Recently, I posted in a Christian Forums and shared about my struggles. My disappointments, my hurts, my dilemmas, etc. Then, there was this helpful lady who replied and shared her struggles. I don't have to say much.
HER POST:
This distance feeling sometimes comes after a spiritual high. Sometimes it seems like God hides himself. I can't biblically prove it off of the top of my head, but I know that God woos us and I think his "hiding" of himself is a time when we "woo" God; like lovers do (Song of Solomon) as God is the lover of our souls. Sometimes we neglect the relationship and that creates distance. But, sometimes this rotting feeling comes from having sin in our lives.
I recently came through a period just like what you explained. I'll share my story in hopes that it will be helpful to you or to someone else reading this. I felt the distance from God too, like I didn't want to serve anymore, like everything in church was such a drag. I didn't want to hear rebuke. I was just going through the motions and felt like my insides were rotting out. I asked for help, but strangely, no one seemed to hear me.
For me, my fustrations over my unfulfilled desires for marriage, intimacy, companionship, were drawing me away. There was unforgiveness too against God. I felt that God wasn't being fair to me, wasn't rewarding me for being faithful. I did everything that singles are told to do, work on being whole, run hard after God, etc. Yet people who didn't do any of this were getting married all around me. So, I felt cheated, resentful and lied to. Very few people really knew the depth of my disappointment with God, and those that did kind of brushed it under the rug because on the outside I looked to be successful and godly and I looked like I had it all together. Plus I think, it made them uncomfortable.
Mind you, in the midst of this struggle, I was hearing from the Lord, serving, helping people. Yet, I didn't want to hear anyone lecturing me and preaching at me. I still grate at the "wait on the Lord" speech from those who got married when they were 22. I was angry at God and started to revert to old behaviors that I thought were gone (cursing, watching ungodly shows, etc.) I did these things secretly, but they would seep out once in a while. I didn't want to strive for holiness or righteousness anymore and had a "whatever" attitude towards God.
Then, a totally hot, but unsaved man who I was extremely attracted to started making advances. When he'd smile and his eyes would twinkle, my thoughts scrambled and I would just melt. When he flirted with me outwardly I remained businesslike, but inwardly I was so flattered and tempted and I think he knew it. I was playing with fire and felt myself moving closer and closer to compromise. This was not love. I knew that long term we were incompatible. I just plain-old wanted him and I knew if I gave him the signal that I could have him. In my heart I really wanted Mr. Right, but was ready settle for Mr. Right Now to satisfy my curiousity. I was tired of waiting and walking uprightly and felt like I was just wasting my time.
In the midst of all of this, I was in the church serving in 5 different ministries. No one really knew about my struggles. I felt like every time I came to church people just wanted to use me to do something for them. I rarely got a phone call unless someone wanted something. An extra pair of hands, teaching, singing, listening to others, praying for others, offering some service. I did these things and then some because I thought this is what Christians are supposed to do. But most of those people didn't really care about me as a person or about my calling from the Lord. They just wanted to get their things done. So, I started to stay away from church, only going when I had to. My love for God continued to colder and colder until I regretted that I had ever become a Christian. But it wasn't the church that made my love grow cold, it had been happening for a long time; it had been growing out of my erroneous notion that if I did x then God would do y. I felt like God just wanted me to work, work, work, while he withheld my hearts desire for love and fulfillment from me.
So ... what happened?
First, I did what you are doing now. I started asking people to pray for me. I didn't really want to, but I asked them to do it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't trust everyone with the details, just a few mature, godly women (I didn't feel it would be wisdom to tell a man) that I knew were discreet and that truly loved me. I confessed my thoughts and desires to them. They didn't judge or lecture me. They told me what was right; simply and with love. Then they prayed for me. I'm so grateful for that. Within a week, the hot guy stopped pursuing me, although my desire for him still remained. I was so disappointed, but I made myself keep distance from him and what was blossoming, died. In fact, our paths will no longer cross as I'm moving to a new assignment. When I said goodbye to him, God was able to give me the strength to maintain my composure and distance. Right before I left, another man, an unbeliever who had really given me a hard time about my faith, commended me on my walk and character. He encouraged me to not yield to temptation and to not compromise. He didn't know anything about my situation because I've never shared anything personal with him. So it was an encouragement from the Lord. It humbled me to think of what could have happened had it not been for the prayers of those mature saints.
Next, I cut back on the busy church stuff and started focusing more on the Lord. I started doing things like taking time to appreciate the beauty of creation, and talking to the Lord in little short prayers (thank you Lord for this beautiful day). I started physically resting and putting balance in my life. I am in the process of seeking God to see which ministries he truly wants me to serve in. I started intentionally enjoying life. And I focused on reconnecting with God. I prayed that the Lord would reignite the fire for him.
I then had to deal with the issues that drew me away. Unforgiveness towards God and lust. Although I knew I was sinning inwardly, I couldn't see exactly why premarital sex, why lust was wrong. So I prayed and asked God to show me why, in practical terms. Besides it being wrong simply because God said so, He started teaching me about the consequences beyond pregnancy and STDs and about his protection and love. There is no condom for your heart, for your spirit, for your emotions. The "protection" is within the marriage relationship, one that is brought together by God. I saw that God was not withholding from me and that marriage, like singleness, is a gift not a prize for obedience. You do not earn a gift, it is simply something that is given by the giver and then at the time of his choosing. God's commandments -- to not fornicate, to forgive, etc. are there because he loves us.
I also started visiting other churches periodically and heard messages on the grace and goodness of God. I started focusing on enjoying God. At the same time, I made myself listen to the words of rebuke, even when I didn't want to. Even though no emotions were behind my words, I repented. I asked God to give me a sincere heart, a clean heart. I asked him to bring the love emotions back again.
Little by little, he started bringing revival to my heart. Today, I am focusing relationship with God. To be honest, although I attend church regularly, I really don't want to attend my church. I'm there strictly out of obedience. But the relationship with God is now different. I don't think that we can ever really go back to the first feelings with the Lord. Like marriage, I think that over time, with deeper experience, the "feelings" are a bit deeper, a bit sweeter, a bit more profound because we learn that love is not really based on feelings, if that makes sense, but on the Lord himself.
I've shared quite a bit, I do hope that some of it is relevant to you or to others; and was helpful in some way.
Take care and God bless, "
Monday, September 19, 2005
Losing hope? Read this post...
Recently, I posted in a Christian Forums and shared about my struggles. My disappointments, my hurts, my dilemmas, etc. Then, there was this helpful lady who replied and shared her struggles. I don't have to say much.
HER POST:
This distance feeling sometimes comes after a spiritual high. Sometimes it seems like God hides himself. I can't biblically prove it off of the top of my head, but I know that God woos us and I think his "hiding" of himself is a time when we "woo" God; like lovers do (Song of Solomon) as God is the lover of our souls. Sometimes we neglect the relationship and that creates distance. But, sometimes this rotting feeling comes from having sin in our lives.
I recently came through a period just like what you explained. I'll share my story in hopes that it will be helpful to you or to someone else reading this. I felt the distance from God too, like I didn't want to serve anymore, like everything in church was such a drag. I didn't want to hear rebuke. I was just going through the motions and felt like my insides were rotting out. I asked for help, but strangely, no one seemed to hear me.
For me, my fustrations over my unfulfilled desires for marriage, intimacy, companionship, were drawing me away. There was unforgiveness too against God. I felt that God wasn't being fair to me, wasn't rewarding me for being faithful. I did everything that singles are told to do, work on being whole, run hard after God, etc. Yet people who didn't do any of this were getting married all around me. So, I felt cheated, resentful and lied to. Very few people really knew the depth of my disappointment with God, and those that did kind of brushed it under the rug because on the outside I looked to be successful and godly and I looked like I had it all together. Plus I think, it made them uncomfortable.
Mind you, in the midst of this struggle, I was hearing from the Lord, serving, helping people. Yet, I didn't want to hear anyone lecturing me and preaching at me. I still grate at the "wait on the Lord" speech from those who got married when they were 22. I was angry at God and started to revert to old behaviors that I thought were gone (cursing, watching ungodly shows, etc.) I did these things secretly, but they would seep out once in a while. I didn't want to strive for holiness or righteousness anymore and had a "whatever" attitude towards God.
Then, a totally hot, but unsaved man who I was extremely attracted to started making advances. When he'd smile and his eyes would twinkle, my thoughts scrambled and I would just melt. When he flirted with me outwardly I remained businesslike, but inwardly I was so flattered and tempted and I think he knew it. I was playing with fire and felt myself moving closer and closer to compromise. This was not love. I knew that long term we were incompatible. I just plain-old wanted him and I knew if I gave him the signal that I could have him. In my heart I really wanted Mr. Right, but was ready settle for Mr. Right Now to satisfy my curiousity. I was tired of waiting and walking uprightly and felt like I was just wasting my time.
In the midst of all of this, I was in the church serving in 5 different ministries. No one really knew about my struggles. I felt like every time I came to church people just wanted to use me to do something for them. I rarely got a phone call unless someone wanted something. An extra pair of hands, teaching, singing, listening to others, praying for others, offering some service. I did these things and then some because I thought this is what Christians are supposed to do. But most of those people didn't really care about me as a person or about my calling from the Lord. They just wanted to get their things done. So, I started to stay away from church, only going when I had to. My love for God continued to colder and colder until I regretted that I had ever become a Christian. But it wasn't the church that made my love grow cold, it had been happening for a long time; it had been growing out of my erroneous notion that if I did x then God would do y. I felt like God just wanted me to work, work, work, while he withheld my hearts desire for love and fulfillment from me.
So ... what happened?
First, I did what you are doing now. I started asking people to pray for me. I didn't really want to, but I asked them to do it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't trust everyone with the details, just a few mature, godly women (I didn't feel it would be wisdom to tell a man) that I knew were discreet and that truly loved me. I confessed my thoughts and desires to them. They didn't judge or lecture me. They told me what was right; simply and with love. Then they prayed for me. I'm so grateful for that. Within a week, the hot guy stopped pursuing me, although my desire for him still remained. I was so disappointed, but I made myself keep distance from him and what was blossoming, died. In fact, our paths will no longer cross as I'm moving to a new assignment. When I said goodbye to him, God was able to give me the strength to maintain my composure and distance. Right before I left, another man, an unbeliever who had really given me a hard time about my faith, commended me on my walk and character. He encouraged me to not yield to temptation and to not compromise. He didn't know anything about my situation because I've never shared anything personal with him. So it was an encouragement from the Lord. It humbled me to think of what could have happened had it not been for the prayers of those mature saints.
Next, I cut back on the busy church stuff and started focusing more on the Lord. I started doing things like taking time to appreciate the beauty of creation, and talking to the Lord in little short prayers (thank you Lord for this beautiful day). I started physically resting and putting balance in my life. I am in the process of seeking God to see which ministries he truly wants me to serve in. I started intentionally enjoying life. And I focused on reconnecting with God. I prayed that the Lord would reignite the fire for him.
I then had to deal with the issues that drew me away. Unforgiveness towards God and lust. Although I knew I was sinning inwardly, I couldn't see exactly why premarital sex, why lust was wrong. So I prayed and asked God to show me why, in practical terms. Besides it being wrong simply because God said so, He started teaching me about the consequences beyond pregnancy and STDs and about his protection and love. There is no condom for your heart, for your spirit, for your emotions. The "protection" is within the marriage relationship, one that is brought together by God. I saw that God was not withholding from me and that marriage, like singleness, is a gift not a prize for obedience. You do not earn a gift, it is simply something that is given by the giver and then at the time of his choosing. God's commandments -- to not fornicate, to forgive, etc. are there because he loves us.
I also started visiting other churches periodically and heard messages on the grace and goodness of God. I started focusing on enjoying God. At the same time, I made myself listen to the words of rebuke, even when I didn't want to. Even though no emotions were behind my words, I repented. I asked God to give me a sincere heart, a clean heart. I asked him to bring the love emotions back again.
Little by little, he started bringing revival to my heart. Today, I am focusing relationship with God. To be honest, although I attend church regularly, I really don't want to attend my church. I'm there strictly out of obedience. But the relationship with God is now different. I don't think that we can ever really go back to the first feelings with the Lord. Like marriage, I think that over time, with deeper experience, the "feelings" are a bit deeper, a bit sweeter, a bit more profound because we learn that love is not really based on feelings, if that makes sense, but on the Lord himself.
I've shared quite a bit, I do hope that some of it is relevant to you or to others; and was helpful in some way.
Take care and God bless, "
HER POST:
This distance feeling sometimes comes after a spiritual high. Sometimes it seems like God hides himself. I can't biblically prove it off of the top of my head, but I know that God woos us and I think his "hiding" of himself is a time when we "woo" God; like lovers do (Song of Solomon) as God is the lover of our souls. Sometimes we neglect the relationship and that creates distance. But, sometimes this rotting feeling comes from having sin in our lives.
I recently came through a period just like what you explained. I'll share my story in hopes that it will be helpful to you or to someone else reading this. I felt the distance from God too, like I didn't want to serve anymore, like everything in church was such a drag. I didn't want to hear rebuke. I was just going through the motions and felt like my insides were rotting out. I asked for help, but strangely, no one seemed to hear me.
For me, my fustrations over my unfulfilled desires for marriage, intimacy, companionship, were drawing me away. There was unforgiveness too against God. I felt that God wasn't being fair to me, wasn't rewarding me for being faithful. I did everything that singles are told to do, work on being whole, run hard after God, etc. Yet people who didn't do any of this were getting married all around me. So, I felt cheated, resentful and lied to. Very few people really knew the depth of my disappointment with God, and those that did kind of brushed it under the rug because on the outside I looked to be successful and godly and I looked like I had it all together. Plus I think, it made them uncomfortable.
Mind you, in the midst of this struggle, I was hearing from the Lord, serving, helping people. Yet, I didn't want to hear anyone lecturing me and preaching at me. I still grate at the "wait on the Lord" speech from those who got married when they were 22. I was angry at God and started to revert to old behaviors that I thought were gone (cursing, watching ungodly shows, etc.) I did these things secretly, but they would seep out once in a while. I didn't want to strive for holiness or righteousness anymore and had a "whatever" attitude towards God.
Then, a totally hot, but unsaved man who I was extremely attracted to started making advances. When he'd smile and his eyes would twinkle, my thoughts scrambled and I would just melt. When he flirted with me outwardly I remained businesslike, but inwardly I was so flattered and tempted and I think he knew it. I was playing with fire and felt myself moving closer and closer to compromise. This was not love. I knew that long term we were incompatible. I just plain-old wanted him and I knew if I gave him the signal that I could have him. In my heart I really wanted Mr. Right, but was ready settle for Mr. Right Now to satisfy my curiousity. I was tired of waiting and walking uprightly and felt like I was just wasting my time.
In the midst of all of this, I was in the church serving in 5 different ministries. No one really knew about my struggles. I felt like every time I came to church people just wanted to use me to do something for them. I rarely got a phone call unless someone wanted something. An extra pair of hands, teaching, singing, listening to others, praying for others, offering some service. I did these things and then some because I thought this is what Christians are supposed to do. But most of those people didn't really care about me as a person or about my calling from the Lord. They just wanted to get their things done. So, I started to stay away from church, only going when I had to. My love for God continued to colder and colder until I regretted that I had ever become a Christian. But it wasn't the church that made my love grow cold, it had been happening for a long time; it had been growing out of my erroneous notion that if I did x then God would do y. I felt like God just wanted me to work, work, work, while he withheld my hearts desire for love and fulfillment from me.
So ... what happened?
First, I did what you are doing now. I started asking people to pray for me. I didn't really want to, but I asked them to do it anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn't trust everyone with the details, just a few mature, godly women (I didn't feel it would be wisdom to tell a man) that I knew were discreet and that truly loved me. I confessed my thoughts and desires to them. They didn't judge or lecture me. They told me what was right; simply and with love. Then they prayed for me. I'm so grateful for that. Within a week, the hot guy stopped pursuing me, although my desire for him still remained. I was so disappointed, but I made myself keep distance from him and what was blossoming, died. In fact, our paths will no longer cross as I'm moving to a new assignment. When I said goodbye to him, God was able to give me the strength to maintain my composure and distance. Right before I left, another man, an unbeliever who had really given me a hard time about my faith, commended me on my walk and character. He encouraged me to not yield to temptation and to not compromise. He didn't know anything about my situation because I've never shared anything personal with him. So it was an encouragement from the Lord. It humbled me to think of what could have happened had it not been for the prayers of those mature saints.
Next, I cut back on the busy church stuff and started focusing more on the Lord. I started doing things like taking time to appreciate the beauty of creation, and talking to the Lord in little short prayers (thank you Lord for this beautiful day). I started physically resting and putting balance in my life. I am in the process of seeking God to see which ministries he truly wants me to serve in. I started intentionally enjoying life. And I focused on reconnecting with God. I prayed that the Lord would reignite the fire for him.
I then had to deal with the issues that drew me away. Unforgiveness towards God and lust. Although I knew I was sinning inwardly, I couldn't see exactly why premarital sex, why lust was wrong. So I prayed and asked God to show me why, in practical terms. Besides it being wrong simply because God said so, He started teaching me about the consequences beyond pregnancy and STDs and about his protection and love. There is no condom for your heart, for your spirit, for your emotions. The "protection" is within the marriage relationship, one that is brought together by God. I saw that God was not withholding from me and that marriage, like singleness, is a gift not a prize for obedience. You do not earn a gift, it is simply something that is given by the giver and then at the time of his choosing. God's commandments -- to not fornicate, to forgive, etc. are there because he loves us.
I also started visiting other churches periodically and heard messages on the grace and goodness of God. I started focusing on enjoying God. At the same time, I made myself listen to the words of rebuke, even when I didn't want to. Even though no emotions were behind my words, I repented. I asked God to give me a sincere heart, a clean heart. I asked him to bring the love emotions back again.
Little by little, he started bringing revival to my heart. Today, I am focusing relationship with God. To be honest, although I attend church regularly, I really don't want to attend my church. I'm there strictly out of obedience. But the relationship with God is now different. I don't think that we can ever really go back to the first feelings with the Lord. Like marriage, I think that over time, with deeper experience, the "feelings" are a bit deeper, a bit sweeter, a bit more profound because we learn that love is not really based on feelings, if that makes sense, but on the Lord himself.
I've shared quite a bit, I do hope that some of it is relevant to you or to others; and was helpful in some way.
Take care and God bless, "
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
When I say... " I am a Christian"
When I say... " I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
When I say... " I am a Christian"
When I say... " I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'"
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Life's a journey, never a cruise...
Like what the title suggests, life is definitely not a cruise. Many a times, I have always wanted things to be smooth sailing or simply put, "If I do this and that, I must be able to get this outcome." However, I do realise that having this kind of mentality can really be damaging to the heart and soul! Knowning that I have gone through the standard and necessary steps, which need to be taken, but ultimately, the kind of ending or results are not what I have expected it to be. Like what Sy Rogers had said, we like to be in control... to know that we are secure.
Like a child, I am grabbing on to my mum, not wanting to let her go, having fear of the things that might happen if I were to lose her. For me, now that I am almost 24 years old, I am no longer holding to my mum, neither my dad nor my siblings. Instead, what I am holding on right now is my comfort, my time, my career and most of all, my current happiness! Due to the fact that life is short and sometimes hard, I cannot see what is more important than having happiness; to enjoy the time you have, the company you are in, the career you are having now and to come home to a happier family. The fact that this is a "broken down" world makes life all the more scary. Nothing you do, even if it is right, may end up with the result you want. Life is unpredictable.
A friend once told me that all he wants in life is happiness. If everything is smooth sailing and if everything works according to his plans, he will be contented. After going through almost a quarter of a century, I know that if happiness is as described by him, I will be a bitter and unhappy man. Why? Becuase most of the time, things don't really work out the way I would like them to be. To make matter worse, nothing is smooth sailing.
Having said so much, I began to ask myself what I really want in life. I want happiness. Happiness is a very general thing, which everyone wants. Then I asked myself, "What kind of happiness do you want then?" I pondered and began to search through the history of my life, the times when I was really happy and free. I realised that happiness is not that all complicated. Happiness is the simple act to appreciating everything that is around you. I knew it all along that I am happy whenever I am in His presence. This is ONE and ONLY thing I am not willing to lose. Next, family is the next thing I know I need... This is another thing that I have to accept. However, apart from these two, I was ready to let everything go! However, despite its commitments, I know that I have a group of people whom I do really cherish and love in church. Then I began to ask myself another question, "Do you think that you will be able to learn so much about God if you were to leave this church?" This question really made me think. I know that it is not in the worship, praise or even the jumping style City Harvest Church adopts. Rather, it is the presence that really draws me. The thick and tangible presence of God in this church created doors for me. I have a decision to open or to let the door be closed. It is not like it is an open door, where I do not even have to make a decision.
This is not a hard decision that I have to make. At the same time, it is not an easy decision for me to make. However, it is there and then that I realised that this is what happiness is all about. Forsaking all, I trust in Him. I can be happy if I don't feel so insecure about my life, how people look at me, how much control and certainty I want in my life. I really like what Sy Rogers preached last friday. We cannot know how the ocean is like but we can certainly know a few facts about it. It is salty and wet. Similarly, I can't really grasp what God is trying to do in my life; why He is letting me go through all these; why did He make me the way I am... but I do know that He is love and He is good. He will take responsibilities. I do not want to be a self-made Superman who will always undertake any given responsibilities. Rather, I want to be like Spiderman in Spiderman 2, doing all that he can within his means.
Love, this is a powerful word. I guess we are all created to love. We love our lives, our career, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our spouse... etc. Ultimately, I believe that we are all searching for this one true love. Alot of times, when I read the following verse, I will think of why do I need to do all these... How can I be so perfect...
1 Cor 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
(from New International Version)
How can I be what the verses want me to be? There will always be this human side of me. Everytime when I look at it, it stirs me up and at the same time, it discouraged me... talk about the Word being a double-edged sword. However, during cellgroup last week, my first in a month plus of absence, God told me that He wanted me to see it in another perspective... He wanted me know that He was not asking me to be all those but He wants me know that He is all those! He reminded me of the following verse:
1 John 4:16
16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
(from New International Version)
Therefore, I began to put God in the following verse... and faith began to arise within me.
1 Cor 13:4-8 (What God wants me to see)
4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud.
5 God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.
6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 God never fails.
(from New International Version)
Like a child, I am grabbing on to my mum, not wanting to let her go, having fear of the things that might happen if I were to lose her. For me, now that I am almost 24 years old, I am no longer holding to my mum, neither my dad nor my siblings. Instead, what I am holding on right now is my comfort, my time, my career and most of all, my current happiness! Due to the fact that life is short and sometimes hard, I cannot see what is more important than having happiness; to enjoy the time you have, the company you are in, the career you are having now and to come home to a happier family. The fact that this is a "broken down" world makes life all the more scary. Nothing you do, even if it is right, may end up with the result you want. Life is unpredictable.
A friend once told me that all he wants in life is happiness. If everything is smooth sailing and if everything works according to his plans, he will be contented. After going through almost a quarter of a century, I know that if happiness is as described by him, I will be a bitter and unhappy man. Why? Becuase most of the time, things don't really work out the way I would like them to be. To make matter worse, nothing is smooth sailing.
Having said so much, I began to ask myself what I really want in life. I want happiness. Happiness is a very general thing, which everyone wants. Then I asked myself, "What kind of happiness do you want then?" I pondered and began to search through the history of my life, the times when I was really happy and free. I realised that happiness is not that all complicated. Happiness is the simple act to appreciating everything that is around you. I knew it all along that I am happy whenever I am in His presence. This is ONE and ONLY thing I am not willing to lose. Next, family is the next thing I know I need... This is another thing that I have to accept. However, apart from these two, I was ready to let everything go! However, despite its commitments, I know that I have a group of people whom I do really cherish and love in church. Then I began to ask myself another question, "Do you think that you will be able to learn so much about God if you were to leave this church?" This question really made me think. I know that it is not in the worship, praise or even the jumping style City Harvest Church adopts. Rather, it is the presence that really draws me. The thick and tangible presence of God in this church created doors for me. I have a decision to open or to let the door be closed. It is not like it is an open door, where I do not even have to make a decision.
This is not a hard decision that I have to make. At the same time, it is not an easy decision for me to make. However, it is there and then that I realised that this is what happiness is all about. Forsaking all, I trust in Him. I can be happy if I don't feel so insecure about my life, how people look at me, how much control and certainty I want in my life. I really like what Sy Rogers preached last friday. We cannot know how the ocean is like but we can certainly know a few facts about it. It is salty and wet. Similarly, I can't really grasp what God is trying to do in my life; why He is letting me go through all these; why did He make me the way I am... but I do know that He is love and He is good. He will take responsibilities. I do not want to be a self-made Superman who will always undertake any given responsibilities. Rather, I want to be like Spiderman in Spiderman 2, doing all that he can within his means.
Love, this is a powerful word. I guess we are all created to love. We love our lives, our career, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our spouse... etc. Ultimately, I believe that we are all searching for this one true love. Alot of times, when I read the following verse, I will think of why do I need to do all these... How can I be so perfect...
1 Cor 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
(from New International Version)
How can I be what the verses want me to be? There will always be this human side of me. Everytime when I look at it, it stirs me up and at the same time, it discouraged me... talk about the Word being a double-edged sword. However, during cellgroup last week, my first in a month plus of absence, God told me that He wanted me to see it in another perspective... He wanted me know that He was not asking me to be all those but He wants me know that He is all those! He reminded me of the following verse:
1 John 4:16
16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
(from New International Version)
Therefore, I began to put God in the following verse... and faith began to arise within me.
1 Cor 13:4-8 (What God wants me to see)
4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud.
5 God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.
6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 God never fails.
(from New International Version)
Life's a journey, never a cruise...
Like what the title suggests, life is definitely not a cruise. Many a times, I have always wanted things to be smooth sailing or simply put, "If I do this and that, I must be able to get this outcome." However, I do realise that having this kind of mentality can really be damaging to the heart and soul! Knowning that I have gone through the standard and necessary steps, which need to be taken, but ultimately, the kind of ending or results are not what I have expected it to be. Like what Sy Rogers had said, we like to be in control... to know that we are secure.
Like a child, I am grabbing on to my mum, not wanting to let her go, having fear of the things that might happen if I were to lose her. For me, now that I am almost 24 years old, I am no longer holding to my mum, neither my dad nor my siblings. Instead, what I am holding on right now is my comfort, my time, my career and most of all, my current happiness! Due to the fact that life is short and sometimes hard, I cannot see what is more important than having happiness; to enjoy the time you have, the company you are in, the career you are having now and to come home to a happier family. The fact that this is a "broken down" world makes life all the more scary. Nothing you do, even if it is right, may end up with the result you want. Life is unpredictable.
A friend once told me that all he wants in life is happiness. If everything is smooth sailing and if everything works according to his plans, he will be contented. After going through almost a quarter of a century, I know that if happiness is as described by him, I will be a bitter and unhappy man. Why? Becuase most of the time, things don't really work out the way I would like them to be. To make matter worse, nothing is smooth sailing.
Having said so much, I began to ask myself what I really want in life. I want happiness. Happiness is a very general thing, which everyone wants. Then I asked myself, "What kind of happiness do you want then?" I pondered and began to search through the history of my life, the times when I was really happy and free. I realised that happiness is not that all complicated. Happiness is the simple act to appreciating everything that is around you. I knew it all along that I am happy whenever I am in His presence. This is ONE and ONLY thing I am not willing to lose. Next, family is the next thing I know I need... This is another thing that I have to accept. However, apart from these two, I was ready to let everything go! However, despite its commitments, I know that I have a group of people whom I do really cherish and love in church. Then I began to ask myself another question, "Do you think that you will be able to learn so much about God if you were to leave this church?" This question really made me think. I know that it is not in the worship, praise or even the jumping style City Harvest Church adopts. Rather, it is the presence that really draws me. The thick and tangible presence of God in this church created doors for me. I have a decision to open or to let the door be closed. It is not like it is an open door, where I do not even have to make a decision.
This is not a hard decision that I have to make. At the same time, it is not an easy decision for me to make. However, it is there and then that I realised that this is what happiness is all about. Forsaking all, I trust in Him. I can be happy if I don't feel so insecure about my life, how people look at me, how much control and certainty I want in my life. I really like what Sy Rogers preached last friday. We cannot know how the ocean is like but we can certainly know a few facts about it. It is salty and wet. Similarly, I can't really grasp what God is trying to do in my life; why He is letting me go through all these; why did He make me the way I am... but I do know that He is love and He is good. He will take responsibilities. I do not want to be a self-made Superman who will always undertake any given responsibilities. Rather, I want to be like Spiderman in Spiderman 2, doing all that he can within his means.
Love, this is a powerful word. I guess we are all created to love. We love our lives, our career, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our spouse... etc. Ultimately, I believe that we are all searching for this one true love. Alot of times, when I read the following verse, I will think of why do I need to do all these... How can I be so perfect...
1 Cor 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
(from New International Version)
How can I be what the verses want me to be? There will always be this human side of me. Everytime when I look at it, it stirs me up and at the same time, it discouraged me... talk about the Word being a double-edged sword. However, during cellgroup last week, my first in a month plus of absence, God told me that He wanted me to see it in another perspective... He wanted me know that He was not asking me to be all those but He wants me know that He is all those! He reminded me of the following verse:
1 John 4:16
16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
(from New International Version)
Therefore, I began to put God in the following verse... and faith began to arise within me.
1 Cor 13:4-8 (What God wants me to see)
4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud.
5 God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.
6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 God never fails.
(from New International Version)
Like a child, I am grabbing on to my mum, not wanting to let her go, having fear of the things that might happen if I were to lose her. For me, now that I am almost 24 years old, I am no longer holding to my mum, neither my dad nor my siblings. Instead, what I am holding on right now is my comfort, my time, my career and most of all, my current happiness! Due to the fact that life is short and sometimes hard, I cannot see what is more important than having happiness; to enjoy the time you have, the company you are in, the career you are having now and to come home to a happier family. The fact that this is a "broken down" world makes life all the more scary. Nothing you do, even if it is right, may end up with the result you want. Life is unpredictable.
A friend once told me that all he wants in life is happiness. If everything is smooth sailing and if everything works according to his plans, he will be contented. After going through almost a quarter of a century, I know that if happiness is as described by him, I will be a bitter and unhappy man. Why? Becuase most of the time, things don't really work out the way I would like them to be. To make matter worse, nothing is smooth sailing.
Having said so much, I began to ask myself what I really want in life. I want happiness. Happiness is a very general thing, which everyone wants. Then I asked myself, "What kind of happiness do you want then?" I pondered and began to search through the history of my life, the times when I was really happy and free. I realised that happiness is not that all complicated. Happiness is the simple act to appreciating everything that is around you. I knew it all along that I am happy whenever I am in His presence. This is ONE and ONLY thing I am not willing to lose. Next, family is the next thing I know I need... This is another thing that I have to accept. However, apart from these two, I was ready to let everything go! However, despite its commitments, I know that I have a group of people whom I do really cherish and love in church. Then I began to ask myself another question, "Do you think that you will be able to learn so much about God if you were to leave this church?" This question really made me think. I know that it is not in the worship, praise or even the jumping style City Harvest Church adopts. Rather, it is the presence that really draws me. The thick and tangible presence of God in this church created doors for me. I have a decision to open or to let the door be closed. It is not like it is an open door, where I do not even have to make a decision.
This is not a hard decision that I have to make. At the same time, it is not an easy decision for me to make. However, it is there and then that I realised that this is what happiness is all about. Forsaking all, I trust in Him. I can be happy if I don't feel so insecure about my life, how people look at me, how much control and certainty I want in my life. I really like what Sy Rogers preached last friday. We cannot know how the ocean is like but we can certainly know a few facts about it. It is salty and wet. Similarly, I can't really grasp what God is trying to do in my life; why He is letting me go through all these; why did He make me the way I am... but I do know that He is love and He is good. He will take responsibilities. I do not want to be a self-made Superman who will always undertake any given responsibilities. Rather, I want to be like Spiderman in Spiderman 2, doing all that he can within his means.
Love, this is a powerful word. I guess we are all created to love. We love our lives, our career, our boyfriends, our girlfriends, our spouse... etc. Ultimately, I believe that we are all searching for this one true love. Alot of times, when I read the following verse, I will think of why do I need to do all these... How can I be so perfect...
1 Cor 13:4-8
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
(from New International Version)
How can I be what the verses want me to be? There will always be this human side of me. Everytime when I look at it, it stirs me up and at the same time, it discouraged me... talk about the Word being a double-edged sword. However, during cellgroup last week, my first in a month plus of absence, God told me that He wanted me to see it in another perspective... He wanted me know that He was not asking me to be all those but He wants me know that He is all those! He reminded me of the following verse:
1 John 4:16
16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
(from New International Version)
Therefore, I began to put God in the following verse... and faith began to arise within me.
1 Cor 13:4-8 (What God wants me to see)
4 God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud.
5 God is not rude, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs.
6 God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 God never fails.
(from New International Version)
Saturday, August 13, 2005
F.A.I.T.H... Not as easy as it seems!
"Forsaking All, I trust in Him," the phrase, which I have used for this blog as its title, is not an easy one to behold. Apparently, in short, this phrase makes out to be FAITH! Faith... as simple as it may seem, is something, which I find it hard to grab on to.
Forsaking all, being selfless... putting others before self, letting go of all the past experiences, letting God be my Deliverer... etc. These are the basics of Christianity... the foundation of our spiritual journey with God. Wrong? Yeah... so I guess I am going through my foundations, looking for the cracks, little holes where my faith seems to be seeping out from...
Took a plunge, a step of faith yesterday. During service, I was making decisions during the whole worship session. Should I get myself back into CG, etc. Do I really have the strength or faith to go through with the decision if I were to choose to get myself committed once again. Thoughts flew in and out. Encouraging and inspiring thought rushed into me. I was full of hope and the future started to brighten up. I made the decision. I decided to talk to my CGL and asked him if I can visit thursday CG, so that my weekends will be more freed up, etc.
However, after everything was said and settled, even committing myself to visit my choir IC's CG, fear started to rush in. Faith began to crumble. Everything seem to be impossible once again. I was so scared. I was really unsure if I can actually go through with the decision that I have made. However, after reading a chapter of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life book, which I have been doing lately, I decided to give this a shot, not to trust in my emotions, fears, etc but to really go through with it, trusting that God will pull me through. I really do not know how it will end up. But one thing for sure, it will be a ride... Having gotten out of the ride once, I am getting back into it again... I do really wish that as I put forward feet, God will help me drag the other leg and direct my paths.
Anyway, I will be visting another church, which my grandpa is attending with my siblings this weekend. I am glad that my siblings are willing to go to church. I do really hope that this weekend will be a blast into our brighter future. As of now, as I am still warring with my mind, having second thoughts about the decisions that I have made, I can only hope and pray. I know that if I make a move, a decision, He will certainly aid me in ways I never thought He would.
2 Tim 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Forsaking all, being selfless... putting others before self, letting go of all the past experiences, letting God be my Deliverer... etc. These are the basics of Christianity... the foundation of our spiritual journey with God. Wrong? Yeah... so I guess I am going through my foundations, looking for the cracks, little holes where my faith seems to be seeping out from...
Took a plunge, a step of faith yesterday. During service, I was making decisions during the whole worship session. Should I get myself back into CG, etc. Do I really have the strength or faith to go through with the decision if I were to choose to get myself committed once again. Thoughts flew in and out. Encouraging and inspiring thought rushed into me. I was full of hope and the future started to brighten up. I made the decision. I decided to talk to my CGL and asked him if I can visit thursday CG, so that my weekends will be more freed up, etc.
However, after everything was said and settled, even committing myself to visit my choir IC's CG, fear started to rush in. Faith began to crumble. Everything seem to be impossible once again. I was so scared. I was really unsure if I can actually go through with the decision that I have made. However, after reading a chapter of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life book, which I have been doing lately, I decided to give this a shot, not to trust in my emotions, fears, etc but to really go through with it, trusting that God will pull me through. I really do not know how it will end up. But one thing for sure, it will be a ride... Having gotten out of the ride once, I am getting back into it again... I do really wish that as I put forward feet, God will help me drag the other leg and direct my paths.
Anyway, I will be visting another church, which my grandpa is attending with my siblings this weekend. I am glad that my siblings are willing to go to church. I do really hope that this weekend will be a blast into our brighter future. As of now, as I am still warring with my mind, having second thoughts about the decisions that I have made, I can only hope and pray. I know that if I make a move, a decision, He will certainly aid me in ways I never thought He would.
2 Tim 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
F.A.I.T.H... Not as easy as it seems!
"Forsaking All, I trust in Him," the phrase, which I have used for this blog as its title, is not an easy one to behold. Apparently, in short, this phrase makes out to be FAITH! Faith... as simple as it may seem, is something, which I find it hard to grab on to.
Forsaking all, being selfless... putting others before self, letting go of all the past experiences, letting God be my Deliverer... etc. These are the basics of Christianity... the foundation of our spiritual journey with God. Wrong? Yeah... so I guess I am going through my foundations, looking for the cracks, little holes where my faith seems to be seeping out from...
Took a plunge, a step of faith yesterday. During service, I was making decisions during the whole worship session. Should I get myself back into CG, etc. Do I really have the strength or faith to go through with the decision if I were to choose to get myself committed once again. Thoughts flew in and out. Encouraging and inspiring thought rushed into me. I was full of hope and the future started to brighten up. I made the decision. I decided to talk to my CGL and asked him if I can visit thursday CG, so that my weekends will be more freed up, etc.
However, after everything was said and settled, even committing myself to visit my choir IC's CG, fear started to rush in. Faith began to crumble. Everything seem to be impossible once again. I was so scared. I was really unsure if I can actually go through with the decision that I have made. However, after reading a chapter of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life book, which I have been doing lately, I decided to give this a shot, not to trust in my emotions, fears, etc but to really go through with it, trusting that God will pull me through. I really do not know how it will end up. But one thing for sure, it will be a ride... Having gotten out of the ride once, I am getting back into it again... I do really wish that as I put forward feet, God will help me drag the other leg and direct my paths.
Anyway, I will be visting another church, which my grandpa is attending with my siblings this weekend. I am glad that my siblings are willing to go to church. I do really hope that this weekend will be a blast into our brighter future. As of now, as I am still warring with my mind, having second thoughts about the decisions that I have made, I can only hope and pray. I know that if I make a move, a decision, He will certainly aid me in ways I never thought He would.
2 Tim 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Forsaking all, being selfless... putting others before self, letting go of all the past experiences, letting God be my Deliverer... etc. These are the basics of Christianity... the foundation of our spiritual journey with God. Wrong? Yeah... so I guess I am going through my foundations, looking for the cracks, little holes where my faith seems to be seeping out from...
Took a plunge, a step of faith yesterday. During service, I was making decisions during the whole worship session. Should I get myself back into CG, etc. Do I really have the strength or faith to go through with the decision if I were to choose to get myself committed once again. Thoughts flew in and out. Encouraging and inspiring thought rushed into me. I was full of hope and the future started to brighten up. I made the decision. I decided to talk to my CGL and asked him if I can visit thursday CG, so that my weekends will be more freed up, etc.
However, after everything was said and settled, even committing myself to visit my choir IC's CG, fear started to rush in. Faith began to crumble. Everything seem to be impossible once again. I was so scared. I was really unsure if I can actually go through with the decision that I have made. However, after reading a chapter of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life book, which I have been doing lately, I decided to give this a shot, not to trust in my emotions, fears, etc but to really go through with it, trusting that God will pull me through. I really do not know how it will end up. But one thing for sure, it will be a ride... Having gotten out of the ride once, I am getting back into it again... I do really wish that as I put forward feet, God will help me drag the other leg and direct my paths.
Anyway, I will be visting another church, which my grandpa is attending with my siblings this weekend. I am glad that my siblings are willing to go to church. I do really hope that this weekend will be a blast into our brighter future. As of now, as I am still warring with my mind, having second thoughts about the decisions that I have made, I can only hope and pray. I know that if I make a move, a decision, He will certainly aid me in ways I never thought He would.
2 Tim 1:7
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Sunday, August 07, 2005
cuTey Toonz
The way you present a message actually does matter! Just look at these! Gentle, inspiring and they simply make you re-assess yourself!
cuTey Toonz
The way you present a message actually does matter! Just look at these! Gentle, inspiring and they simply make you re-assess yourself!
Saturday, July 30, 2005
What a BeAuTiFul Day! =)
The dark clouds are floating away, revealing a beautiful and majestic sun... that brings light into this small world of mine! I must really say how blessed I am to be able sit here, listening to Corrine May's songs... I am really just letting this beautiful moment gets into my soul, enjoying every seconds of it...
"I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe"
Woke up early this morning, at around 9:30am just to pack my room and to vaccum the floor, basically, helping out in the household chores... which I have been trying to run away from for the past few years... haha... Not that I am loving it now, but it is just the joy of being able to be a blessing in this family of mine that made me want to love it. Slow steps was what Sister Sandy said. This is one of the slow steps, which I believe I am taking, not wanting to overwhelm myself with stress and stuffs. I did sweat alot during the course of vaccuming the whole house and that I really enjoyed! Haha... Had an hour of workout by vaccuming plus a happier mother at the end of this service that I had done! =) It certainly feels great to be able to take on small steps towards loving my family. As you can see, I am all smiles and I do love this wonderful day... I am certainly looking forward to every minutes of the remaining day.
I was surprised that I was able to wake up at 9:30am, considering I had a long chat with Sister Sandy all the way until the wee hours of the night.... reached home at around 1am... and after finishing my shower and stuff, it was already 1:30am. Oh... I did not sleep immediately though... entertained myself for another 45 mins before deciding that I needed to end the day!
The chat with Sister Sandy was ReFreshing! She really touched my spirit and heart... causing me to break down from the inside out. Really never wanted her to know about the state that I am in... for fear of disappointing her. It is like you never want to let your loved ones know that you are struggling even though you know that they will care. She was one of the few whom I really love and and cherish in church. Sister Sandy was very funny throughout the chat that we had! Haha... I could really feel that she was trying to be careful with the words that she was using, always seeking to let her love touch me instead of the message that she was trying to convey. One thing that she said, which really touched me was this, "Please do not think that I am here to challenge or to push you; the reason I am here is that I want to make a commitment with you, not wanting you to make silly decisions." My whole spirit just exploded when the love behind that word entered my being. She is simply great!!
When I first came to church, I never thought that I am going to have such a beautiful relationship with one of the KEY person in church. She was like so far away, like an idol whom you will be happy just to be in the same sanctuary as she is in, let alone the thought of having a friendship with her. We do have a leader to member relationship, yet on top of that, there is the trust in this relationship like those will have between two close friends. I cannot empasis how much I cherish this relationship. As I was sharing with her about this relationship that I have with her, it made me realise that God was once far-fetched, never thought that He will come down to my level, to know me personally... to commune and to embrace me, but I was wrong. =) Just like God, Sister Sandy showed me this kind of unconditional love. She loved me for who I am, no matter how imperfect I am, she is willing to love me just as much. God is indeed love and like what Pst Mike shared, your loving actions will flow out of the love that's within you. We had a great time. She opened herself up to me too, by sharing some of the more personal stuff about her with me. I have to say that am honored to have her shared so much with. She didn't have to but she chose to!
Burdens started to lift up, faith started to arise... At last, this grim task of wanting to be a blessing in the family started to surface from the blurry water that it was in previously. Throughout the course of the conversation, I come to the realisation that I was actually my greatest enemy. I was always the one condemning myself, the one who told me how bad it was. I became the devil's advocate. In fact, I became one of his best, the secret weapon to destroying my soul. How difficult one can get things into perspective when you, yourself is coming to you with all the "truths" that apparently made sense. However, in this case, the "truths" made me worse and caused me to fall back further in the dark, cold shadows; made embracing the truths a daunting task!
Praise God for Sister Sandy. Thank God for being my God, always waiting patiently for this prodigal son's return. I have now more faith... knowing that I really can walk out of this tunnel. Though I hate this tunnel that embraces darkness, I cannot deny that it made my life more interesting and colourful. Life is full of ups and downs and yes, the ups colour your life but it is the downs that made the colours, the ups brought, even more constrasting and brighter! I am walking down this road of recovery as Sister Sandy would describe it and yes, I am definitely looking forward to a new me. One that loves me even more and one that really do know my position in Christ, His love for me, His preparation that He has done for me in my life! Glory to God. The upcoming weeks will surely be intense as the devil knows that I have picked up my feet to start walking again. I do really pray that I will have the courage to approach the friends that I have to help me through these trying times. Thank God! Hallelujah!
"I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe"
Woke up early this morning, at around 9:30am just to pack my room and to vaccum the floor, basically, helping out in the household chores... which I have been trying to run away from for the past few years... haha... Not that I am loving it now, but it is just the joy of being able to be a blessing in this family of mine that made me want to love it. Slow steps was what Sister Sandy said. This is one of the slow steps, which I believe I am taking, not wanting to overwhelm myself with stress and stuffs. I did sweat alot during the course of vaccuming the whole house and that I really enjoyed! Haha... Had an hour of workout by vaccuming plus a happier mother at the end of this service that I had done! =) It certainly feels great to be able to take on small steps towards loving my family. As you can see, I am all smiles and I do love this wonderful day... I am certainly looking forward to every minutes of the remaining day.
I was surprised that I was able to wake up at 9:30am, considering I had a long chat with Sister Sandy all the way until the wee hours of the night.... reached home at around 1am... and after finishing my shower and stuff, it was already 1:30am. Oh... I did not sleep immediately though... entertained myself for another 45 mins before deciding that I needed to end the day!
The chat with Sister Sandy was ReFreshing! She really touched my spirit and heart... causing me to break down from the inside out. Really never wanted her to know about the state that I am in... for fear of disappointing her. It is like you never want to let your loved ones know that you are struggling even though you know that they will care. She was one of the few whom I really love and and cherish in church. Sister Sandy was very funny throughout the chat that we had! Haha... I could really feel that she was trying to be careful with the words that she was using, always seeking to let her love touch me instead of the message that she was trying to convey. One thing that she said, which really touched me was this, "Please do not think that I am here to challenge or to push you; the reason I am here is that I want to make a commitment with you, not wanting you to make silly decisions." My whole spirit just exploded when the love behind that word entered my being. She is simply great!!
When I first came to church, I never thought that I am going to have such a beautiful relationship with one of the KEY person in church. She was like so far away, like an idol whom you will be happy just to be in the same sanctuary as she is in, let alone the thought of having a friendship with her. We do have a leader to member relationship, yet on top of that, there is the trust in this relationship like those will have between two close friends. I cannot empasis how much I cherish this relationship. As I was sharing with her about this relationship that I have with her, it made me realise that God was once far-fetched, never thought that He will come down to my level, to know me personally... to commune and to embrace me, but I was wrong. =) Just like God, Sister Sandy showed me this kind of unconditional love. She loved me for who I am, no matter how imperfect I am, she is willing to love me just as much. God is indeed love and like what Pst Mike shared, your loving actions will flow out of the love that's within you. We had a great time. She opened herself up to me too, by sharing some of the more personal stuff about her with me. I have to say that am honored to have her shared so much with. She didn't have to but she chose to!
Burdens started to lift up, faith started to arise... At last, this grim task of wanting to be a blessing in the family started to surface from the blurry water that it was in previously. Throughout the course of the conversation, I come to the realisation that I was actually my greatest enemy. I was always the one condemning myself, the one who told me how bad it was. I became the devil's advocate. In fact, I became one of his best, the secret weapon to destroying my soul. How difficult one can get things into perspective when you, yourself is coming to you with all the "truths" that apparently made sense. However, in this case, the "truths" made me worse and caused me to fall back further in the dark, cold shadows; made embracing the truths a daunting task!
Praise God for Sister Sandy. Thank God for being my God, always waiting patiently for this prodigal son's return. I have now more faith... knowing that I really can walk out of this tunnel. Though I hate this tunnel that embraces darkness, I cannot deny that it made my life more interesting and colourful. Life is full of ups and downs and yes, the ups colour your life but it is the downs that made the colours, the ups brought, even more constrasting and brighter! I am walking down this road of recovery as Sister Sandy would describe it and yes, I am definitely looking forward to a new me. One that loves me even more and one that really do know my position in Christ, His love for me, His preparation that He has done for me in my life! Glory to God. The upcoming weeks will surely be intense as the devil knows that I have picked up my feet to start walking again. I do really pray that I will have the courage to approach the friends that I have to help me through these trying times. Thank God! Hallelujah!
What a BeAuTiFul Day! =)
The dark clouds are floating away, revealing a beautiful and majestic sun... that brings light into this small world of mine! I must really say how blessed I am to be able sit here, listening to Corrine May's songs... I am really just letting this beautiful moment gets into my soul, enjoying every seconds of it...
"I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe"
Woke up early this morning, at around 9:30am just to pack my room and to vaccum the floor, basically, helping out in the household chores... which I have been trying to run away from for the past few years... haha... Not that I am loving it now, but it is just the joy of being able to be a blessing in this family of mine that made me want to love it. Slow steps was what Sister Sandy said. This is one of the slow steps, which I believe I am taking, not wanting to overwhelm myself with stress and stuffs. I did sweat alot during the course of vaccuming the whole house and that I really enjoyed! Haha... Had an hour of workout by vaccuming plus a happier mother at the end of this service that I had done! =) It certainly feels great to be able to take on small steps towards loving my family. As you can see, I am all smiles and I do love this wonderful day... I am certainly looking forward to every minutes of the remaining day.
I was surprised that I was able to wake up at 9:30am, considering I had a long chat with Sister Sandy all the way until the wee hours of the night.... reached home at around 1am... and after finishing my shower and stuff, it was already 1:30am. Oh... I did not sleep immediately though... entertained myself for another 45 mins before deciding that I needed to end the day!
The chat with Sister Sandy was ReFreshing! She really touched my spirit and heart... causing me to break down from the inside out. Really never wanted her to know about the state that I am in... for fear of disappointing her. It is like you never want to let your loved ones know that you are struggling even though you know that they will care. She was one of the few whom I really love and and cherish in church. Sister Sandy was very funny throughout the chat that we had! Haha... I could really feel that she was trying to be careful with the words that she was using, always seeking to let her love touch me instead of the message that she was trying to convey. One thing that she said, which really touched me was this, "Please do not think that I am here to challenge or to push you; the reason I am here is that I want to make a commitment with you, not wanting you to make silly decisions." My whole spirit just exploded when the love behind that word entered my being. She is simply great!!
When I first came to church, I never thought that I am going to have such a beautiful relationship with one of the KEY person in church. She was like so far away, like an idol whom you will be happy just to be in the same sanctuary as she is in, let alone the thought of having a friendship with her. We do have a leader to member relationship, yet on top of that, there is the trust in this relationship like those will have between two close friends. I cannot empasis how much I cherish this relationship. As I was sharing with her about this relationship that I have with her, it made me realise that God was once far-fetched, never thought that He will come down to my level, to know me personally... to commune and to embrace me, but I was wrong. =) Just like God, Sister Sandy showed me this kind of unconditional love. She loved me for who I am, no matter how imperfect I am, she is willing to love me just as much. God is indeed love and like what Pst Mike shared, your loving actions will flow out of the love that's within you. We had a great time. She opened herself up to me too, by sharing some of the more personal stuff about her with me. I have to say that am honored to have her shared so much with. She didn't have to but she chose to!
Burdens started to lift up, faith started to arise... At last, this grim task of wanting to be a blessing in the family started to surface from the blurry water that it was in previously. Throughout the course of the conversation, I come to the realisation that I was actually my greatest enemy. I was always the one condemning myself, the one who told me how bad it was. I became the devil's advocate. In fact, I became one of his best, the secret weapon to destroying my soul. How difficult one can get things into perspective when you, yourself is coming to you with all the "truths" that apparently made sense. However, in this case, the "truths" made me worse and caused me to fall back further in the dark, cold shadows; made embracing the truths a daunting task!
Praise God for Sister Sandy. Thank God for being my God, always waiting patiently for this prodigal son's return. I have now more faith... knowing that I really can walk out of this tunnel. Though I hate this tunnel that embraces darkness, I cannot deny that it made my life more interesting and colourful. Life is full of ups and downs and yes, the ups colour your life but it is the downs that made the colours, the ups brought, even more constrasting and brighter! I am walking down this road of recovery as Sister Sandy would describe it and yes, I am definitely looking forward to a new me. One that loves me even more and one that really do know my position in Christ, His love for me, His preparation that He has done for me in my life! Glory to God. The upcoming weeks will surely be intense as the devil knows that I have picked up my feet to start walking again. I do really pray that I will have the courage to approach the friends that I have to help me through these trying times. Thank God! Hallelujah!
"I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe"
Woke up early this morning, at around 9:30am just to pack my room and to vaccum the floor, basically, helping out in the household chores... which I have been trying to run away from for the past few years... haha... Not that I am loving it now, but it is just the joy of being able to be a blessing in this family of mine that made me want to love it. Slow steps was what Sister Sandy said. This is one of the slow steps, which I believe I am taking, not wanting to overwhelm myself with stress and stuffs. I did sweat alot during the course of vaccuming the whole house and that I really enjoyed! Haha... Had an hour of workout by vaccuming plus a happier mother at the end of this service that I had done! =) It certainly feels great to be able to take on small steps towards loving my family. As you can see, I am all smiles and I do love this wonderful day... I am certainly looking forward to every minutes of the remaining day.
I was surprised that I was able to wake up at 9:30am, considering I had a long chat with Sister Sandy all the way until the wee hours of the night.... reached home at around 1am... and after finishing my shower and stuff, it was already 1:30am. Oh... I did not sleep immediately though... entertained myself for another 45 mins before deciding that I needed to end the day!
The chat with Sister Sandy was ReFreshing! She really touched my spirit and heart... causing me to break down from the inside out. Really never wanted her to know about the state that I am in... for fear of disappointing her. It is like you never want to let your loved ones know that you are struggling even though you know that they will care. She was one of the few whom I really love and and cherish in church. Sister Sandy was very funny throughout the chat that we had! Haha... I could really feel that she was trying to be careful with the words that she was using, always seeking to let her love touch me instead of the message that she was trying to convey. One thing that she said, which really touched me was this, "Please do not think that I am here to challenge or to push you; the reason I am here is that I want to make a commitment with you, not wanting you to make silly decisions." My whole spirit just exploded when the love behind that word entered my being. She is simply great!!
When I first came to church, I never thought that I am going to have such a beautiful relationship with one of the KEY person in church. She was like so far away, like an idol whom you will be happy just to be in the same sanctuary as she is in, let alone the thought of having a friendship with her. We do have a leader to member relationship, yet on top of that, there is the trust in this relationship like those will have between two close friends. I cannot empasis how much I cherish this relationship. As I was sharing with her about this relationship that I have with her, it made me realise that God was once far-fetched, never thought that He will come down to my level, to know me personally... to commune and to embrace me, but I was wrong. =) Just like God, Sister Sandy showed me this kind of unconditional love. She loved me for who I am, no matter how imperfect I am, she is willing to love me just as much. God is indeed love and like what Pst Mike shared, your loving actions will flow out of the love that's within you. We had a great time. She opened herself up to me too, by sharing some of the more personal stuff about her with me. I have to say that am honored to have her shared so much with. She didn't have to but she chose to!
Burdens started to lift up, faith started to arise... At last, this grim task of wanting to be a blessing in the family started to surface from the blurry water that it was in previously. Throughout the course of the conversation, I come to the realisation that I was actually my greatest enemy. I was always the one condemning myself, the one who told me how bad it was. I became the devil's advocate. In fact, I became one of his best, the secret weapon to destroying my soul. How difficult one can get things into perspective when you, yourself is coming to you with all the "truths" that apparently made sense. However, in this case, the "truths" made me worse and caused me to fall back further in the dark, cold shadows; made embracing the truths a daunting task!
Praise God for Sister Sandy. Thank God for being my God, always waiting patiently for this prodigal son's return. I have now more faith... knowing that I really can walk out of this tunnel. Though I hate this tunnel that embraces darkness, I cannot deny that it made my life more interesting and colourful. Life is full of ups and downs and yes, the ups colour your life but it is the downs that made the colours, the ups brought, even more constrasting and brighter! I am walking down this road of recovery as Sister Sandy would describe it and yes, I am definitely looking forward to a new me. One that loves me even more and one that really do know my position in Christ, His love for me, His preparation that He has done for me in my life! Glory to God. The upcoming weeks will surely be intense as the devil knows that I have picked up my feet to start walking again. I do really pray that I will have the courage to approach the friends that I have to help me through these trying times. Thank God! Hallelujah!
Friday, July 22, 2005
The Story of Job... Damian's translation =)
I managed to finish my work early today and felt a stirring inside of me. It wanted me to draw something. I was sitting by my desk, wondering and waiting for an inspiration on what exactly to draw... Suddenly, a thought flashed onto the screen in my mind... I can sketch something about Job since I am reading the Book of Job right now and like him, I am facing a crisis in my life... Not really a crisis... just at a crossroad of my life... waiting to make a decision on whether to turn to the left or to the right... :) Anyway, more about me later... enjoy the picture! :)
The Story of Job... Damian's translation =)
I managed to finish my work early today and felt a stirring inside of me. It wanted me to draw something. I was sitting by my desk, wondering and waiting for an inspiration on what exactly to draw... Suddenly, a thought flashed onto the screen in my mind... I can sketch something about Job since I am reading the Book of Job right now and like him, I am facing a crisis in my life... Not really a crisis... just at a crossroad of my life... waiting to make a decision on whether to turn to the left or to the right... :) Anyway, more about me later... enjoy the picture! :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Words from Job... and a "short" update on ME
In the midst of reading the Book of Job. Here are some verses that I really like:
Job 6:25-27
How forceful are right words!
But what does your arguing prove?
Do you intend to rebuke my words,
And the speeches of a desperate one,
which are as wind?
Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless,
And you undermine your friend.
Job 5:17-18
Behold, happy is the man
whom God corrects;
Therefore do not despise the
chastening of the Almighty.
For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole
To be honest, not really feeling great right now... Feeling lost... but the more people "encourage" or should I say challenge, the more I feel like going the other direction... However, I must say that I am thankful that I have these bunch of friends... they are great people. It is just that I am going through some personal struggles... which I do not wish to elaborate.
I cannot say that I like the way I am now... However, I do not despise the state that I am in right now! Seriously... not that I am enjoying... it is just that it makes everything so real! Christianity is not really about church... it is about family, church, relationships and most importantly, GOD!
How wrong was I to think that church is my refuge. It certainly is, to a certain extent! However, I abused church and God, used it to escape from my unhappiness, my hurts and whatever that I think I cannot love!
Waging war with myself now... not exactly myself... just the other side of me... my flesh. When you are in darkness, you will not think that it is the devil... but rather, everything that happens, you will think that it is YOU and YOU alone! Haha... I really cannot deny the clever tactics of the devil. I tripped me... it bruised me and of course, it cause me to fail... However, one thing for sure... he has got to do infinite times much more than that to make me quit!
At the current moment, I am not sure if this is the CHURCH way... but I do really need time alone... time to know myself... time to learn... time to get back up from my fall... time to climb out from my hole... etc... which some of you may think are excuses. To me... that's what I really need now... TIME! I do not wish to shun away from people I love in church... and I will try hard not to do that!
Everyday, I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile with no pretense. That is so precious... and it is certainly hard to wear a smile that does not belong to you... haha... But in all these, I am still hopeful and I am still thanking God.. every single day... How ironic can this be right? hahahaha... trying to find the good in all these bad! :) The other thing I can do beside wallowing in my own misery is to find the little bits and pieces of love around me... waiting in faith that the mighty hand of God will be tangibly upon me soon.
Dear all the friends who love and care for me... I am doing great at work! In fact, I am enjoying every single bit of it. :) If you wanna pray for me, pray that I will have wisdom change the things I can change, including changing myself, and to have the strength and patience to accept the things that I cannot change. A part of me love the me now and the other says that I have to be stronger than now, to be able to shine in my own family, as well as my spiritual family. Of course I know that I should go after the latter and that is why I am battling with myself.
I simply love to blog... never feel more relieved and peaceful... It just simply allows you to pour your soul and there is something true in the saying, "If you keep everything to yourself, it is bad for your health." I find that blogging gives me something that is lacking in human communication, that is if I were to pour my heart out to a human. Blogging is slow to speak and quick to listen... Never hasty on suggestions... always here to let me give my inputs... no matter how sometimes I get too emotional, it is still there... unless of course there is a power failure! Haha. :) Oh... blogging is great... but talking to God is much much more better! Haha... haha... not trying to undermine God in any ways! :) He is the reason why I am going through... because I want to love Him more, to honor Him more... the reason why I am still in and not out! :)
So much for the "short" update on ME. Don't be shock... don't even think you know what I am going through... :) let alone the comments or "encouragements." If you must comment, let it be out of your heart. :) oops... am I a little offensive? Hehe... Nah... I love you guys... =) just look at the number of smileys I put in this whole post, you can guess that I am not intending to be crude or offensive. :) Haha... so long friends... and see ya again, Blog!
Job 6:25-27
How forceful are right words!
But what does your arguing prove?
Do you intend to rebuke my words,
And the speeches of a desperate one,
which are as wind?
Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless,
And you undermine your friend.
Job 5:17-18
Behold, happy is the man
whom God corrects;
Therefore do not despise the
chastening of the Almighty.
For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole
To be honest, not really feeling great right now... Feeling lost... but the more people "encourage" or should I say challenge, the more I feel like going the other direction... However, I must say that I am thankful that I have these bunch of friends... they are great people. It is just that I am going through some personal struggles... which I do not wish to elaborate.
I cannot say that I like the way I am now... However, I do not despise the state that I am in right now! Seriously... not that I am enjoying... it is just that it makes everything so real! Christianity is not really about church... it is about family, church, relationships and most importantly, GOD!
How wrong was I to think that church is my refuge. It certainly is, to a certain extent! However, I abused church and God, used it to escape from my unhappiness, my hurts and whatever that I think I cannot love!
Waging war with myself now... not exactly myself... just the other side of me... my flesh. When you are in darkness, you will not think that it is the devil... but rather, everything that happens, you will think that it is YOU and YOU alone! Haha... I really cannot deny the clever tactics of the devil. I tripped me... it bruised me and of course, it cause me to fail... However, one thing for sure... he has got to do infinite times much more than that to make me quit!
At the current moment, I am not sure if this is the CHURCH way... but I do really need time alone... time to know myself... time to learn... time to get back up from my fall... time to climb out from my hole... etc... which some of you may think are excuses. To me... that's what I really need now... TIME! I do not wish to shun away from people I love in church... and I will try hard not to do that!
Everyday, I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile with no pretense. That is so precious... and it is certainly hard to wear a smile that does not belong to you... haha... But in all these, I am still hopeful and I am still thanking God.. every single day... How ironic can this be right? hahahaha... trying to find the good in all these bad! :) The other thing I can do beside wallowing in my own misery is to find the little bits and pieces of love around me... waiting in faith that the mighty hand of God will be tangibly upon me soon.
Dear all the friends who love and care for me... I am doing great at work! In fact, I am enjoying every single bit of it. :) If you wanna pray for me, pray that I will have wisdom change the things I can change, including changing myself, and to have the strength and patience to accept the things that I cannot change. A part of me love the me now and the other says that I have to be stronger than now, to be able to shine in my own family, as well as my spiritual family. Of course I know that I should go after the latter and that is why I am battling with myself.
I simply love to blog... never feel more relieved and peaceful... It just simply allows you to pour your soul and there is something true in the saying, "If you keep everything to yourself, it is bad for your health." I find that blogging gives me something that is lacking in human communication, that is if I were to pour my heart out to a human. Blogging is slow to speak and quick to listen... Never hasty on suggestions... always here to let me give my inputs... no matter how sometimes I get too emotional, it is still there... unless of course there is a power failure! Haha. :) Oh... blogging is great... but talking to God is much much more better! Haha... haha... not trying to undermine God in any ways! :) He is the reason why I am going through... because I want to love Him more, to honor Him more... the reason why I am still in and not out! :)
So much for the "short" update on ME. Don't be shock... don't even think you know what I am going through... :) let alone the comments or "encouragements." If you must comment, let it be out of your heart. :) oops... am I a little offensive? Hehe... Nah... I love you guys... =) just look at the number of smileys I put in this whole post, you can guess that I am not intending to be crude or offensive. :) Haha... so long friends... and see ya again, Blog!
Words from Job... and a "short" update on ME
In the midst of reading the Book of Job. Here are some verses that I really like:
Job 6:25-27
How forceful are right words!
But what does your arguing prove?
Do you intend to rebuke my words,
And the speeches of a desperate one,
which are as wind?
Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless,
And you undermine your friend.
Job 5:17-18
Behold, happy is the man
whom God corrects;
Therefore do not despise the
chastening of the Almighty.
For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole
To be honest, not really feeling great right now... Feeling lost... but the more people "encourage" or should I say challenge, the more I feel like going the other direction... However, I must say that I am thankful that I have these bunch of friends... they are great people. It is just that I am going through some personal struggles... which I do not wish to elaborate.
I cannot say that I like the way I am now... However, I do not despise the state that I am in right now! Seriously... not that I am enjoying... it is just that it makes everything so real! Christianity is not really about church... it is about family, church, relationships and most importantly, GOD!
How wrong was I to think that church is my refuge. It certainly is, to a certain extent! However, I abused church and God, used it to escape from my unhappiness, my hurts and whatever that I think I cannot love!
Waging war with myself now... not exactly myself... just the other side of me... my flesh. When you are in darkness, you will not think that it is the devil... but rather, everything that happens, you will think that it is YOU and YOU alone! Haha... I really cannot deny the clever tactics of the devil. I tripped me... it bruised me and of course, it cause me to fail... However, one thing for sure... he has got to do infinite times much more than that to make me quit!
At the current moment, I am not sure if this is the CHURCH way... but I do really need time alone... time to know myself... time to learn... time to get back up from my fall... time to climb out from my hole... etc... which some of you may think are excuses. To me... that's what I really need now... TIME! I do not wish to shun away from people I love in church... and I will try hard not to do that!
Everyday, I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile with no pretense. That is so precious... and it is certainly hard to wear a smile that does not belong to you... haha... But in all these, I am still hopeful and I am still thanking God.. every single day... How ironic can this be right? hahahaha... trying to find the good in all these bad! :) The other thing I can do beside wallowing in my own misery is to find the little bits and pieces of love around me... waiting in faith that the mighty hand of God will be tangibly upon me soon.
Dear all the friends who love and care for me... I am doing great at work! In fact, I am enjoying every single bit of it. :) If you wanna pray for me, pray that I will have wisdom change the things I can change, including changing myself, and to have the strength and patience to accept the things that I cannot change. A part of me love the me now and the other says that I have to be stronger than now, to be able to shine in my own family, as well as my spiritual family. Of course I know that I should go after the latter and that is why I am battling with myself.
I simply love to blog... never feel more relieved and peaceful... It just simply allows you to pour your soul and there is something true in the saying, "If you keep everything to yourself, it is bad for your health." I find that blogging gives me something that is lacking in human communication, that is if I were to pour my heart out to a human. Blogging is slow to speak and quick to listen... Never hasty on suggestions... always here to let me give my inputs... no matter how sometimes I get too emotional, it is still there... unless of course there is a power failure! Haha. :) Oh... blogging is great... but talking to God is much much more better! Haha... haha... not trying to undermine God in any ways! :) He is the reason why I am going through... because I want to love Him more, to honor Him more... the reason why I am still in and not out! :)
So much for the "short" update on ME. Don't be shock... don't even think you know what I am going through... :) let alone the comments or "encouragements." If you must comment, let it be out of your heart. :) oops... am I a little offensive? Hehe... Nah... I love you guys... =) just look at the number of smileys I put in this whole post, you can guess that I am not intending to be crude or offensive. :) Haha... so long friends... and see ya again, Blog!
Job 6:25-27
How forceful are right words!
But what does your arguing prove?
Do you intend to rebuke my words,
And the speeches of a desperate one,
which are as wind?
Yes, you overwhelm the fatherless,
And you undermine your friend.
Job 5:17-18
Behold, happy is the man
whom God corrects;
Therefore do not despise the
chastening of the Almighty.
For He bruises, but He binds up;
He wounds, but His hands make whole
To be honest, not really feeling great right now... Feeling lost... but the more people "encourage" or should I say challenge, the more I feel like going the other direction... However, I must say that I am thankful that I have these bunch of friends... they are great people. It is just that I am going through some personal struggles... which I do not wish to elaborate.
I cannot say that I like the way I am now... However, I do not despise the state that I am in right now! Seriously... not that I am enjoying... it is just that it makes everything so real! Christianity is not really about church... it is about family, church, relationships and most importantly, GOD!
How wrong was I to think that church is my refuge. It certainly is, to a certain extent! However, I abused church and God, used it to escape from my unhappiness, my hurts and whatever that I think I cannot love!
Waging war with myself now... not exactly myself... just the other side of me... my flesh. When you are in darkness, you will not think that it is the devil... but rather, everything that happens, you will think that it is YOU and YOU alone! Haha... I really cannot deny the clever tactics of the devil. I tripped me... it bruised me and of course, it cause me to fail... However, one thing for sure... he has got to do infinite times much more than that to make me quit!
At the current moment, I am not sure if this is the CHURCH way... but I do really need time alone... time to know myself... time to learn... time to get back up from my fall... time to climb out from my hole... etc... which some of you may think are excuses. To me... that's what I really need now... TIME! I do not wish to shun away from people I love in church... and I will try hard not to do that!
Everyday, I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile with no pretense. That is so precious... and it is certainly hard to wear a smile that does not belong to you... haha... But in all these, I am still hopeful and I am still thanking God.. every single day... How ironic can this be right? hahahaha... trying to find the good in all these bad! :) The other thing I can do beside wallowing in my own misery is to find the little bits and pieces of love around me... waiting in faith that the mighty hand of God will be tangibly upon me soon.
Dear all the friends who love and care for me... I am doing great at work! In fact, I am enjoying every single bit of it. :) If you wanna pray for me, pray that I will have wisdom change the things I can change, including changing myself, and to have the strength and patience to accept the things that I cannot change. A part of me love the me now and the other says that I have to be stronger than now, to be able to shine in my own family, as well as my spiritual family. Of course I know that I should go after the latter and that is why I am battling with myself.
I simply love to blog... never feel more relieved and peaceful... It just simply allows you to pour your soul and there is something true in the saying, "If you keep everything to yourself, it is bad for your health." I find that blogging gives me something that is lacking in human communication, that is if I were to pour my heart out to a human. Blogging is slow to speak and quick to listen... Never hasty on suggestions... always here to let me give my inputs... no matter how sometimes I get too emotional, it is still there... unless of course there is a power failure! Haha. :) Oh... blogging is great... but talking to God is much much more better! Haha... haha... not trying to undermine God in any ways! :) He is the reason why I am going through... because I want to love Him more, to honor Him more... the reason why I am still in and not out! :)
So much for the "short" update on ME. Don't be shock... don't even think you know what I am going through... :) let alone the comments or "encouragements." If you must comment, let it be out of your heart. :) oops... am I a little offensive? Hehe... Nah... I love you guys... =) just look at the number of smileys I put in this whole post, you can guess that I am not intending to be crude or offensive. :) Haha... so long friends... and see ya again, Blog!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
A few Quotes to Remember
Today is the third time I am watching this touching and heart-warming movie, "A Walk to Remember" in the week. I must admit that it will always move me to tears... no matter how many times I have seen it... It is so good that this has kind of been an alternative medicine for my soul... when all things fail... when I am downcast or sad... I will indulge myself into this story... And whenever I do that... love becomes so tangible and real...
Some unforgettable scenes -
Landon reading off a book of quotes that Jamie gave to him when she was in the hospital:
"Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence, it is not resentful."
Jamie speaking to Landon after he read the quote above:
"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself..."
"... like this journey never ends"
"...like you're sent to me because I am sick, to help me through all these...."
(short pause, Jamie feeling Landon's hand that is on her face)
"... You're my angel!"
(Landon leaned forward to kiss Jamie)
Landon's thoughts as he was walking down a bridge, reminscing on what Jamie had done for him:
"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything... about life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But her love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
One of the scenes that made me wept like a baby was when Landon, after knowing that his dad had paid for private home care for Jamie, went to look for his dad. He knocked... waiting for his dad to open the door. He has always hated his dad for leaving his family.
Then his dad opened the door... seeing Landon standing there, with his eyes welling up with tears. His dad moved forward and opened up his arms to hug him. Landon broke down the moment his dad embraced him in his arms.
This is love at its purest... from both parties. His dad helped Jamie, Landon's girlfriend, even when Landon was mean towards him... angry at him for leaving his mum and him. Landon, despite his hatred for his dad, thanked him from the bottom of his heart and he even broke down in front of him. This is love... this movie is filled with love, peace and joy, even when Jamie had to die.
I am searching for this pure love and I know that for me to have this kind of pure love, I have to act in the same way... It is movie like this that really touches and rekindled the pure love that is inside one's heart. How this love is so different from the love we experience daily in our love. Ah.... it is just so refreshing to my soul, even when I am just relating and writing this to you....
Some unforgettable scenes -
Landon reading off a book of quotes that Jamie gave to him when she was in the hospital:
"Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence, it is not resentful."
Jamie speaking to Landon after he read the quote above:
"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself..."
"... like this journey never ends"
"...like you're sent to me because I am sick, to help me through all these...."
(short pause, Jamie feeling Landon's hand that is on her face)
"... You're my angel!"
(Landon leaned forward to kiss Jamie)
Landon's thoughts as he was walking down a bridge, reminscing on what Jamie had done for him:
"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything... about life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But her love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
One of the scenes that made me wept like a baby was when Landon, after knowing that his dad had paid for private home care for Jamie, went to look for his dad. He knocked... waiting for his dad to open the door. He has always hated his dad for leaving his family.
Then his dad opened the door... seeing Landon standing there, with his eyes welling up with tears. His dad moved forward and opened up his arms to hug him. Landon broke down the moment his dad embraced him in his arms.
This is love at its purest... from both parties. His dad helped Jamie, Landon's girlfriend, even when Landon was mean towards him... angry at him for leaving his mum and him. Landon, despite his hatred for his dad, thanked him from the bottom of his heart and he even broke down in front of him. This is love... this movie is filled with love, peace and joy, even when Jamie had to die.
I am searching for this pure love and I know that for me to have this kind of pure love, I have to act in the same way... It is movie like this that really touches and rekindled the pure love that is inside one's heart. How this love is so different from the love we experience daily in our love. Ah.... it is just so refreshing to my soul, even when I am just relating and writing this to you....
A few Quotes to Remember
Today is the third time I am watching this touching and heart-warming movie, "A Walk to Remember" in the week. I must admit that it will always move me to tears... no matter how many times I have seen it... It is so good that this has kind of been an alternative medicine for my soul... when all things fail... when I am downcast or sad... I will indulge myself into this story... And whenever I do that... love becomes so tangible and real...
Some unforgettable scenes -
Landon reading off a book of quotes that Jamie gave to him when she was in the hospital:
"Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence, it is not resentful."
Jamie speaking to Landon after he read the quote above:
"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself..."
"... like this journey never ends"
"...like you're sent to me because I am sick, to help me through all these...."
(short pause, Jamie feeling Landon's hand that is on her face)
"... You're my angel!"
(Landon leaned forward to kiss Jamie)
Landon's thoughts as he was walking down a bridge, reminscing on what Jamie had done for him:
"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything... about life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But her love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
One of the scenes that made me wept like a baby was when Landon, after knowing that his dad had paid for private home care for Jamie, went to look for his dad. He knocked... waiting for his dad to open the door. He has always hated his dad for leaving his family.
Then his dad opened the door... seeing Landon standing there, with his eyes welling up with tears. His dad moved forward and opened up his arms to hug him. Landon broke down the moment his dad embraced him in his arms.
This is love at its purest... from both parties. His dad helped Jamie, Landon's girlfriend, even when Landon was mean towards him... angry at him for leaving his mum and him. Landon, despite his hatred for his dad, thanked him from the bottom of his heart and he even broke down in front of him. This is love... this movie is filled with love, peace and joy, even when Jamie had to die.
I am searching for this pure love and I know that for me to have this kind of pure love, I have to act in the same way... It is movie like this that really touches and rekindled the pure love that is inside one's heart. How this love is so different from the love we experience daily in our love. Ah.... it is just so refreshing to my soul, even when I am just relating and writing this to you....
Some unforgettable scenes -
Landon reading off a book of quotes that Jamie gave to him when she was in the hospital:
"Love is always patient and kind.
It is never jealous.
Love is never boastful or conceited.
It is never rude or selfish,
it does not take offence, it is not resentful."
Jamie speaking to Landon after he read the quote above:
"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself..."
"... like this journey never ends"
"...like you're sent to me because I am sick, to help me through all these...."
(short pause, Jamie feeling Landon's hand that is on her face)
"... You're my angel!"
(Landon leaned forward to kiss Jamie)
Landon's thoughts as he was walking down a bridge, reminscing on what Jamie had done for him:
"Jamie saved my life. She taught me everything... about life, hope and a long journey ahead. I'll always miss her. But her love is like the wind. I can't see it but I can feel it."
One of the scenes that made me wept like a baby was when Landon, after knowing that his dad had paid for private home care for Jamie, went to look for his dad. He knocked... waiting for his dad to open the door. He has always hated his dad for leaving his family.
Then his dad opened the door... seeing Landon standing there, with his eyes welling up with tears. His dad moved forward and opened up his arms to hug him. Landon broke down the moment his dad embraced him in his arms.
This is love at its purest... from both parties. His dad helped Jamie, Landon's girlfriend, even when Landon was mean towards him... angry at him for leaving his mum and him. Landon, despite his hatred for his dad, thanked him from the bottom of his heart and he even broke down in front of him. This is love... this movie is filled with love, peace and joy, even when Jamie had to die.
I am searching for this pure love and I know that for me to have this kind of pure love, I have to act in the same way... It is movie like this that really touches and rekindled the pure love that is inside one's heart. How this love is so different from the love we experience daily in our love. Ah.... it is just so refreshing to my soul, even when I am just relating and writing this to you....
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Only Faith?
I finished reading Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown yesterday and though it was a compelling book, which made me turn from one page to the next like a nicotine addict, I felt that it is one twisted book... with apparently one intention... that is to distort one's view on the Church. I am not really talking about the Catholic Church or any particular denominations but the Church in a whole. It really worries me when non-believers or those who do not check on the "truths" pick the book off the shelf and read it. In fact, a lot of people actually believe in what the book says even though it is known as a FICTION! How ironic! The Bible is not labelled as a FICTION but those who accept the Da Vinci Code cannot seem to accept the real truths that are in the Bible.
Dan Brown proclaimed on his website that he is a Christian but I really have doubts. A Christian should be one who glorifies Jesus and not bring controversies upon Him. In this book, he is selling the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdelene! On top of that, he made the Church look like a organisation that is so blinded that she has to lie, kill and destroy just to hold on to her belief and traditions. Anyway, he may have his views and I respect that. In any case, all is not lost! People may get curious as to if all that were said in the book are true. They may want to dig... searching for the proof on the views. However, I pray that in doing so, they will be brought before the Light, the real Truth. You never know! All things will work out well for those who love Him. I love Him and I pray that many people, in one way or another, will be led to the light!
While I was reading the book, a few things struck me. I realised that our mind is so powerful. We can really make something, which is false into something real. Everyone actions and thoughts can be justified by our minds if we really want to! It also made me realised another powerful truth! I can now say that Christianity is not totally based on FAITH! That's right... you heard me right! Faith is not really all there is in Christinity!
I was thinking one night, after reading that book. Is faith the only thing that made us believe that there is a God and that God is Jesus... Muslims have faith too! Buddists have faith but what differentiate mine with theirs?!?! There is only ONE thing! That thing, just like faith, cannot be bought, neither can it be shared just by a word of mouth! The other power ingredient that really bring us close to our God and allow us to trust in Him eventhough He is invisible is our ENCOUNTER(S)!
These encounters, especially the one that I have shared here in the past, really made me held onto Him during my darkest moments! I do not believe that before tasting a well cooked chicken, you can CONFIDENTLY say that it taste great! Why would someone first give up his/her life to Jesus if they cannot feel His tangible presence. Therefore, this feeling of His tangible presence is an ENCOUNTER too! That is why, no matter how people try to talk me out of my belief, or should I say relationship with Jesus, I will not budge! He is too real to be fake! How can I after touching my hand say that my hand is not there? It will such an irony!
Dear friends, I do really hope that you will hold on the encounter(s) you had with Jesus closely to your heart! When the times get tough, it will be your faith and these encounter(s) that will really keep you together! It is there and then that you know that He is too real for you to forsake or give up! You will never think that you are alone even if your mind tells you otherwise!
A short story.....
I was lost in a case... hungry and cold! I felt so lonely. Darkness encompassed me wherever I went... it just seemed like I am going to be swallowed by it if I do try to do something about it soon. I had no one to turn to. I was alone... with no guiding post, no light, no friends... NOTHING! What could I do.
Suddenly, something touched my hand. A voice followed. 'Son, hold on to me and I will lead you out of this cave.' I was shocked! Have I encountered a ghost? What can that be? However, I did not feel scare or uneasy. Instead, a rush of love and peace came upon my heart. I sensed that the 'thing' is not hostile. He/It was really trying to help me. I called out. 'Who are you? Why are you helping me?'
Silence crept in. Suddenly, a soothing, gentle familiar voice answered, 'I created you and you walked yourself straight into darkness.'
The voice cracked. He continued, 'I was searching for you and now, I have found you! I really love you! Will you let me help you get out from this darkness'
My heart melted... Someone in this world actually loved me to the extent that He is willling to come into my darkness to look for me! I was hesitant at first. However, due to the overwhelming love and peace, I decided to reach out for His hand. To my surprise, I felt His hands on mine the moment I started to reach out! We walked... I did not know Him. I have heard His voice, felt His hand. That's all! We continued walking. Darkness was still around. However, I knew that He is harmless and I continued to put my trust on Him. I had faith that He would indeed lead me out!
Twenty minutes passed... When things was getting no better and when my strength to hold on to His hand started to fade, He squeezed into my hands and gripped it even tighter. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt a sharp pain in my eyes... Gently, I lifted my head... THERE IT WAS... a light at the end of the tunnel! He was not lying! He is really leading me out of this darkness!
Now... three years after my incident in the cave, He is still by my guide. Everytime when He asked me to take His hand, I will obediently put mine on His and follow His leading. I will never forget the encounter I had with Him in the cave. It was there that I had the first and most beautiful encounter of His presence, no else or nothing in this world could give! My encounter made me know that He really love me and He is not a imagination! He is REAL. He led me out! He guided me; He helped me and held on to me tightly when I was weak!
Ps 119:173-176
"Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
I long for Your salvation,
O LORD,And Your law is my delight.
Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,
For I do not forget Your commandments."
Dan Brown proclaimed on his website that he is a Christian but I really have doubts. A Christian should be one who glorifies Jesus and not bring controversies upon Him. In this book, he is selling the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdelene! On top of that, he made the Church look like a organisation that is so blinded that she has to lie, kill and destroy just to hold on to her belief and traditions. Anyway, he may have his views and I respect that. In any case, all is not lost! People may get curious as to if all that were said in the book are true. They may want to dig... searching for the proof on the views. However, I pray that in doing so, they will be brought before the Light, the real Truth. You never know! All things will work out well for those who love Him. I love Him and I pray that many people, in one way or another, will be led to the light!
While I was reading the book, a few things struck me. I realised that our mind is so powerful. We can really make something, which is false into something real. Everyone actions and thoughts can be justified by our minds if we really want to! It also made me realised another powerful truth! I can now say that Christianity is not totally based on FAITH! That's right... you heard me right! Faith is not really all there is in Christinity!
I was thinking one night, after reading that book. Is faith the only thing that made us believe that there is a God and that God is Jesus... Muslims have faith too! Buddists have faith but what differentiate mine with theirs?!?! There is only ONE thing! That thing, just like faith, cannot be bought, neither can it be shared just by a word of mouth! The other power ingredient that really bring us close to our God and allow us to trust in Him eventhough He is invisible is our ENCOUNTER(S)!
These encounters, especially the one that I have shared here in the past, really made me held onto Him during my darkest moments! I do not believe that before tasting a well cooked chicken, you can CONFIDENTLY say that it taste great! Why would someone first give up his/her life to Jesus if they cannot feel His tangible presence. Therefore, this feeling of His tangible presence is an ENCOUNTER too! That is why, no matter how people try to talk me out of my belief, or should I say relationship with Jesus, I will not budge! He is too real to be fake! How can I after touching my hand say that my hand is not there? It will such an irony!
Dear friends, I do really hope that you will hold on the encounter(s) you had with Jesus closely to your heart! When the times get tough, it will be your faith and these encounter(s) that will really keep you together! It is there and then that you know that He is too real for you to forsake or give up! You will never think that you are alone even if your mind tells you otherwise!
A short story.....
I was lost in a case... hungry and cold! I felt so lonely. Darkness encompassed me wherever I went... it just seemed like I am going to be swallowed by it if I do try to do something about it soon. I had no one to turn to. I was alone... with no guiding post, no light, no friends... NOTHING! What could I do.
Suddenly, something touched my hand. A voice followed. 'Son, hold on to me and I will lead you out of this cave.' I was shocked! Have I encountered a ghost? What can that be? However, I did not feel scare or uneasy. Instead, a rush of love and peace came upon my heart. I sensed that the 'thing' is not hostile. He/It was really trying to help me. I called out. 'Who are you? Why are you helping me?'
Silence crept in. Suddenly, a soothing, gentle familiar voice answered, 'I created you and you walked yourself straight into darkness.'
The voice cracked. He continued, 'I was searching for you and now, I have found you! I really love you! Will you let me help you get out from this darkness'
My heart melted... Someone in this world actually loved me to the extent that He is willling to come into my darkness to look for me! I was hesitant at first. However, due to the overwhelming love and peace, I decided to reach out for His hand. To my surprise, I felt His hands on mine the moment I started to reach out! We walked... I did not know Him. I have heard His voice, felt His hand. That's all! We continued walking. Darkness was still around. However, I knew that He is harmless and I continued to put my trust on Him. I had faith that He would indeed lead me out!
Twenty minutes passed... When things was getting no better and when my strength to hold on to His hand started to fade, He squeezed into my hands and gripped it even tighter. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt a sharp pain in my eyes... Gently, I lifted my head... THERE IT WAS... a light at the end of the tunnel! He was not lying! He is really leading me out of this darkness!
Now... three years after my incident in the cave, He is still by my guide. Everytime when He asked me to take His hand, I will obediently put mine on His and follow His leading. I will never forget the encounter I had with Him in the cave. It was there that I had the first and most beautiful encounter of His presence, no else or nothing in this world could give! My encounter made me know that He really love me and He is not a imagination! He is REAL. He led me out! He guided me; He helped me and held on to me tightly when I was weak!
Ps 119:173-176
"Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
I long for Your salvation,
O LORD,And Your law is my delight.
Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,
For I do not forget Your commandments."
Only Faith?
I finished reading Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown yesterday and though it was a compelling book, which made me turn from one page to the next like a nicotine addict, I felt that it is one twisted book... with apparently one intention... that is to distort one's view on the Church. I am not really talking about the Catholic Church or any particular denominations but the Church in a whole. It really worries me when non-believers or those who do not check on the "truths" pick the book off the shelf and read it. In fact, a lot of people actually believe in what the book says even though it is known as a FICTION! How ironic! The Bible is not labelled as a FICTION but those who accept the Da Vinci Code cannot seem to accept the real truths that are in the Bible.
Dan Brown proclaimed on his website that he is a Christian but I really have doubts. A Christian should be one who glorifies Jesus and not bring controversies upon Him. In this book, he is selling the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdelene! On top of that, he made the Church look like a organisation that is so blinded that she has to lie, kill and destroy just to hold on to her belief and traditions. Anyway, he may have his views and I respect that. In any case, all is not lost! People may get curious as to if all that were said in the book are true. They may want to dig... searching for the proof on the views. However, I pray that in doing so, they will be brought before the Light, the real Truth. You never know! All things will work out well for those who love Him. I love Him and I pray that many people, in one way or another, will be led to the light!
While I was reading the book, a few things struck me. I realised that our mind is so powerful. We can really make something, which is false into something real. Everyone actions and thoughts can be justified by our minds if we really want to! It also made me realised another powerful truth! I can now say that Christianity is not totally based on FAITH! That's right... you heard me right! Faith is not really all there is in Christinity!
I was thinking one night, after reading that book. Is faith the only thing that made us believe that there is a God and that God is Jesus... Muslims have faith too! Buddists have faith but what differentiate mine with theirs?!?! There is only ONE thing! That thing, just like faith, cannot be bought, neither can it be shared just by a word of mouth! The other power ingredient that really bring us close to our God and allow us to trust in Him eventhough He is invisible is our ENCOUNTER(S)!
These encounters, especially the one that I have shared here in the past, really made me held onto Him during my darkest moments! I do not believe that before tasting a well cooked chicken, you can CONFIDENTLY say that it taste great! Why would someone first give up his/her life to Jesus if they cannot feel His tangible presence. Therefore, this feeling of His tangible presence is an ENCOUNTER too! That is why, no matter how people try to talk me out of my belief, or should I say relationship with Jesus, I will not budge! He is too real to be fake! How can I after touching my hand say that my hand is not there? It will such an irony!
Dear friends, I do really hope that you will hold on the encounter(s) you had with Jesus closely to your heart! When the times get tough, it will be your faith and these encounter(s) that will really keep you together! It is there and then that you know that He is too real for you to forsake or give up! You will never think that you are alone even if your mind tells you otherwise!
A short story.....
I was lost in a case... hungry and cold! I felt so lonely. Darkness encompassed me wherever I went... it just seemed like I am going to be swallowed by it if I do try to do something about it soon. I had no one to turn to. I was alone... with no guiding post, no light, no friends... NOTHING! What could I do.
Suddenly, something touched my hand. A voice followed. 'Son, hold on to me and I will lead you out of this cave.' I was shocked! Have I encountered a ghost? What can that be? However, I did not feel scare or uneasy. Instead, a rush of love and peace came upon my heart. I sensed that the 'thing' is not hostile. He/It was really trying to help me. I called out. 'Who are you? Why are you helping me?'
Silence crept in. Suddenly, a soothing, gentle familiar voice answered, 'I created you and you walked yourself straight into darkness.'
The voice cracked. He continued, 'I was searching for you and now, I have found you! I really love you! Will you let me help you get out from this darkness'
My heart melted... Someone in this world actually loved me to the extent that He is willling to come into my darkness to look for me! I was hesitant at first. However, due to the overwhelming love and peace, I decided to reach out for His hand. To my surprise, I felt His hands on mine the moment I started to reach out! We walked... I did not know Him. I have heard His voice, felt His hand. That's all! We continued walking. Darkness was still around. However, I knew that He is harmless and I continued to put my trust on Him. I had faith that He would indeed lead me out!
Twenty minutes passed... When things was getting no better and when my strength to hold on to His hand started to fade, He squeezed into my hands and gripped it even tighter. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt a sharp pain in my eyes... Gently, I lifted my head... THERE IT WAS... a light at the end of the tunnel! He was not lying! He is really leading me out of this darkness!
Now... three years after my incident in the cave, He is still by my guide. Everytime when He asked me to take His hand, I will obediently put mine on His and follow His leading. I will never forget the encounter I had with Him in the cave. It was there that I had the first and most beautiful encounter of His presence, no else or nothing in this world could give! My encounter made me know that He really love me and He is not a imagination! He is REAL. He led me out! He guided me; He helped me and held on to me tightly when I was weak!
Ps 119:173-176
"Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
I long for Your salvation,
O LORD,And Your law is my delight.
Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,
For I do not forget Your commandments."
Dan Brown proclaimed on his website that he is a Christian but I really have doubts. A Christian should be one who glorifies Jesus and not bring controversies upon Him. In this book, he is selling the idea that Jesus was married to Mary Magdelene! On top of that, he made the Church look like a organisation that is so blinded that she has to lie, kill and destroy just to hold on to her belief and traditions. Anyway, he may have his views and I respect that. In any case, all is not lost! People may get curious as to if all that were said in the book are true. They may want to dig... searching for the proof on the views. However, I pray that in doing so, they will be brought before the Light, the real Truth. You never know! All things will work out well for those who love Him. I love Him and I pray that many people, in one way or another, will be led to the light!
While I was reading the book, a few things struck me. I realised that our mind is so powerful. We can really make something, which is false into something real. Everyone actions and thoughts can be justified by our minds if we really want to! It also made me realised another powerful truth! I can now say that Christianity is not totally based on FAITH! That's right... you heard me right! Faith is not really all there is in Christinity!
I was thinking one night, after reading that book. Is faith the only thing that made us believe that there is a God and that God is Jesus... Muslims have faith too! Buddists have faith but what differentiate mine with theirs?!?! There is only ONE thing! That thing, just like faith, cannot be bought, neither can it be shared just by a word of mouth! The other power ingredient that really bring us close to our God and allow us to trust in Him eventhough He is invisible is our ENCOUNTER(S)!
These encounters, especially the one that I have shared here in the past, really made me held onto Him during my darkest moments! I do not believe that before tasting a well cooked chicken, you can CONFIDENTLY say that it taste great! Why would someone first give up his/her life to Jesus if they cannot feel His tangible presence. Therefore, this feeling of His tangible presence is an ENCOUNTER too! That is why, no matter how people try to talk me out of my belief, or should I say relationship with Jesus, I will not budge! He is too real to be fake! How can I after touching my hand say that my hand is not there? It will such an irony!
Dear friends, I do really hope that you will hold on the encounter(s) you had with Jesus closely to your heart! When the times get tough, it will be your faith and these encounter(s) that will really keep you together! It is there and then that you know that He is too real for you to forsake or give up! You will never think that you are alone even if your mind tells you otherwise!
A short story.....
I was lost in a case... hungry and cold! I felt so lonely. Darkness encompassed me wherever I went... it just seemed like I am going to be swallowed by it if I do try to do something about it soon. I had no one to turn to. I was alone... with no guiding post, no light, no friends... NOTHING! What could I do.
Suddenly, something touched my hand. A voice followed. 'Son, hold on to me and I will lead you out of this cave.' I was shocked! Have I encountered a ghost? What can that be? However, I did not feel scare or uneasy. Instead, a rush of love and peace came upon my heart. I sensed that the 'thing' is not hostile. He/It was really trying to help me. I called out. 'Who are you? Why are you helping me?'
Silence crept in. Suddenly, a soothing, gentle familiar voice answered, 'I created you and you walked yourself straight into darkness.'
The voice cracked. He continued, 'I was searching for you and now, I have found you! I really love you! Will you let me help you get out from this darkness'
My heart melted... Someone in this world actually loved me to the extent that He is willling to come into my darkness to look for me! I was hesitant at first. However, due to the overwhelming love and peace, I decided to reach out for His hand. To my surprise, I felt His hands on mine the moment I started to reach out! We walked... I did not know Him. I have heard His voice, felt His hand. That's all! We continued walking. Darkness was still around. However, I knew that He is harmless and I continued to put my trust on Him. I had faith that He would indeed lead me out!
Twenty minutes passed... When things was getting no better and when my strength to hold on to His hand started to fade, He squeezed into my hands and gripped it even tighter. All of a sudden, something happened. I felt a sharp pain in my eyes... Gently, I lifted my head... THERE IT WAS... a light at the end of the tunnel! He was not lying! He is really leading me out of this darkness!
Now... three years after my incident in the cave, He is still by my guide. Everytime when He asked me to take His hand, I will obediently put mine on His and follow His leading. I will never forget the encounter I had with Him in the cave. It was there that I had the first and most beautiful encounter of His presence, no else or nothing in this world could give! My encounter made me know that He really love me and He is not a imagination! He is REAL. He led me out! He guided me; He helped me and held on to me tightly when I was weak!
Ps 119:173-176
"Let Your hand become my help,
For I have chosen Your precepts.
I long for Your salvation,
O LORD,And Your law is my delight.
Let my soul live, and it shall praise You;
And let Your judgments help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep;
Seek Your servant,
For I do not forget Your commandments."
Sunday, June 19, 2005
SHOCKED!
I just found out that my brother has not been attending church for the past few weeks... It really saddened me when I first heard from him about it... I really pray that I can be a light in my family... My dream will be to be able to impact and touch each and everyone of them... It will be an uphill task but I am sure that I can do it! Revival of DREAM!
It can be so easy for to fall away... even after we have ate of the good fruit! I really pray that God will preserve my spirit and my fire! I can really sense His heart beating in me... His love for me... His tears when I let Him down and His call when I am far... I do not want to harden myself to the state where I cannot love Him anymore.... I want to LOVE HIM FOREVER... Beloved LORD, please keep me in Your ARMS...
Something from my heart, written with my head:
The One I love is You.
For when I was still lost,
You chose to love me.
And when I was rotting,
You cleanse and watered me.
Then I came to You...
The day you touched my heart,
My spirit was birthed,
With new fire, burning hot,
A passion, that is hard to stop!
A new journey, which then I embarked.
One that is filled with mysteries...
that my mind cannot fathom or understand...
One that is full of battles...
with losses and victories...
Then joy may fizzle away;
a smile that turned upside down,
But then a love,
A wondrous love from an invisible force
started to fill me; it started to invade my heart...
It became so real that I cried.
I am so touched and I began to thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me a heart,
one that can sense this love!
A love that encourages me when I am defeated;
A love that revives me when I thought I am dead;
A love that consoles me when my days became nights;
A love that empowers me when battles became overwhelming;
A love so strong, a love so selfless, a love so sweet,
One that I cannot reject...
It just kept coming, rushing into me...
My spirit, my heart... my soul...
MY TOTAL BEING...
I am just an empty shell without it...
It is more important that the blood that is running in me...
Nothing else can fuel my passion to live apart from it...
I love this LOVE,
A LOVE from the most selfless person on this EARTH!
He saved me, He pull me out...
PLEASE HOLD ON TO ME;
POUR MORE OF YOUR LOVE INTO ME;
TOUCH ME AND EMBRACE ME...
I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS ALWAYS!
I LOVE YOU, MY LORD, MY ALL!
It can be so easy for to fall away... even after we have ate of the good fruit! I really pray that God will preserve my spirit and my fire! I can really sense His heart beating in me... His love for me... His tears when I let Him down and His call when I am far... I do not want to harden myself to the state where I cannot love Him anymore.... I want to LOVE HIM FOREVER... Beloved LORD, please keep me in Your ARMS...
Something from my heart, written with my head:
The One I love is You.
For when I was still lost,
You chose to love me.
And when I was rotting,
You cleanse and watered me.
Then I came to You...
The day you touched my heart,
My spirit was birthed,
With new fire, burning hot,
A passion, that is hard to stop!
A new journey, which then I embarked.
One that is filled with mysteries...
that my mind cannot fathom or understand...
One that is full of battles...
with losses and victories...
Then joy may fizzle away;
a smile that turned upside down,
But then a love,
A wondrous love from an invisible force
started to fill me; it started to invade my heart...
It became so real that I cried.
I am so touched and I began to thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me a heart,
one that can sense this love!
A love that encourages me when I am defeated;
A love that revives me when I thought I am dead;
A love that consoles me when my days became nights;
A love that empowers me when battles became overwhelming;
A love so strong, a love so selfless, a love so sweet,
One that I cannot reject...
It just kept coming, rushing into me...
My spirit, my heart... my soul...
MY TOTAL BEING...
I am just an empty shell without it...
It is more important that the blood that is running in me...
Nothing else can fuel my passion to live apart from it...
I love this LOVE,
A LOVE from the most selfless person on this EARTH!
He saved me, He pull me out...
PLEASE HOLD ON TO ME;
POUR MORE OF YOUR LOVE INTO ME;
TOUCH ME AND EMBRACE ME...
I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS ALWAYS!
I LOVE YOU, MY LORD, MY ALL!
SHOCKED!
I just found out that my brother has not been attending church for the past few weeks... It really saddened me when I first heard from him about it... I really pray that I can be a light in my family... My dream will be to be able to impact and touch each and everyone of them... It will be an uphill task but I am sure that I can do it! Revival of DREAM!
It can be so easy for to fall away... even after we have ate of the good fruit! I really pray that God will preserve my spirit and my fire! I can really sense His heart beating in me... His love for me... His tears when I let Him down and His call when I am far... I do not want to harden myself to the state where I cannot love Him anymore.... I want to LOVE HIM FOREVER... Beloved LORD, please keep me in Your ARMS...
Something from my heart, written with my head:
The One I love is You.
For when I was still lost,
You chose to love me.
And when I was rotting,
You cleanse and watered me.
Then I came to You...
The day you touched my heart,
My spirit was birthed,
With new fire, burning hot,
A passion, that is hard to stop!
A new journey, which then I embarked.
One that is filled with mysteries...
that my mind cannot fathom or understand...
One that is full of battles...
with losses and victories...
Then joy may fizzle away;
a smile that turned upside down,
But then a love,
A wondrous love from an invisible force
started to fill me; it started to invade my heart...
It became so real that I cried.
I am so touched and I began to thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me a heart,
one that can sense this love!
A love that encourages me when I am defeated;
A love that revives me when I thought I am dead;
A love that consoles me when my days became nights;
A love that empowers me when battles became overwhelming;
A love so strong, a love so selfless, a love so sweet,
One that I cannot reject...
It just kept coming, rushing into me...
My spirit, my heart... my soul...
MY TOTAL BEING...
I am just an empty shell without it...
It is more important that the blood that is running in me...
Nothing else can fuel my passion to live apart from it...
I love this LOVE,
A LOVE from the most selfless person on this EARTH!
He saved me, He pull me out...
PLEASE HOLD ON TO ME;
POUR MORE OF YOUR LOVE INTO ME;
TOUCH ME AND EMBRACE ME...
I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS ALWAYS!
I LOVE YOU, MY LORD, MY ALL!
It can be so easy for to fall away... even after we have ate of the good fruit! I really pray that God will preserve my spirit and my fire! I can really sense His heart beating in me... His love for me... His tears when I let Him down and His call when I am far... I do not want to harden myself to the state where I cannot love Him anymore.... I want to LOVE HIM FOREVER... Beloved LORD, please keep me in Your ARMS...
Something from my heart, written with my head:
The One I love is You.
For when I was still lost,
You chose to love me.
And when I was rotting,
You cleanse and watered me.
Then I came to You...
The day you touched my heart,
My spirit was birthed,
With new fire, burning hot,
A passion, that is hard to stop!
A new journey, which then I embarked.
One that is filled with mysteries...
that my mind cannot fathom or understand...
One that is full of battles...
with losses and victories...
Then joy may fizzle away;
a smile that turned upside down,
But then a love,
A wondrous love from an invisible force
started to fill me; it started to invade my heart...
It became so real that I cried.
I am so touched and I began to thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me a heart,
one that can sense this love!
A love that encourages me when I am defeated;
A love that revives me when I thought I am dead;
A love that consoles me when my days became nights;
A love that empowers me when battles became overwhelming;
A love so strong, a love so selfless, a love so sweet,
One that I cannot reject...
It just kept coming, rushing into me...
My spirit, my heart... my soul...
MY TOTAL BEING...
I am just an empty shell without it...
It is more important that the blood that is running in me...
Nothing else can fuel my passion to live apart from it...
I love this LOVE,
A LOVE from the most selfless person on this EARTH!
He saved me, He pull me out...
PLEASE HOLD ON TO ME;
POUR MORE OF YOUR LOVE INTO ME;
TOUCH ME AND EMBRACE ME...
I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS ALWAYS!
I LOVE YOU, MY LORD, MY ALL!
Friday, June 17, 2005
I'M BACK!
Just got back from youth camp... WOW! Really had a tremendous time! Hearts were touched... people cried! NOW, Legs areaching, brain is melting down... therefore, I shall share more within the next few day. At this current moment, I am going to indulge in a good hot bath and a beautiful adventure in my mystical dreamland! ZzzZZzz......
I'M BACK!
Just got back from youth camp... WOW! Really had a tremendous time! Hearts were touched... people cried! NOW, Legs areaching, brain is melting down... therefore, I shall share more within the next few day. At this current moment, I am going to indulge in a good hot bath and a beautiful adventure in my mystical dreamland! ZzzZZzz......
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Back to School... :)
Wow... I have to admit that I am very blessed to see so many people pouring their affection, care and concern over me for the past week or so! The road was indeed long and bumpy... but I have to thank God that I am still here... praising His name; confessing on His goodness. Friends at work, friends from church and even Jesus and the Holy Spirit... came and stood in the gaps for me during this bumpy period in life. Life is always challenging, never disheartening because of the encouraging and helping hands around me! Once again, THANK YOU. To those whom I don't even know or those whom I cannot figure out from their nicks, I thank you for your encouragement!
I just got back from a meeting! A wonderful meeting for a wonderful event! I am going away for two days... for A GOOD CAUSE! I will be helping out in CHCSA's youth camp, which will be from thursday to friday. It used to be 3 days but due the sheer voume of activities during this past few months and weeks, it will be 2 instead this round. I can still remember the last camp that I went for. I was given a honor... to be a leader of a group. I have to say that I was tremendously blessed... to see how the youth there were impacted... how touched they were! It was simply AWESOME! I thought I was there to bless... but I never thought that the blessings that I got from the camp can be far greater than the amount of blessings which I had given out. God is scary in a good sense! Hahaha... always overflowing, even in experiences and emotions!
I believe that this upcoming 2 days youth camp, which will be held in a secondary school, is going to be another resounding success! Once again, it a gruelling time- late night, bone-breaking activities (Due to the fact that I have not be exercising regularly), first time interactions, etc- but I know that God is going to be so real in these 2 days! I just cannot wait to get into the middle of all these fun! To be honest, I am REALLY tired now... have to wake up at 530am tomorrow morning because we have to reach Bedok at 7am! I have not pack, bath, etc... I just so excited with the fact that I can work with a great team of people again, Bro Mingjin, Sis Daryl, etc. This is my fourth youth camp! I have to admit that from the first youth camp up till the last one, it has been from GLORY to GLORY! I really cannot imagine the wonderful time I am going to have in a few hours time! We will be having around a 100 campers, highest ever compared to the previous few camps that averages around 20-30 youths, this time round and I pray that everyone of them will turn up. The whole event will end late on friday, thus I will be missing my first friday service in a long while... haha... going to be out of my comfort zone this weekend!
Going to prepare and bath now! God bless and continue to pray for strength to be upon me. God can indeed use the weak... He used and is going to use me tomorrow to touch the lifes of the students!! God bless!
Ps 47:6
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!"
I just got back from a meeting! A wonderful meeting for a wonderful event! I am going away for two days... for A GOOD CAUSE! I will be helping out in CHCSA's youth camp, which will be from thursday to friday. It used to be 3 days but due the sheer voume of activities during this past few months and weeks, it will be 2 instead this round. I can still remember the last camp that I went for. I was given a honor... to be a leader of a group. I have to say that I was tremendously blessed... to see how the youth there were impacted... how touched they were! It was simply AWESOME! I thought I was there to bless... but I never thought that the blessings that I got from the camp can be far greater than the amount of blessings which I had given out. God is scary in a good sense! Hahaha... always overflowing, even in experiences and emotions!
I believe that this upcoming 2 days youth camp, which will be held in a secondary school, is going to be another resounding success! Once again, it a gruelling time- late night, bone-breaking activities (Due to the fact that I have not be exercising regularly), first time interactions, etc- but I know that God is going to be so real in these 2 days! I just cannot wait to get into the middle of all these fun! To be honest, I am REALLY tired now... have to wake up at 530am tomorrow morning because we have to reach Bedok at 7am! I have not pack, bath, etc... I just so excited with the fact that I can work with a great team of people again, Bro Mingjin, Sis Daryl, etc. This is my fourth youth camp! I have to admit that from the first youth camp up till the last one, it has been from GLORY to GLORY! I really cannot imagine the wonderful time I am going to have in a few hours time! We will be having around a 100 campers, highest ever compared to the previous few camps that averages around 20-30 youths, this time round and I pray that everyone of them will turn up. The whole event will end late on friday, thus I will be missing my first friday service in a long while... haha... going to be out of my comfort zone this weekend!
Going to prepare and bath now! God bless and continue to pray for strength to be upon me. God can indeed use the weak... He used and is going to use me tomorrow to touch the lifes of the students!! God bless!
Ps 47:6
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!"
Back to School... :)
Wow... I have to admit that I am very blessed to see so many people pouring their affection, care and concern over me for the past week or so! The road was indeed long and bumpy... but I have to thank God that I am still here... praising His name; confessing on His goodness. Friends at work, friends from church and even Jesus and the Holy Spirit... came and stood in the gaps for me during this bumpy period in life. Life is always challenging, never disheartening because of the encouraging and helping hands around me! Once again, THANK YOU. To those whom I don't even know or those whom I cannot figure out from their nicks, I thank you for your encouragement!
I just got back from a meeting! A wonderful meeting for a wonderful event! I am going away for two days... for A GOOD CAUSE! I will be helping out in CHCSA's youth camp, which will be from thursday to friday. It used to be 3 days but due the sheer voume of activities during this past few months and weeks, it will be 2 instead this round. I can still remember the last camp that I went for. I was given a honor... to be a leader of a group. I have to say that I was tremendously blessed... to see how the youth there were impacted... how touched they were! It was simply AWESOME! I thought I was there to bless... but I never thought that the blessings that I got from the camp can be far greater than the amount of blessings which I had given out. God is scary in a good sense! Hahaha... always overflowing, even in experiences and emotions!
I believe that this upcoming 2 days youth camp, which will be held in a secondary school, is going to be another resounding success! Once again, it a gruelling time- late night, bone-breaking activities (Due to the fact that I have not be exercising regularly), first time interactions, etc- but I know that God is going to be so real in these 2 days! I just cannot wait to get into the middle of all these fun! To be honest, I am REALLY tired now... have to wake up at 530am tomorrow morning because we have to reach Bedok at 7am! I have not pack, bath, etc... I just so excited with the fact that I can work with a great team of people again, Bro Mingjin, Sis Daryl, etc. This is my fourth youth camp! I have to admit that from the first youth camp up till the last one, it has been from GLORY to GLORY! I really cannot imagine the wonderful time I am going to have in a few hours time! We will be having around a 100 campers, highest ever compared to the previous few camps that averages around 20-30 youths, this time round and I pray that everyone of them will turn up. The whole event will end late on friday, thus I will be missing my first friday service in a long while... haha... going to be out of my comfort zone this weekend!
Going to prepare and bath now! God bless and continue to pray for strength to be upon me. God can indeed use the weak... He used and is going to use me tomorrow to touch the lifes of the students!! God bless!
Ps 47:6
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!"
I just got back from a meeting! A wonderful meeting for a wonderful event! I am going away for two days... for A GOOD CAUSE! I will be helping out in CHCSA's youth camp, which will be from thursday to friday. It used to be 3 days but due the sheer voume of activities during this past few months and weeks, it will be 2 instead this round. I can still remember the last camp that I went for. I was given a honor... to be a leader of a group. I have to say that I was tremendously blessed... to see how the youth there were impacted... how touched they were! It was simply AWESOME! I thought I was there to bless... but I never thought that the blessings that I got from the camp can be far greater than the amount of blessings which I had given out. God is scary in a good sense! Hahaha... always overflowing, even in experiences and emotions!
I believe that this upcoming 2 days youth camp, which will be held in a secondary school, is going to be another resounding success! Once again, it a gruelling time- late night, bone-breaking activities (Due to the fact that I have not be exercising regularly), first time interactions, etc- but I know that God is going to be so real in these 2 days! I just cannot wait to get into the middle of all these fun! To be honest, I am REALLY tired now... have to wake up at 530am tomorrow morning because we have to reach Bedok at 7am! I have not pack, bath, etc... I just so excited with the fact that I can work with a great team of people again, Bro Mingjin, Sis Daryl, etc. This is my fourth youth camp! I have to admit that from the first youth camp up till the last one, it has been from GLORY to GLORY! I really cannot imagine the wonderful time I am going to have in a few hours time! We will be having around a 100 campers, highest ever compared to the previous few camps that averages around 20-30 youths, this time round and I pray that everyone of them will turn up. The whole event will end late on friday, thus I will be missing my first friday service in a long while... haha... going to be out of my comfort zone this weekend!
Going to prepare and bath now! God bless and continue to pray for strength to be upon me. God can indeed use the weak... He used and is going to use me tomorrow to touch the lifes of the students!! God bless!
Ps 47:6
"Sing praises to God, sing praises! Sing praises to our King, sing praises!"
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Blog, blog, blog...
Wow... I am glad that I have friends who actually check out my blog... to see how I am doing in my life... Haha... It is encouraging to see that... Knowing that I am indeed not alone on my journey called life.
Just thought of something... I recalled reading a book that has the following title, "Tuesday with Morrie". This gave me an inspiration to start something... something which will goes like that... "Everyday with God." I really wonder if I will be disciplined to actually update this project of mine as often as I can... I know that if I were to embark on this project... the encouragements which God gave me will be reflected on deeply before posting it online. This will indeed be one good way of keeping tabs on the lessons which God is trying to teach me... and maybe one day... haha... yeah... one faithful day, just like Pst Phil Pringle's "Leadership Files," it will be published into a book... haha... and just like Mitch Albom, I will be New York Times bestselling author! Haha...
Yeah... just came back from CG... was really tired... still roughing it out in the valley... trying to bring myself together! Just like I was sharing yesterday... I really felt the endless plunge into eternal darkness last night... but after opening up here... I felt so much better... like a heavy burden been lifted up from my shoulders... though things are still not perfect, I felt that Someone was actually reaching out to me... trying to grab me... to save me from this plunge!
I really do look forward to the day when I will share about my victory from this struggle which I am facing now, struggling to get myself back on the road God has built for me... It is too narrow to the point that I actually fell from it... into this valley which I am in now! haha... I don't blame Him, my God... He just wants to perfect me... to train me into a person who can balance and walk on this NARROW road which will He has intended me to be on.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate darkness... I hate the state which I am in right now!! This thorn... which is in my flesh... poking in areas which I wanna hide... digging in the parts of my life which I thought I have thrown away... argh....
2Cor 12:9
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Just thought of something... I recalled reading a book that has the following title, "Tuesday with Morrie". This gave me an inspiration to start something... something which will goes like that... "Everyday with God." I really wonder if I will be disciplined to actually update this project of mine as often as I can... I know that if I were to embark on this project... the encouragements which God gave me will be reflected on deeply before posting it online. This will indeed be one good way of keeping tabs on the lessons which God is trying to teach me... and maybe one day... haha... yeah... one faithful day, just like Pst Phil Pringle's "Leadership Files," it will be published into a book... haha... and just like Mitch Albom, I will be New York Times bestselling author! Haha...
Yeah... just came back from CG... was really tired... still roughing it out in the valley... trying to bring myself together! Just like I was sharing yesterday... I really felt the endless plunge into eternal darkness last night... but after opening up here... I felt so much better... like a heavy burden been lifted up from my shoulders... though things are still not perfect, I felt that Someone was actually reaching out to me... trying to grab me... to save me from this plunge!
I really do look forward to the day when I will share about my victory from this struggle which I am facing now, struggling to get myself back on the road God has built for me... It is too narrow to the point that I actually fell from it... into this valley which I am in now! haha... I don't blame Him, my God... He just wants to perfect me... to train me into a person who can balance and walk on this NARROW road which will He has intended me to be on.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate darkness... I hate the state which I am in right now!! This thorn... which is in my flesh... poking in areas which I wanna hide... digging in the parts of my life which I thought I have thrown away... argh....
2Cor 12:9
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Blog, blog, blog...
Wow... I am glad that I have friends who actually check out my blog... to see how I am doing in my life... Haha... It is encouraging to see that... Knowing that I am indeed not alone on my journey called life.
Just thought of something... I recalled reading a book that has the following title, "Tuesday with Morrie". This gave me an inspiration to start something... something which will goes like that... "Everyday with God." I really wonder if I will be disciplined to actually update this project of mine as often as I can... I know that if I were to embark on this project... the encouragements which God gave me will be reflected on deeply before posting it online. This will indeed be one good way of keeping tabs on the lessons which God is trying to teach me... and maybe one day... haha... yeah... one faithful day, just like Pst Phil Pringle's "Leadership Files," it will be published into a book... haha... and just like Mitch Albom, I will be New York Times bestselling author! Haha...
Yeah... just came back from CG... was really tired... still roughing it out in the valley... trying to bring myself together! Just like I was sharing yesterday... I really felt the endless plunge into eternal darkness last night... but after opening up here... I felt so much better... like a heavy burden been lifted up from my shoulders... though things are still not perfect, I felt that Someone was actually reaching out to me... trying to grab me... to save me from this plunge!
I really do look forward to the day when I will share about my victory from this struggle which I am facing now, struggling to get myself back on the road God has built for me... It is too narrow to the point that I actually fell from it... into this valley which I am in now! haha... I don't blame Him, my God... He just wants to perfect me... to train me into a person who can balance and walk on this NARROW road which will He has intended me to be on.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate darkness... I hate the state which I am in right now!! This thorn... which is in my flesh... poking in areas which I wanna hide... digging in the parts of my life which I thought I have thrown away... argh....
2Cor 12:9
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Just thought of something... I recalled reading a book that has the following title, "Tuesday with Morrie". This gave me an inspiration to start something... something which will goes like that... "Everyday with God." I really wonder if I will be disciplined to actually update this project of mine as often as I can... I know that if I were to embark on this project... the encouragements which God gave me will be reflected on deeply before posting it online. This will indeed be one good way of keeping tabs on the lessons which God is trying to teach me... and maybe one day... haha... yeah... one faithful day, just like Pst Phil Pringle's "Leadership Files," it will be published into a book... haha... and just like Mitch Albom, I will be New York Times bestselling author! Haha...
Yeah... just came back from CG... was really tired... still roughing it out in the valley... trying to bring myself together! Just like I was sharing yesterday... I really felt the endless plunge into eternal darkness last night... but after opening up here... I felt so much better... like a heavy burden been lifted up from my shoulders... though things are still not perfect, I felt that Someone was actually reaching out to me... trying to grab me... to save me from this plunge!
I really do look forward to the day when I will share about my victory from this struggle which I am facing now, struggling to get myself back on the road God has built for me... It is too narrow to the point that I actually fell from it... into this valley which I am in now! haha... I don't blame Him, my God... He just wants to perfect me... to train me into a person who can balance and walk on this NARROW road which will He has intended me to be on.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate darkness... I hate the state which I am in right now!! This thorn... which is in my flesh... poking in areas which I wanna hide... digging in the parts of my life which I thought I have thrown away... argh....
2Cor 12:9
"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
TIRED...
I am so tired... drained... lost... ZzzzZz..... new phase in life which I need to adapt... to conquer... to rule over! So many things are piling up... hmm... maybe not... but it seems like it! Haha... I am just not used to having so little time to myself... hmm... I really need a release man! Blogging is one way... yeah... I can SHOUT here... without bringing myself into any troubles... Haha... ARGH!!! Now is a time of testing... a test of my loyalty... whether I am for God or not... so many committments... so little time... no time for myself... no time for my own entertainment... yeah... as you can see... it is about ME, ME, ME and ME! Haha... I know that this is just a passing phase (Hopefully!) I feel so PACKED UP, SQUEEZED UP, BLOWING UP soon...
However, I will PRAISE... I will REJOICE... although I don't feel like it! So this is how it feels like... SACRIFICE OF PRAISE! ARGH!!! Trying to be happy when I am not... trying to shout praised even when I don't feel like it...
I feel like I am sliding down from a cliff... falling at a rate where I myself cannot find anything to grab onto... no branch or anything for me to pull myself up... to stop myself from this plunge! HOPELESS... HELPLESS... too tired to try... instead of trying, I may just as well "enjoy" this free fall... when I am weak... there may be a supernatural empowerment... which I am really looking forward too... I will not lose the hope that a supernatural intervention is on its way... when I am weak, indeed, I WILL be strong...
Psalms 23:4
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. "
However, I will PRAISE... I will REJOICE... although I don't feel like it! So this is how it feels like... SACRIFICE OF PRAISE! ARGH!!! Trying to be happy when I am not... trying to shout praised even when I don't feel like it...
I feel like I am sliding down from a cliff... falling at a rate where I myself cannot find anything to grab onto... no branch or anything for me to pull myself up... to stop myself from this plunge! HOPELESS... HELPLESS... too tired to try... instead of trying, I may just as well "enjoy" this free fall... when I am weak... there may be a supernatural empowerment... which I am really looking forward too... I will not lose the hope that a supernatural intervention is on its way... when I am weak, indeed, I WILL be strong...
Psalms 23:4
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. "
TIRED...
I am so tired... drained... lost... ZzzzZz..... new phase in life which I need to adapt... to conquer... to rule over! So many things are piling up... hmm... maybe not... but it seems like it! Haha... I am just not used to having so little time to myself... hmm... I really need a release man! Blogging is one way... yeah... I can SHOUT here... without bringing myself into any troubles... Haha... ARGH!!! Now is a time of testing... a test of my loyalty... whether I am for God or not... so many committments... so little time... no time for myself... no time for my own entertainment... yeah... as you can see... it is about ME, ME, ME and ME! Haha... I know that this is just a passing phase (Hopefully!) I feel so PACKED UP, SQUEEZED UP, BLOWING UP soon...
However, I will PRAISE... I will REJOICE... although I don't feel like it! So this is how it feels like... SACRIFICE OF PRAISE! ARGH!!! Trying to be happy when I am not... trying to shout praised even when I don't feel like it...
I feel like I am sliding down from a cliff... falling at a rate where I myself cannot find anything to grab onto... no branch or anything for me to pull myself up... to stop myself from this plunge! HOPELESS... HELPLESS... too tired to try... instead of trying, I may just as well "enjoy" this free fall... when I am weak... there may be a supernatural empowerment... which I am really looking forward too... I will not lose the hope that a supernatural intervention is on its way... when I am weak, indeed, I WILL be strong...
Psalms 23:4
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. "
However, I will PRAISE... I will REJOICE... although I don't feel like it! So this is how it feels like... SACRIFICE OF PRAISE! ARGH!!! Trying to be happy when I am not... trying to shout praised even when I don't feel like it...
I feel like I am sliding down from a cliff... falling at a rate where I myself cannot find anything to grab onto... no branch or anything for me to pull myself up... to stop myself from this plunge! HOPELESS... HELPLESS... too tired to try... instead of trying, I may just as well "enjoy" this free fall... when I am weak... there may be a supernatural empowerment... which I am really looking forward too... I will not lose the hope that a supernatural intervention is on its way... when I am weak, indeed, I WILL be strong...
Psalms 23:4
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. "
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