then that Landon really fell in love with her. Okay… Love blossoms… until one day, Jamie met with Landon and she looked really troubled. Landon began to ask her what was wrong. BAM… She told him that she has CANCER! Then to cut the long story short, Landon chose to love her until she dies and he even married the sick girl. Oh… and because Jamie had faith that Landon would make it to medical school, he finally went into one. Obviously, when he was with his BAD company, he was totally not interested with school and stuff.

I may not be very good at my synopsis but whatever it is, you have to watch the show yourself! It is one show that romantic love stories lovers cannot miss. I really CRIED when she announced that she was sick… It was so touching to learn that you have to be prepared to give up your love just so that he/she will not suffer with you. The both of them looked so right and there were like match made in heaven. I was so sad to know that this story will not really end in a way most love stories do. It will not be a happy ending with two people inside. However, when she said she was sick, I CRIED because no love in the world can be so CERTAIN, UNCHANGING and CONSTANT as God’s love for us. We can lose our loved ones or they can just leave us but God’s love is always there… rain or shine, when you are up or down…

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. "

1 Cor 13:4-7

I tried putting myself in Landon’s shoes and I am not sure if I will be so selfless. I tried putting myself in Jamie’s shoes and I am not sure if I will be so strong to accept whatever life has to offer. Life is just so fragile and lives are so unpredictable. Lives can be created by a mistake or in a moment of folly and similarly, lives can be lost just as easily. I am beginning to learn more and more about God’s grace and love these past two weeks. I really thank God for opening up my eyes… to burst the bubble that I have always been living in… thinking that everything is just so beautiful… nothing will happen to me, to Singapore as we are so sheltered!

“Sometimes, God allows us to feel the frailty of men so we’ll appreciate the STRENGTH of His LOVE.” Anonymous

Nonetheless, after knowing that things are so UNPREDICTABLE, I began to thank God more and praise Him more… to even want to have a closer walk with Him. I know that even as everything else fails, His love for me will never fail! Oh and one more thing which I learnt from the movie is that LOVE is a COMMITMENT. You love this person to the extent that you are willing to accept him/her for who she is. It is not based purely on emotions but it is really a conscious effort of choice. God chooses to love us no matter what we do and how much we do not want to love Him… UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! He is indeed AWESOME!

It is going to be a GREAT 2005!

2005-01-08T11:15:00.000+08:00

Ever since I entered into 2005, my walk with God has been growing sweeter and sweeter. His presence and grace were just indescribable. They were so REAL and everyday single day since the 1st of Jan, I felt like I was riding on a cloud where everything seemed so beautiful.

In my previous post, I shared that 2004 has not really been a really fantastic year for me. However, towards the end of 2004, the last few days to be exact, the LORD encouraged me every single day and as I read more of the Word, He began to bring to light a verse He wanted me to hold on to in 2005. The rehma word that God showed me is "But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Mat 6:33). I have seen this verse very often and I have claimed upon it before. However, in the past, when I claimed upon the verse, it was not with much conviction but nonetheless faith was involved. Now that God has personallyshown me this verse, whenever I claimed it, it felt so different. There was joy and confidence to lead a life that is totally separated to Him. In the past, I did not really have the confidence to really give my all for Jesus but it feels so different now. Everyday, I am just more happy and indeed the "joy of the LORD is my strength!"

There are so much things I want to do this year after not so good 2004. However, when the LORD began to speak, He who is the DIRECTOR of my life, I know that there are certain things which need to be put on hold first. Mysteriously, I did not feel disappointedt or angry that I have to once again shelf my plans. The LORD indeed has given me the grace and strength to handle the things which He has for me. His grace is just so REAL. I really hope I will continue to focus on Him and not let the cares of this world pull me away. For I can only find true love and comfort in Him! He is indeed my SOURCE of COMFORT, WISDOM, STRENGTH and GRACE!

After attending last night service, my word was confirmed by Rev Kong Hee! Wow... it was just amazing! For the past week, I was still having some doubts about whether or not this is indeed the word but when I sat through the preaching, the presence of God just fell upon me. BAM! That was when I knew that God really wanted to me focus on Him this year and if I put Him first, He will bless my finances, relationships and my health! Pst Kong did not shared from Mat 6:33 but what he shared was the importance of putting Jesus as our foundation and he encouraged us to commit our life to prayer, the church, Word of God and to the Holy Spirit! God really work in a POWERFUL and CUTE way eh? Throughout the week, a friend also shared that we should really put God first in our ministry and life this year. In fact, God wants to use TIME to mould us and to really build us up into GREATER people, people who are more CHRIST-LIKE. What an interesting year that is ahead of me and I am really excited about it. Praise God for His faithfulness and most of all... for His love and grace that He showered over my life. I have never had such a good start to my year in the 23 years of my existence here on earth. I know that this year, 2005, will be one exciting ride with Him. I can forsee pitfalls already but I know that His grace will bring my through. As I wait upon my Lord and Saviour, He will renew my strength and I will soar on wings like eagles; run and not be weary; walk and never faint! A great God!

I really want to urge you friends to start building a intimate relationship with Him. It is really a rewarding relationship. It is one that not only promises love and blessings but also a fulfillment to the void that is crying out from the inside of you. It may be hard at first but trust me, go with the Word of God and it will be so, so much easier. Prayer is a way we talk to God and the Word of God is usually how God speaks to us! :) Stay strong and let's be like Paul... running strong in our own race of faith! God bless you all!!

"True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid."

"The joy of intimacy is a reward of commitment."

I Kissed Dating GOODBYE, Joshua Harris

Nothing will HINDER my communication with GOD!

2004-12-28T01:54:00.000+08:00

Just really wanna thank God for His grace... Started to feel a bit trancy, dazy, gorgy about a week back! However, the past week has been a really hectic one for me! I had to go for drama rehearsals and it was really intense! :) Nonetheless, God really gave me the grace, strength and clarity in mind to attend the rehearsals and ultimately ACT during the two performance! Although the roles that I have were not really MAJOR ones, I thank God for even giving me the chance and the grace to carry out my role! :) I have never, never and never doubted His grace! Indeed His grace is sufficient for me and I am so blessed to have known this GOD, the only TRUE God! I cannot thank Him enough for creating me... and even for loving me FIRST!

Things have happened in the pasts... mistakes were made... but He is always there... to refresh me, to bless me, to heal me and to TELL me how much He loves me! Wow... with such a wonderful Father, Friend, Helper, who needs love from this world! For this world is only temporary but the real life begins in eternity, IN HEAVEN! :) Sometimes, I really wonder why people who have experienced God will wanna backslide. Hmm... maybe it is because they have lost sight and lost the fact that this world is only TEMPORARY! I am so sad to see many of my friends whom I knew from church falling away from God... My heart is crying out for God to TOUCH them... to REFRESH them anew! Day after day, praying that they will be back and to be gone from the grip of this world! There is this saying... "we are in this WORLD, but we are not OF this WORLD!" Therefore, from them, I began to understand the importance of knowing who you are serving and the purpose in doing what you are doing. We can be serving so hard and fellowshipping so hard... only for a wrong purpose! Friends, I am happy that you are even reading my blog but I earnestly remind you not to forget your SOURCE... Our Lord God!

This past year, 2004, has been a great one! Although many, and I mean MANY things happened, I am glad that I have gone through them! :) It has really moulded in one way or another... given me new perspectives... challenged my mindset and I have to say that capacity has been enlarged! One MAJOR lesson I learnt is that I should not assume how people look at me... for sometimes, I may think that a certain person may despise me... but in actual fact, they do not! :) Isn't that really stupid.... to put your perspective into someone elses. However, we should not be steered by how people look at us too... there should be a balance though... we also cannot say that we totally do not care about how others look at us! :) For people see our faith by our ACTIONS! :) Anyway, this has got to do with pride and I am slowly but surely dealing with it with the help of Holy Spirit!

I thank God for blessing me with great friends and CG members!!! Really blessed to be in W236 because they are like DADDIES and MUMMIES to me!! :) Love them all... Always there to encourage me when I am down... when I feel like quitting! :) Apart from them... I have great friends to encourage me too... Brother Bruce, Emily, Alyssa, Gary... and so much more! In one way or another, they have really coloured my year! :)

One last thing I wanna share is that we should all RUN after wisdom! After 2 years in church, one thing one should not be lacking is GODLY WISDOM! :) We do make mistakes here and there but we should be wise and to LEARN from them... not going back to the same old mistakes again! I have really learnt the importance of being wise... to be wise is better than having Gold and to have understanding is better than to have Silver.. :) Wisdom comes from the fear of God and one who loves instructions and correction is seeking wisdom! I know it is hard to be discipled! I even know how much you will wanna SHOUT BACK when someone CORRECTS you... but you know what? Only people who loves you will wanna WASTE their precious time correcting you! :) therefore, cherish those corrections and those discipleship sessions! :) hehe... God bless and until next time... :) SEE ya... and may God bless the new year for you...

Oh!! One more thing... pray for my sickness... :) It is known as dissociative state or depersonalisation for now! :) Prayers work so never stop obmitting me from your prayers! Haha

2004-11-09T22:43:00.000+08:00

Photo-taking for SOT Graduation on 2nd Nov 2004

2004-11-09T21:29:00.000+08:00

This was a picture taken during our photo taking session for our SOT Graduation. Don't I look FAT? Haha.. Anyway... it does not matter as this is the second time I am wearing a graduation gown. The first time was when I was in kindergarden! So blessed!

Photo-taking for SOT Graduation on 2nd Nov 2004

Moving on!

2004-11-09T20:41:00.000+08:00

Usher Ministry has given and taught me alot in church. From it, I have also known a few GREAT pals. I have to admit that it is kind of sad to have to move on to another ministry although it was me who made that decision to move on. Having to forsake serving with the familiar clique of brothers and sisters and simply not ushering is kind of a huge change, seeing that I have served in usher ministry for around 2 years.

Nonetheless, changes are always GOOD and I have to thank unsher ministry for having a part in moulding my character and aiding me in my spiritual growth. I just wanna thank all the leaders, section and teams ICs that I have been under and all the usher mates that have faithfully served alongside me for the past 2 years. Oh ya, not forgetting the forever friendly and warm, Bro Richie Goh, our Chief usher. Haha... He really reminds me of the Big Friendly Giant. :)

Now, it is time to move on in the next phase of my spiritual life, serving God in the CHOIR MINISTRY. A ministry that is filled with exicting and exuberant people! I just attended my first practice last week and I have to say that I really do feel like a newcomer in church. Haha... everything seems to have been reset. New bonds need to be built;new skills need to be acquired and most importantly, new areas of my life to be moulded! Haha... oh man... it seems like an arduous task but I know that it can be done as I will once again learn how to rely on the Spirit of God to empower me! Anyway, I am really looking forward to stand on stage and sing to the thousands in the auditorium. It is a great privilege and an honor to be given a chance to in this great ministry!

Let's see where this will lead me... One thing for sure... it is going to lead me to a higher ground and I am sure that I am going to have a great time serving God with singing and dancing! Woohoo! Thanks for reading my blog. I hope that it really encourages you to maximise your time in whatever ministry you are serving in; to squeeze every single bit out of the ministry. Haha... to learn as much is what I what say plainly. :) Oh... One more thing... the year is ending and I have to say that another transition is coming up... my SOT is ending.. going to be a "Graduate" soon. Haha... cannot wait for that special day... It has been a YEAR of action, and I really mean ACTION! Haha... Battles... Crucifying... Down times and Joyful times... Haha... I think i will share it in another post towards the end of the year. In the meantime, God bless!

Inspiring Spiderman 2!

2004-07-20T06:49:00.000+08:00

Went out to watch Spiderman 2 with my siblings yesterday and I have to say that Spiderman 2 is one inspiring movie. It shows how in wanting to be a hero, one has to sacrifice so much. It is one thing to be cool to be admired as a superhero but it is another thing to LIVE IT! People usually think that it is so easy if we have supernatural powers. How not true that is! If we do have supernatural power and want to be people who are responsible, truly loving and having the best interest for the people, we have to be like Spiderman; hiding behind a mask, to protect your family's interest, etc.

The show kind of relates to me and it really spurs me on, challenging my mindset. To do the right thing, we, sometime, have to even give up our dreams! Wow! Mind-blowing. The revelation hit me and it makes me think how the many people in my life and the leaders over me, this nation sacrificed for me/us just to make my life a better one!

Fame aside, superheroes are really people who sacrifice for the good of others and still be responsible in their own lives. On top of that, having the interest of their closed ones at heart. Once everything is right, everything will fall in place. Not forgetting about the God you serve. If you live right, you will never fail to be blessed. I was so happy when Peter Parker got what he really deserves! He needed that understanding from the love of his life, appreciation from the onlookers for hanging on in there when times were hard and that good feeling for knowing that what he did was THE RIGHT THING TO DO. We must never be afraid to do the right things, even when it COST us something. Afterall, Jesus Christ did the thing that needed to be done for the redemption of mankind! How great was that! Will post more thoughts 0n Spiderman 2.

Catch it if you have not! Mind-blowing, awesome and INSPIRING! On the sidenote, I think Peter Parker is a Christian! Why? His God never shortchanged him, yeah? :) He deserving got what he desires. Let's live right, start facing our inner fears of wanting to commit ourselves in living right and love all those commitments that come with it!

Thank you my dear Friends and Leaders!

2004-07-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

I just wanna dedicate this post to all my dear FRIENDS and LEADERS for praying and interceding for me when I was sick! I must say that I am truly blessed to be surrounded by all of them. I love you guys and gals! :)

LEADERS
------------
Pst Lillian Cher - Thank you for being so sweet and loving.

Brother Nicholas - Thanks Lao Bang! :)

Brother Khen Theen - My powerful CG leader who brought two packets of juices for me! so blessed!

Brother Victor - I really salute this great leader! :) came just to pass me the ear plugs when i was in the hospital, the hospital was too noisy! haha... a BIG THANK YOU to YOU... feel so bad that you came all the way and to have you to leave immediately! :)

Sister Suwen - My ex CG LEADER... sweet lady who was always there for me in times of need. :)

Sister Cindy - My SOT team leader... thanks for the prayers.. :) was the first one to lay hands on me when i went to school on tue feeling super disoriented. :) hehe....

All the LEADERS from LC zone! - Thanks!!! :)

All the other leaders whom I have missed! - THANK YOU... LOVE YOU ALL

FRIENDS
------------
My CG MEMBERS - Thanks for you prayers... visits... so blessed by your prayers and presence....
Thank you Kheng Guan, Serene, Kevin, Kenneth, Peishan, my bro, GONGKAI, Susan... and all the rest!!! :)
Oh... yeah.. the kids of W236 too.. thanks for the sweet card!! ... these kids are children of my CG members :) very sweet kids... Jillian, Joelle, Denise and Dillion!

My SOT Pals!
Thanks Peter, Lena, Terri, Gina, Brian, Matthias, Adele Jie, Shushan, Veron, Xuejun, David and all!! :) so blessed to have you guys.. :) thanks for fasting and praying! :) appreciate it alot! :) love you guys.. cannot wait to see you guys tomorrow.

My Drama Pals!
My bro, GARY QUEK! Alyssa, Sister Chin Ling, Ai Ling(sweet gal who came to my house and visited me when i was sick, THANKS!), and EVERYONE Else that i have missed out!! :) thanks... so sad that i could not be part of the upcoming production! :) hehe.. but I will be there... SUPPORTING you guys! :) go and "break a leg" hehe..

Thanks Emily Ong and Eunice Ong!! :)

All the other friends whom i Have missed out... thanks... :) Love you all... my Love tank is so FILLED NOW.. haha....

OKOK... NOT FORGETTING MY FAMILY.. for taking care of ME... and my beloved MUM! :) thanks for helping me with so many things.. :) thanks SYLVESTER AND CERENNA for getting food and tolerating my nonsense! :) hehehe...

Love you all,
Damian

I LOVE MY GOD!

2004-07-18T23:45:00.000+08:00

I love my God!! I am HEALED! :)

Praising God EVEN at the darkest moment!

2004-07-06T14:02:00.000+08:00

I thank God for everything that I am experiencing right now!
I praise Him in times like these!

I am feeling really disorientated and dissociated right now. Out of sync, dreamy, dazy... etc... it is really bad. In spite of all these, I WILL PRAISE HIM.
I know that my God is Jehovah God, my Healer, my Source! He will deliver me from my predicament in no time!

It is through trials and tribulations that produces genuine faith! In turn, this faith will produce patience. God is indeed GOOD all the time!

Oh... you may be wondering what is wrong with me. I have illness called dissociative state (diagnosed by a psychiatrist). Hard to explain how I feel... basically, I feel like I am in a dream, not really sure about what I am doing, etc. Having a vision that a normal person will have when he/she is in dreamland... foggy, blurry vision!

But I thank God for the little bit of sanity that is in me, enabling me to praise God in this blog despite of how I am feeling right now. Just got back from school... and it was really bad... was fighting against the feeling of "spacing out"... if you know what I mean.

So dear friends, do keep me in your prayers and to be honest, this time round, I am more optimistic. Why? Because I sense His presence, His love, His grace. :) PRAISE GOD!!

God is Good ALL THE TIME!

2004-06-03T01:54:00.000+08:00

No matter how big a mistake we make, God is merciful to forgive us if we come to Him with a broken and contrite heart. We must not lose the spiritual hunger for Him even when we fail; the spiritual hunger will get you back on your feet!

Whenever we fall, be sure to fall front, keeping our focus on Him. Be quick to get up on your feet and find your footing back again... walk the road less travelled and God will bless you mightily!

Never think that you have to do everything again when you have failed! When you fail, you will not be brought back to level one, instead God wants you to work on your life and move on from the level which you were at!

By our own strength and wisdom, it will not be possible but with God, everything is possible!

Sorry is a word which is overly use... everyone including myself is cheapening the word, "Sorry!" When we want to say sorry, we must mean it in our heart and decision must be made to change!

God is a truly good God... always bringing us into new situations in our lives to make us see the new areas we need to work on! Praise be to GOD! Hallelujah

Champions are not people who never fail but people who NEVER QUIT!