Firstly, I just want to thank God that He has made us to be emotional creatures. Without that, we will not be able to experience love, gratitude, and many others. However, just like every other things... there are opposites. As there are good emotions, there are certainly undesirable ones! However, this make us unique and UNPREDICTABLE! We are different from the animal kingdom where SCIENTIST can learn how an animal will react and it will do in a particular situation. For us, human beings, scientisit can claim all they want but seriously, we do not have a fixed pattern for every single one. Everyone will react different to a similar situation.
Just yesterday, I went through the dark trenchs of emotion. Something happened, obviously. I came to know of a particular thing and, to be honest, it was something that was special to me. That thing was a she and this she is someone I really like but was in more than one ways, incompatible. We have talked about it and have decided to move on. However, just like I have mentioned that emotions can be good, they can get rather STICKY sometimes! I have tried to let it go and I guess bits of it has left. Anyway, I knew that it was hard for us to be together.
Then yesterday, as I was preparing to leave for work, I decided to surf around Friendster. I was just browsing through Friendster and I saw that she had updated her profile. Out of curiousity, I decided to check it out. As it turns out, she changed her status to "In a Relationship." At that point in time, I was still fine. Did not think much about it. In fact, I was happy for her! :)
About an hour passed, I was sitting in front of my computer in my office, going through my normal routine. Answering E-MAILs! Then sudddenly, I noticed that my handphone has litted up. I took it and found out that I have received a message. Pressed a few buttons and the message loaded. It was from her, the girl whom I have just visited in Friendster earlier on. She asked me how I am and informed me that she is officially attached. It was at this particular moment that I went out of control. I did not know what hit me! I was still happy for her. However, my emotions took a dip and I landed without knowing that I just had a long, long dip down into its trenches. That fall was painful. I replied her and wished her all the best. Soon, I became bitter and I hated LOVE. It all happened in a matter of minutes. - -"
Though I already knew that we will not be together and have already chosen to push her out of my heart, it still hurts like mad! I began to conjure up with phrases like " Love is to give and sometimes, it hurts so much that you want to think twice before giving." Okay... this is not exactly due to the fact that she is attached. Another factor, which may have contributed this ticket to the trenches, is that I currently like a girl now. It kind of made me feel that love is just a STUPID game. You will like someone and that someone may not like you. However, there may be another one whom will like you but you will never like that someone. I became a bit cynical and for the whole of yesterday, I was really disturbed by it.
I hated love and I hated the fact that no matter how much you may want to give to a person, she may not even be with you. Yes, according to the truth, love is to give and not expecting anything back. But let's be more practical and honest, we do expect that at least we can be with the person whom we are giving to, because we like that person. Bitterness started to fill my heart and I really wanted to STOP loving! At that point in time, I hated love in its entirety! Every single bit of it. It really ruined my whole day. I was depressed and moody at work, at gym after work and during supper, after gym! Throughout the day, I was having a few brief periods of spasm! I was swearing within me and this really shocked me! Haha... I have not being so emotionally charged for a while and I was shocked that I was totally uncontrollable. Thank God for a good friend whom I have in my office. I shared with him and he encouraged me.
When I reached home, I was bitter to the brim! All the negative emotions were welling inside of me! I was angry; I was bitter; I was hopeless; I was basically negative. I decided to worship God. I grabbed my guitar and started playing a song. Then, I took out a worship DVD and started worshipping God, immersing in His presence. This lifted some of the emotions (bad). I followed with communicating this load of emotions to God. I prayed that He will help me share this burden, to ease my load. I have to say that it was good. When I woke up this morning, I was renewed and recharged. I no longer feel so negative about loving. It just feels good to be out of the trenches. Definitely, we will go through emotional highs and lows and this is what makes it all SO INTERESTING! Haha... It really colours my life. Though it may hurt and I was definitely shocked with what happend to me yesterday. But I am glad that it did too! I mean, to see it in a the cup is half full perspective, at least I got the chance to experience love. Love is giving and sometimes it does really hurt! God loves us and sent His only Son to die for us on the cross! It hurts Him to see His Son crucified! Thank God for walking with me and for carrying me!
I am amused by all that has happened. Sure, we may think that we can handle a certain situation when it comes but then again, when it hits you, we may not be able to handle it in the way we wanted to! Expected events, as in I know that she will get attached one day, but unexpected reactions. I did not know that it can really affect me so much! To love is definitely good. I could have posted an entry yesterday and ranted on how sucky love is. But in reality, love is definitely the sweetest things on earth!
Love brings you to places in your emotions you have never been to and love brings out the real you, you never thought you are, both the good and the bad. I will definitely cherish love and learn how to love, to give and to cherish. Praise God for love. Let me end with this poem (not by me). It talks about how unexpected things can happen during the day but it is how we get ourselves prepared before going into the day. Love it very much!
THE DIFFERENCE
I got up early one morning
and rushed right into the day.
I had so much to accomplish
that I didn't have time to pray.
Problems just tumbled about me
and heavier came each task.
'Why doesn't God help me?' I wondered,
He anwsered, 'You didn't ask.'
I wanted to see joy and beauty,
but the day toiled on gray and bleak,
I wondered why God didn't show me,
He said, 'You didn't seek.'
I tried to come into God's presence,
I used all my keys at the lock,
God gently and lovingly chided,
'My child, you didn't knock.'
I woke up early this morning,
and paused before entering the day.
I had so much to accomplish,
thatI had to take time to pray.
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